Reason to Breathe

24. Fallen





“Emily!” Carol hollered from the kitchen. My hand hovered above my duffle bag, grasping the sweater I was about to pack. Panic set in as I tried to think of what I could’ve done. My chest felt tight when I entered the kitchen.


“Yeah?” I responded cautiously, my voice getting caught in my throat.

“Do you know who I just got off the phone with?” she yelled, revealing the strained vein along her temple. I glanced around, recognizing George and the kids were gone. Fear gripped my heart, and my head felt tight. I shook my head.

“Of course you don’t, right? Because you never do anything wrong, do you?” I was past trying to understand her illogical questions, and braced myself for her wrath. “That was someone from Stanford –“

Oh no! My eyes shot up at the sound of the school’s name.

“Oh, you do know what this is about?” she accused, still boiling. “Do you know how stupid I felt when this man was going on about your visit in the spring, and I have no idea what he was talking about?! Why did he have our phone number?!” I remained quiet. “You didn’t really think we were going to let you fly to California, did you? How the hell did you convince him to invite you – did you blow him?”

Shock splayed across my face.

“You think you are so much better than me, don’t you? That you can do whatever you f*cking want?!”

“No,” I whispered.

“That’s right - not in my house! You drove your mother to drink, and now she’s a useless whore. I’m not going to let you destroy my family too. You’re f*cking worthless. What school would possibly want you?”

Carol’s face was scarlet while her voice grew louder. “How did you ever expect to pay for these schools? You’re not that special that they’re going to let you in for free.” She waited, as if expecting an answer. “Well…?”

“They have scholarships,” I said lowly. She scoffed. “And I was thinking I could use my dad’s social security money.”

“Huh. Did you think I was going to let you live here and not get anything out of it?” She let out a spiteful laugh. I glowered at her; the hate slowly crawled under my skin. That money was because my father died too soon, and she was going to strip me of the last connection I had to him?! I was so furious, I couldn’t see straight. I turned to walk away with my jaw clenched.

Then I heard the scraping of metal and her amplified rage, “Don’t you turn your f*cking back on me!”

A piercing flash of light screamed through my head as something hard hit the base of my skull. I stumbled forward and reached for the support of the wall, but I couldn’t find it in time. My legs gave out, and I collapsed on the floor.

“You are ruining my life,” she grunted through clenched teeth. “You will wish you never set foot in this house.” I pressed my shaking hands against the floor to push up while attempting to focus through the blur. I let out a breathless grunt as my chest was forced back down against the hard wood, and my arms collapsed beneath me when she swung again. The repeated impact left me fighting for my breath, as the sharpness settled between my shoulder blades. The room teetered and blurred around me as I searched for the direction of my room, knowing I needed to get there to escape her. Still gasping, I groped at the floor, urging my body forward while sliding on my elbows and pushing onto my knees.

Her vulgar grunts and grumblings were incoherent. Then I heard her growl, “You will learn to respect me. You owe me your life for everything I’ve given you. For everything you’ve destroyed.”

The force of her swing ripped through my lower back – I screamed out in agony. The searing bolt of pain wrapped itself around my spine and spiked through my head. I released a broken moan before sprawling on the floor. The room dimmed in a blur of light as I fought for consciousness.





I didn’t know how long I’d been on the floor. I became aware of the loud stomping above me as she muttered to herself. I blinked my eyes open. The floor rippled in front of my eyes. I closed them to fight against the dizziness so that I could push myself up on my hands and knees. The tender muscles between my shoulder blades twisted into a burning knot as I strained to get up. I peered through my lashes and reached for the wall to steady myself on my knees. I tried to focus through the haze, my head bobbing heavily and my body swaying. With a grunt of effort, I lifted myself up to stand, leaning against the wall. I remained pressed against the wall breathing heavily as I waited for the room to settle and listened for her movement. A severe sharpness shot up my spine, leaving me breathless.

I took a deep breath to settle the nausea, determined to get out of the house before she came downstairs. I stood still for a moment with my eyes closed, steadying the spin of the earth. Convinced I had control of my equilibrium - I crept into my room and gingerly closed the door. The flight instinct kicked in and the blood raced through my body, overriding the pain. My heart pounded in my chest as I threw a few more items in my duffle bag. I opened my door to listen. She was quiet; the only sound I heard was my rapid pulse. I decided to take a chance and left my room. I cautiously took each step that brought me closer to the door. My ears hummed, anticipating the slightest sound.

I held my breath as I turned the handle of the door and didn’t release it until the door was closed behind me. I hugged the side of the house, so she couldn’t see me from her window. Once I reached the end of the driveway, adrenaline shot through me, and I ran. The pain in my back and head didn’t exist while the road passed under my feet. I kept running until I was in the coffee shop a few blocks from the house.

I could only imagine what I must have looked like to the patrons and staff of the intimate café when I entered with the duffle bag over my arm, covered with sweat, and gasping for breath. I slid onto a chair at a small table in the corner and pulled out my phone. I pressed Sara’s number and listened to it ring, hoping she’d pick up.

“Emma? What’s wrong?”

“Come get me,” my voice cracked.

“Omigod, are you hurt?”

“Sara, please come get me as soon as you can.” My voice quivered as I fought to hold back the tears.

“Where are you?” she inquired urgently.

“At the coffee place near my house.” I took a calming breath to keep from losing the little composure I had left.

“I’ll be there as fast as I can.”

I hung up the phone.

I spent the time it took Sara to arrive, staring at my hands, willing them to stop trembling. My breath shook with each pass through my quivering lips. I didn’t dare look around the shop; instead I stared out the window, searching for Sara’s car. When I saw her pull in, I rushed to meet her before she had a chance to get out.

I winced as I settled onto the passenger seat, the pain streaking up my entire back. I closed my eyes and let out a shaky breath. The tears found their way down my cheeks as I swallowed against the lump in my throat.

“Where are you hurt?” Sara asked, her voice unsteady.

“My back,” I quivered, with my eyes still closed.

“Do you need to go to the hospital?”

“No,” I shot back quickly. I attempted to release the tension in my shoulders and opened my eyes. I wiped away the tears and searched for my voice. “No hospital, okay? Just… do you have anything to help, aspirin or something?”

Sara rummaged around in the compartments of the center console, then handed me a white bottle of Advil. I spilled some pills onto my hand and swallowed them dry. Her forehead creased, mirroring the pain that was evident on my face. “Do you want to go back to my house?”

“Can we just stop there so you can get me a bag of ice? Then let’s go somewhere where I can walk around.”

“You want to walk?”

“If I stay still, I’ll get stiff. I need to keep the blood flowing through my muscles so that I can play tonight.”

“You think you’re going to play basketball?! Em, I’m still trying to decide if I should take you to the hospital. You’re pale, and you can’t hide how much pain you’re in. And if you can’t hide it, then it must be pretty bad.”

“It’s because it just happened and my body’s still in shock. I’ll be fine, I promise.” But I knew I was lying. I was far from fine.

Sara drove to her house and I waited in the car until she came out with a small cooler filled with ice, some storage bags and a couple of waters. She handed me a water when she entered the car.

“Let’s go to the high school, and we’ll walk the track,” I suggested before taking several long gulps from the bottle. “I only have to waste a couple of hours before the JV game.”

“Are you sure?” Sara asked, still uncertain with my decision.

“Sara, I swear, I’m okay.”

I eased my body into a controlled place where the quivering hid beneath my skin. There was a deep ache in my head that trailed all the way down my back, but the piercing pain was gone - as long as I kept still.

We drove to the high school and parked near the football field. The parking lot only contained a handful of cars since it was still too early for anyone to be here for the game.

I took the cooler with me as I delicately lifted my body out of the car, gritting my teeth through the searing pain that made my stomach flip with nausea. Sara followed me to the field. I filled the bags with ice and lay on my stomach. Sara placed the bags along my back and sat next to me on the grass. We were silent for a few minutes as I lay with my eyes closed and my head resting on my folded arms, while Sara plucked the grass from the frozen field. I barely registered the cold December air with the ice on my back.

“You’re shivering,” Sara noted.

“I have ice covering my back, and it’s thirty degrees out here.”

“How long do you want to keep the ice on?”

“Fifteen to twenty minutes, then we’ll walk around for a while before we do it again.”

After another few minutes of silence, Sara asked, “Are you going to tell me what happened this time? Em, I promise not to say anything.”

“I’m not sure if I should. I don’t want you to feel guilty if you need to lie to your mom or anyone else for me.”

“I’ll find a way around answering,” she promised.

“Stanford called,” I started.

“Oh no,” she gasped. “You didn’t tell her.”

“Yeah, I didn’t tell her,” I breathed. “Then she told me I didn’t have access to the social security money from my dad for college; that it was her compensation for letting me live there. I got so pissed that I had to leave the room. That’s when she hit me.”

“What did she hit you with?”

“I’m not sure. Probably whatever she could get her hands on.” I recalled the hard object crashing into my back and shivered.

“You can’t go back there,” Sara insisted.

“I really don’t want to think about that right now. I just want to focus on being able to play in the game tonight.”

“Em, I’m not sure that you should.”

“Sara, I have to. She’s taken everything else from me, including what I had left of my dad. I’m playing in this game tonight,” I stated definitively. Sara didn’t argue.





We walked briskly, until I couldn’t handle it anymore. Of course, I didn’t tell Sara this. Then I’d lie back down to be iced. I was desperate to defeat this pain. I was going to play in this game – nothing was going to stop me.

When cars started showing up for the JV game, Sara followed me into the building. We stood by the bleachers and watched until halftime when I had to change. I blared my music so loudly in my ears, I couldn’t concentrate on anything else. Every so often, I’d pace in the hall to keep the blood flowing through my muscles, mostly because it hurt too much to stand still, and I needed to escape it any way I could. I swung my arms over my head and turned my neck side to side to keep my muscles from stiffening.

None of the girls questioned Sara when she followed me into the locker room to change. She snuck into a curtained shower stall with me to help me change. She carefully pulled my shirt over my head, and I clenched my teeth. My entire back screamed when I raised my arms. Sara questioned my well being again, but I ignored her. I was counting on adrenaline to make me oblivious to the pain once the game started.

The adrenaline did tunnel my focus when I was finally on the floor, helping me disconnect from the pain. I refused to concede to my burning muscles and the lightning storm in my head as I dribbled down the court, calling out the next play. Passing to the open teammate, squaring up to take a shot, following through with a rebound, and charging back to switch to defense, where the bodies bumped to gain position: that was all I concentrated on as the time ticked away.

I was surviving on adrenaline, and that would only carry me so far. As the second half progressed, it became harder to concentrate. I wasn’t reacting as quickly to passes or charging for the steals as I usually did. I passed off the ball more, instead of taking the shot. During a timeout, Coach Stanley asked if I was okay. I explained that I fell on some ice earlier, and it was bothering me a little. He suggested taking me out of the game. I adamantly assured him that I was fine and could keep playing.

It was a close game. Probably closer than it should have been, and I blamed myself for that, knowing I had no right to be on the court. But I was afraid to find out what would happen if I stopped.

There was under a minute left in the game, and the lead kept changing by one with each possession. After a timeout and about thirty seconds on the clock, we had possession of the ball and were down by one point. I dribbled down the court, sending the offense in motion. I passed to Jill at the top of the key, who dribbled to the center of the paint and bounced it to Maggie along the baseline. Maggie noticed my clear shot from behind the three point line and popped it back out to me where I squared up to the basket, jumped, and let the ball roll off of my fingers. The defender jumped alongside me, swiping at the ball, which barely sailed over her fingertips. Her arm landed on my shoulder hard, knocking me back so my heels were no longer beneath me when I came down to land.

My breath rushed from my lungs when the floor made contact with my back. My head bounced back, colliding with the waxed surface. The cheers faded, and the images on the court blurred. I blinked my eyes as the colors ran together until there was only black.





I was moving quickly, but my legs were still. There was something around my neck, and I couldn’t move. I heard the murmuring of voices but no words. My eyes wouldn’t open. The cold air hit me, sending a shiver through my body. I was enveloped with the piercing bolt that ran along my back and into my head. Then I fell into the darkness again.





“Emily, can you hear me?” the soothing male voice asked.

I pulled back from the blinding light as I felt a cool touch on my lid.

“Emily, can you open your eyes for me?” the voice requested.

I blinked my eyes open, squinting to keep them protected from the bright light above me. I glanced around at the faces above me. There was something beeping over my head, and a hum of voices surrounded my space.

“Emily, I’m Dr. Chan,” the soothing voice said. I focused on the gentle, round face of the man leaning over me. “You’re in the hospital. You took a fall during your basketball game and hit your head.”

I groaned in admission to the pain.

“My back,” I whimpered.

“You’re back hurts?” he confirmed

“My back,” I whimpered again, the tears rolled across my temples. I couldn’t turn my head with the brace holding it in place.

“We’re going to take some x-rays to see what’s going on,” he informed me.

“Sara?” I searched for her amongst the faces.

“Who’s Sara, honey,” a rosy faced nurse leaned over to ask.

“My friend, Sara McKinley,” I whispered between moans. “I need Sara.”

“Your aunt and uncle are on their way,” she assured me.

I groaned louder.

“Sara, please,” I begged.

“I’ll see if I can find her,” she comforted me.





There were more voices, and then I was moving. The fluorescent lights blurred above me as I was wheeled through the maze of corridors. There was a figure at the end of my bed, but I couldn’t see a face. The tears continued rolling down the crevices of my eyes and into my ears. I made an effort to contain the moans, but they escaped every so often on their own.

A team of bodies wearing blue and white lifted me onto a hard platform. As I was rolled onto my back, I screamed out in agony. There was nothing that could hold it back. A nurse gently turned me onto my side to examine the source of my torturous cries and let out a breath.

“Her back is badly bruised,” she reported.

“Prop her on her side,” Dr. Chan directed from my feet.

I slid into a tube and closed my eyes, concentrating on breathing evenly to cope with the suffering. The corners of my eyes were raw from the never ending seeping of tears. I remained in that area of the hospital for a time I could not judge, with the rolling, and the clicking, and the doors opening and closing.

Eventually, the hands of the team eased me back onto the forgiving cushion of the bed, supported on my side to provide some reprieve from the torment that had overtaken my body. Exhausted, I closed my eyes.

“We’re waiting on the results of her x-rays before we know if there’s any damage,” Dr. Chan explained to someone. “You’re welcome to stay with her, and I’ll be back when I have the results.”

“Sara?” I whispered through the grogginess. I opened my eyes when we rolled to a stop. A curtain was pulled around me, concealing the people on the other side.

“Hey honey,” the soothing voice of the nurse greeted me. “Your aunt and uncle are here.” I averted my eyes, not finding the comfort she hoped that news would provide me.

“Sara? Did you find her?” My tone was anxious, and her concerned expression recognized it.

“She’s right outside,” she promised. “I’ll go get her.”

“You can’t keep me from seeing her,” an irate voice yelled. “She’s my daughter.”

My heartbeat accelerated, picked up by the quick beeps on the machine above my head.

“Relax, Rachel,” George instructed firmly.

“What’s wrong with her?” she demanded heavily. I recognized her slur. My jaw tightened. What was she doing here? How did she even know?

“I don’t think this is the right time to be talking to you,” George responded.

“You can’t keep me from her. She’s my daughter,” my mother declared. Then she went on to berate George and Carol about how they didn’t love me, with expletives only my drunken mother could come up with.

“M’am, I need to ask you to come with us,” a deep masculine voice demanded.

“Get your hands off me. You can’t touch me. I need to stay here with my daughter. Get off me.” The angered voice trailed away, until it was cut off completely when a pair of doors closed further down the hall.

“Emma?” Sara whispered, peering in through the curtains. My flittering eyes found Sara’s pale face and her red rimmed eyes.

“Sara!” I wept, lifting my head. The movement forced me to moan in pain, causing Sara to wince.

“Ow. Try not to move,” she whispered, pulling up a chair to sit beside me. She pressed her lips together and the line between her eyes deepened as she searched my agonized face. “I’m so sorry.”

Her eyes filled and she quickly swiped away the tears with the hand that wasn’t holding mine.

“I’m glad they finally let me see you. It felt like I was waiting forever.” Her voice quivered. “You scared me.” The tears welled in her eyes again, and she looked away to conceal them.

“I’ll be okay,” I assured her, but I knew seeing me on a hospital bed wasn’t very convincing.

“You didn’t look okay when you were lying lifeless on the floor of the basketball court. I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared in my entire life.”

“I slipped on ice and fell down the stairs at my house,” I told her quietly.

“What?” Her forehead crumpled, not understanding.

“How I hurt myself,” I explained. “I fell down the stairs on some ice.”

“But Em, everyone saw you fall during the basketball game - I mean everyone,” she explained, still confused.

“Look at my back,” I encouraged.

Sara walked around to the other side of my bed and gently lifted my basketball jersey.

“Oh!” Sara exhaled upon seeing the bruising. “I knew you shouldn’t have played. Have they given you anything for the pain?” She returned to the chair to hold my hand, her face paler than when she entered.

“Mm mm,” I indicated in a negative through my pressed lips, trying to hold back the groan that would give away just how miserable I was.

“Okay, Emily,” Dr. Chan declared, pulling back a section of the curtain.

“Hi, I’m Dr. Chan,” he introduced himself to Sara.

“I’m Sara McKinley,” she offered in return.

“Is it okay if she stays in the room while I go over this with you?” he asked me.

“Yes.”

“Well, it looks like you’ve had a couple of injuries today, huh?”

“Yes,” I whispered.

“The good news is that there’s nothing too serious. You do have a concussion on the back of your head, but there isn’t any bleeding. The x-rays of your spine came out clear, but you’ve bruised your tailbone. Unfortunately, there isn’t anything we can do for that, and the best thing to do is to let it heal on its own. We’re going to take the neck brace off, and give you something for the pain. You’ll need to stay inactive for the next two weeks at least.”

My eyes widened, not prepared for his prognosis.

“Sorry, but that means no basketball during that time. You won’t be up for it anyway. We’ll give you something to manage the pain, but you should schedule an appointment with your doctor in two weeks to follow up.

“Do you have any questions?” he asked.

“No,” I whispered.

“Now, can you tell me about the bruises on your back?”

I hoped the machine wouldn’t start beeping profusely when I lied, “I slipped on some ice outside my back door and fell down the stairs.”

“Did you fall onto your back?”

“Yes.”

“How many stairs did you fall on?”

“Four or Five.”

“Okay,” he sighed. “Sara, could I please have a moment alone with Emily?” I panicked when Sara left the room.

Dr. Chan sat down in the chair so that he was eye level.

“I’m concerned with your bruising,” he said solemnly. “The images showed that you have a recovered contusion on the front of your head as well.

“Emily, I want you to please tell me the truth, and know that I will hold this information in the utmost confidence. How did you get the bruises on your back?”

“I fell down the stairs.” I tried to sound as convincing as I could. I didn’t know if it worked, but he nodded and stood up.

“You could have received those injuries in a fall, and I can’t dispute that. But if you didn’t, I hope that you would be able to tell someone.

“You’re going to stay here for the night so that we can keep an eye on you and give you something for the pain to help you rest. If you need anything, or feel like talking, have the nurses page me.”

“Can you please send Sara back in?”

“Sure. I’ll have the nurse get her.”





Sara came back into the room not long after the nurse removed my neck brace and cut off my clothes so she could slide on a hospital gown. I tried to get her to slip my game shirt over my head, but the movement caused me to holler, so she opted for scissors.

“Someone will be down shortly to transport you upstairs for the night,” the nurse explained. “I’ll be right back with something to help the pain.”

“Thank you,” I whispered, finding some relief already with the brace removed.

After she left, I noticed Sara appeared nervous, like she wanted to tell me something, but she kept stopping every time she opened her mouth to speak.

I watched her struggle through her silent debate until I finally demanded, “What aren’t you telling me?”

She pressed her lips together and looked around for the words. “Um, Evan’s outside. I didn’t know if I should tell you while you were still coherent or wait until you were drugged.”

I remained quiet.

“He wants to see you.”

“No, Sara,” I shot back urgently. “He can’t see me.”

“I knew you’d say that, but I promised I’d ask. Just so I can say I did, no Drew either, right?”

“He’s here too?”

“There are a lot of people here, actually. Well, except for your aunt and uncle, who left after the doctor told them you were staying the night.”

“No visitors,” I pleaded. “No one, okay?”

“Got it,” she affirmed.

“Sara, what happened when I fell?” I asked, not sure if I wanted to hear this but also surprised by the multiple visitors in the waiting room.

Sara looked at the ceiling, trying to force back the tears.

“Um, after you took the three pointer and it went in –“

“It went in?” I tried to remember the moment, but I couldn’t get past the pounding in my head.

“Yeah, it did. The crowd was so loud, it was crazy – but in an instant it went dead silent. You were lying on the floor, and you weren’t moving. Coach went out with the trainer to wake you, but they couldn’t.” Sara paused to take a calming breath, trying to control her trembling voice. “They called for the ambulance. The gym was so quiet while we waited for you to wake up. I tried to get down to the floor, but the coaches and some other adults were keeping people back.

“You still didn’t move when they put you on the stretcher. Em, I was so scared. I got to the hospital as soon as I could, but they wouldn’t tell me anything, no matter who I asked. Between Evan and me, I think we asked every person in a white jacket or blue scrubs who walked through the waiting area. Then everyone else started arriving to wait with us - first Drew with some of his friends, then your coach and other girls from the soccer and the basketball teams – I’m not sure who else.

“You’re aunt and uncle finally arrived, and they were let in to see you. I was going crazy because they got in, and I couldn’t, until the nurse finally came out and said you were asking for me.”

I listened to her words, unable to account for a single second of that time, until I was in the hospital. It was surreal thinking of my unconscious body on the floor of the gym, with everyone staring at me. The fear and concern that came through in Sara’s voice tore at me. I glanced at Sara’s hand shaking on her lap. I hadn’t realized that the hand holding mine was trembling since mine was as well.

“I’m sorry I scared you,” I whispered.

“I’m just relieved to see that you’re awake and moving,” she said with a small smile, but the sadness lingered in her eyes. “I should go let everyone know how you are, and that you’re staying the night, so they can leave. I’ll be back before they move you.”

The nurse entered with a syringe. Soon after she administered the clear liquid into my IV, the pain subsided, and the room swum around me as I drifted to sleep.