Reason to Breathe

22. Revealed





“Get down,” Sara instructed fervently, pulling me onto the seat.


“What’s wrong?” Evan inspected our sunken silhouettes with concern.

“Evan, turn around,” Sara demanded. He recognized the terror on my face and did.

Still facing forward, he asked, “What is going on?”

Before she could redirect him, Jared pulled into her driveway. Sara unfastened our seatbelts so we could slide to the floor behind the front seats.

“Shit,” she whispered and pulled out her phone. “Jared, shut off the car. Hi mom. Listen, Jared – please listen to this Jared – is going to come to the front door and you’re going to answer. He’s going to look like he’s asking if we’re home, and you’re going to shake your head and look like you’re telling him we’ve already gone to bed.

“Jared, please go.”

Jared, definitely perplexed by the situation, obeyed as directed.

Anna said something to Sara. I clutched my knees, staring at her as my body shook and my stomach turned.

“Mom, I promise I’ll explain when I get home. Keep the back door unlocked. Bye.”

She hung up the phone and watched the exchange at the door from between the seats. From my position on the floor behind the passenger seat, I was unable to see what happened, but it was brief. Jared was back in the car within a minute, awaiting further instructions.

“Pull out of the driveway and drive back to the main road at the end of my street,” Sara guided him. “Take a right on the road, and then the first road on the right. Jared, let me know if that Jeep follows you.”

After a stomach wrenching eternity, he said, “No, it’s still parked across from your house.”

Sara let out a sigh for the both of us. I couldn’t tell if I was actually breathing.

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” Evan demanded, growing more frustrated.

I couldn’t bring myself to talk. I could only stare at Sara and shake my head.

“Who’s in the Jeep?” Evan inquired.

“My aunt,” I whispered, finding my voice. The admission of her presence made me feel faint. What was she doing here?

“Are we on the other street yet?” Sara asked.

“Yeah,” Jared answered.

Sara sat back up on the seat, but I couldn’t bring myself to move.

“It’ll be okay,” Sara consoled, pulling me up by my hands and urging me to sit on the seat. I slid onto the leather and sat with my head in my shaking hands. “There’s no way she saw us. We noticed her from the top of the hill, before she could see in the car.”

Evan turned around. “Are you not supposed to be out?”

“I’m never supposed to be out,” I quivered. I couldn’t look at him. I leaned against the window and nervously pulled at my lower lip with my fingers.

“Stop at the blue house that’s still under construction.” Sara leaned over the seat to point it out to Jared. “Do you have a flashlight that I can borrow?”

“Sure, it’s in the trunk.”

They got out of the car, leaving Evan and I alone.

“What’s going to happen?”

“I don’t know,” I whispered, shaking my head.

“You’re going to be okay, right?” he asked, the concern resounding in his voice.

Before I could answer, Sara opened my door and pulled me out by my hand. Evan opened his door to follow. I fought to find my feet beneath me, and leaned into Sara for support.

“Sara, what’s going to happen?” Evan questioned.

“We have to go. I’ll talk to you later,” Sara blurted over her shoulder, escorting me along the dirt path that would eventually be a driveway, heading towards the construction site.

“Emma,” Evan yelled. But I didn’t turn around. I allowed Sara to hurry me along into the darkness.

I didn’t remember our trek through the woods from the back of the unfinished property, to Sara’s expansive backyard. Fear had a way of making time disappear, and the images came in flashes. I remembered walking through the downstairs door, the sight of Anna’s concerned face, and Sara laying me in the bed. I couldn’t close my eyes, and stared blankly at the dark sky through her skylights.

My head spun rapidly, trying to figure out how she knew. Had she followed us all night? Eventually, the fear subsided into a manageable place. I sensed Sara sitting next to me, watching me nervously.

“Did she leave?” I whispered.

“Right before we came into the house, my mom said.”

“Do you think she knows?”

“I can’t see how. My mom said that she called around seven and asked to speak with you. She told Carol we went to get something to eat and asked if you should call her when you got back. Carol said no. My mom doesn’t remember when the car showed up across the street, but noticed it about fifteen minutes before I called her.”

“What does your mom think?”

“She knows, Em. She doesn’t know everything, but she knows how impossible they are. She would never say anything, I swear.”

I believed her.

“Does he know?”

“He’s called a couple of times. All he knows is that you’re really freaked. I wouldn’t tell him why, and he got angry with me. He wanted to come back over, but I told him he couldn’t, so he asked to come by in the morning. I convinced him that there wasn’t enough time since I had to get you home by eight.

“She won’t do anything will she?” For the first time since we saw Carol’s car, Sara sounded scared.

“No, I’m sure she’ll just accuse me of whatever lie she decides on, insult me a lot, and send me to my room.” I looked up at Sara and realized I couldn’t let her know how truly terrified I was to go home. I pushed the fear away so I could put on a reassuring face for Sara’s sake.

I propped myself up to sit against the headboard.

“I really freaked out, huh?” I tried to let out a laugh, but it sounded wrong.

“Em, you were so pale, I was afraid you might pass out.”

“I thought for sure that she saw us, that’s all. I was expecting her to confront me and didn’t know if I could face her.” I was hoping to downplay my paralyzed reaction in the car.

“My mom offered to try talking to her,” Sara stated half-heartedly.

“You know that won’t work,” I replied, trying to control the panic in my voice.

“I know,” Sara agreed with a defeated breath.

“I can’t believe I reacted like that,” I blurted, replaying my horrified reaction in my head. “Evan’s probably wondering what the hell’s wrong with me.”

“He’s just worried,” Sara tried to soothe me. “He doesn’t think any less of you, honestly.”

I took a deep breath, trying to regain control over my quivering body before Sara noticed. What I couldn’t tell her was that if her mom called, it would be the worst thing that could happen. What I couldn’t show her was that I was petrified and didn’t know how I was going to walk into that house in the morning. I knew Carol didn’t need proof that I disobeyed her. She just had to believe I did.

~~~~~

I sat straight up, heaving and covered in sweat. I looked around the room, trying to place where I was. I recognized Sara and eased my fists from their white knuckled grip of the blanket.

“You sounded like you couldn’t breathe.”

“Just a nightmare,” I explained, trying to relax my erected posture. “What time is it?”

“Six-thirty,” she reported, still concerned by my appearance. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I really don’t remember it,” I lied. “You should get some more sleep. I’m going to take a shower, okay?”

The smell of the earth still lingered in my nose as did the burn in my lungs from the weight of the dirt on my body, pressing the air out of my chest. I shivered and pushed the nightmare away.

Sara didn’t go back to sleep. She was on her bed, waiting for me with a silver box in her lap.

“This was supposed to be a Christmas gift, but I can’t wait another month.” Her face was too serious to be presenting a gift.

“It’s not as big of a deal as you think, but I really need you to have it before you go home today.”

Her choice of words struck me. I glanced at the silver package with apprehension. Sara handed it to me with a stiff smile.

“Thanks.” I tried to smile back, but couldn’t get past her odd behavior.

I opened the box and unwrapped the tissue paper, and a silver cell phone fell onto my hand. Why was Sara so uncomfortable giving it to me?

“Thank you, Sara. This is so great. Is this a prepaid phone?” I asked, trying to sound as happy with the gift as I was.

“It’s actually on my family’s plan. Don’t worry; it didn’t cost anything to add you.”

“Wow, that’s perfect. I’m not sure how often I’ll be able to use it, but this is so great.” I was genuinely appreciative, but her cautious tone kept me from being able to express it. Then I found out why.

“You have to promise to call me when you get home and let me know that you’re okay,” she requested delicately. “If I don’t hear from you by the end of the day, I’m calling the police.”

“Sara,” I implored, “don’t do that. I promise you, I’ll be fine.”

“Then call me,” she pleaded. “I have phone numbers already programmed.” She showed me how to quick dial her cell and her home phone. There were two other numbers set in the memory as well.

“911, really Sara?” I questioned incredulously. “You don’t think I could manage that one on my own?”

“One button is faster than four,” she explained with a slight grin. I pulled up the fourth number and looked up at Sara in disbelief. She shrugged with a small smile.

“I set the ringer to vibrate so no one will hear it in your room. There’s a charger in the box too.”

“Sara, I’m not having it on in my house,” I stated emphatically.

“You have to. I swear I won’t call you, and no one else has the number. You have to promise me that you’ll have it on.” Her request sounded so desperate, I couldn’t argue.

“Okay, I promise.” I decided to keep it in the inner pocket of my jacket so it wouldn’t be accidentally discovered. “We should get going.”

I didn’t know how I convinced my body to cooperate and walk down the stairs with my bag in my hand. But my legs failed to move when I opened the front door and saw the Jeep parked on the side of the street.

“Oh, Emma,” Sara whispered in alarm behind me.

“Hi Sara,” Carol bellowed with sickening charm. “I was driving home from my mother’s and thought I’d pick up Emily on the way. Thank you for letting her stay with you.” I felt Sara squeeze my arm, her panic was obvious. I kept staring at the woman with the wide smile, unable to breathe.

“Come on, Emily, don’t just stand there.” I stumbled down the front stairs, afraid to look back at Sara, but feeling the weight of the cell phone in my jacket pocket. I let the car devour me as I shut the passenger door, staring straight ahead. My body tightened and shrunk away from her, trapped in the confined space.

Silence stung my ears, as I waited for her words, her accusations and insults. But there was nothing. Then again, she didn’t need words when my head collided against the side window with a sudden thrust of her hand. My head rung with an involuntary grunt of pain.

“You don’t breathe unless I tell you you can. You seem to have forgotten whose house you’re living in. You’ve pushed it too f*cking far, and it’s over. Don’t go behind my back again.”

We were pulling into the driveway before I could let her words sink in.

When we entered the kitchen, Amanda, our thirteen year old neighbor, said left the kids playing upstairs and went home.

I continued down the hall and stopped, staring at the door leading to my room. The door was closed, and it was never closed when I wasn’t home – one of Carol’s irrational rules. I approached slowly and cautiously pushed the door open, letting out a defeated breath. I faltered through the doorway, looking around in horrified dismay.

The closet door stood ajar, and the crawl space in the back was a vacant hole. Remnants of what it once protected were spewed at me feet.

“You think you’re so smart,” Carol accused. My back tensed as every nerve hummed beneath my skin. I turned to find her leaning against the door frame with her arms crossed, and I instinctively took a couple steps back, my bag sliding from my shoulder, dropping to the floor.

“I can see right through you, and you’re not going to divide us.” I was perplexed, unable to make sense of her accusations. “He will always choose me. I wanted to remind you of that.”

“Carol,” I heard George yell anxiously from the back door.

“I’m here,” Carol hollered back with a distraught voice. She backed away from my door and caught George in an embrace. I watched the drama unfold, unable to predict the ending.

“George, I don’t know what got into her,” Carol flailed, burying her head in his shoulder. George attempted to peer around Carol to see into my room. “She burst in yelling that she’s tired of being here, and how horrible we are to her. Then she locked herself in her room. That’s when I called you. She was scaring me and the kids.”

What?! What was she doing?

“I finally convinced her to open the door and … well, you can see for yourself.” Carol released him from her desperate grasp, allowing George to enter. His concern changed to anger as he viewed the repercussions of my rage.

He looked from the destruction of my things to my stunned face and back down again. I thought I caught him wince when he saw the shattered glass and torn picture of him and his brother crushed on the floor. I couldn’t move as I watched his anger grow.

“What did you do?” he bellowed. “How could you do this?” My mouth dropped, shocked by his reaction. How could he think I did this? His face turned red as he scanned my torn canvases, along with shreds of smiles and small chubby baby hands and feet strewn everywhere.

George moved to me before I could react. He grabbed my arms and started shaking me. He struggled with the words between his clenched teeth, gripping my arms tighter. The tears flowed down my cheeks as I tried to speak.

“I…,” I wept.

I was interrupted with a startling sting on my cheek. The force knocked me to the floor. I grabbed the spot where his hand had connected and looked down at the floor, stunned.

“If you weren’t my brother’s daughter, I’d…” he began. I tilted my head up toward him. His face was so red, it was almost purple as he shook with fury. Behind the rage, I thought I recognized sadness in his eyes. “You are not going anywhere for the next week. No sports, no newspaper, nothing. I cannot believe you did this!”

His sorrow broke through when he murmured, “He was my brother.” Carol watched him leave in confusion, or perhaps it was disappointment when his reaction wasn’t as severe as she’d intended. As soon as he disappeared, she peered down at me and grinned in contempt.

“This is not over,” she threatened. “Clean this up, and get your chores done before I get home.”

She shut the door, leaving me with the destruction of her hate. Everything I had that was mine - that was truly mine - was in pieces around me. I picked up the images of my parents and baby pictures of me and tried to find a way to fit them together. I let the broken pieces fall through my fingers and collapsed into a fit of tears. This pain was sharper than any slap or blow. She had taken the evidence that there was a time when I was happy and obliterated it, leaving only the memories.

I sat up when I heard a knock and looked to the door, but the sound wasn’t right – it was more of a tapping. I looked around and found that it was coming from the window. No, please don’t tell me. I closed my eyes as the tap hit the window again. I wiped my face and rushed to open the window before the tapping repeated, and they heard it.

“You can’t be here,” I whispered desperately.

“What happened? I wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

“Evan, leave.” My voice was urgent as I pleaded with him to go.

“Why is your face red? Did he hit you?”

“You can’t be here,” I stressed. “Please, please just go.” Tears rolled down my cheeks as I frantically looked from his face to the door, expecting it to open at any minute.

He gazed past me, extended onto his toes, to see into my room.

“What happened, Emma?” he gasped at the devastating scene.

“You’re only going to make it worse. Please leave.” I tried to position my body between his eyes and my room.

“I’m picking you up Monday so that you can tell me what this is all about,” he insisted.

“Fine, just leave,” I begged.

Evan finally acknowledged the pleading in my eyes and the urgency in my voice and backed away from the window. He hesitated, but I closed the window and pulled down my shade before he could say anything else.

I turned back to my broken world and knelt amongst its remains. I heard Carol say she’d be back soon and knew I didn’t have time to mourn. I found a backpack in which to place the fragments of my pictures and letters from my mother, refusing to throw them away. I tossed the broken frames and sliced canvasses in a trash bag.

I mindlessly performed my list of chores. I was secured in this desolate state when I retreated to my room. I slid onto the floor with my back against my bed and stared at the blank wall across from me. The ache in my chest was curtained behind the numbness.

If I hadn’t been able to admit it before now, I knew in this moment that I hated Carol. I clenched my jaw, pushing away the destructive screams that raged in my head. My nails dug into the palms of my hands, wanting so much to release the emotion. Instead I gasped and collapsed into chest-heaving sobs.

Her malevolence threatened to penetrate the only sanctity I had left, and I moaned in pain at how close she had come to crushing me. Was I really strong enough to not let her break me? Six hundred and nine days suddenly felt like a life sentence. Would I be able to recognize myself when I was finally released?

I sat in the closet and dialed Sara’s number.

“Em, are you okay?” Sara asked in a single breath.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I whispered.

“You sound so sad. What did she do?”

“I can’t talk about it right now. But I wanted you to hear from me like I promised.”

“Evan came over this morning.”

I didn’t say anything.

“He was really upset and wanted to know what was happening, and if you were being hurt. He was basically screaming at me to tell him. I didn’t, I swear, but he’s insisting on picking you up on Monday. I wanted to warn you. I can be there too, so you can go with me instead if you want.”

“No, it’s okay,” I mumbled. I knew I’d have to face him eventually.

“Emma, whatever happened there this morning, I am so sorry,” she said softly.

“I’ll see you Monday,” I whispered and hung up the phone.

I didn’t leave my room except to sneak out to use the bathroom. I heard the murmur of voices and the glee of the kids in the dining room. Not too long after, singing carried through the wall from the television followed by a quick rap on my door.

“Your uncle and I would like to speak with you.” I watched her leave as I sat at the desk, hovering over my Chemistry book. I pushed the chair back and allowed my legs to carry my shell to the kitchen.

George and Carol stood on one side of the island, waiting for me. The remnants of grief remained in George’s eyes while the smirk of victory reflected in Carol’s.

“Your uncle and I wanted you to know how heartbroken you made us when you chose to act out and destroy your things. We are sorry you don’t feel happy here since we’ve done everything to provide you with whatever it is you’ve asked. You play sports and are part of the school’s clubs. We think we’ve been very accommodating.

“I thought we should ban you from all of your privileges for the remainder of the year.” My eyes widened, and my throat closed.

“But your uncle has decided to be generous and allow you to be a part of the school activities, hoping it will make you a better person. But you will not be doing anything at all for the next week. You’ll have to find a way to explain this to your coach and other teachers, and we better not hear that you’ve blamed us in any way. This is your own doing, and you need to own up to that.

“Since we aren’t able to trust you to be home by yourself, you’ll go to the library after school. You can have whoever it is who’s chauffeuring you around these days drop you off at the house. You can ride your bike to and from the library. I arranged this with the head librarian, Marcia Pendle, this afternoon. She will sign you in and out every day. She has a desk for you to use, so you’re in her sight the entire time. Don’t even think about trying anything. If we hear that you weren’t there or didn’t cooperate, you will lose basketball for the season. Do you understand?”

“Yes,” I murmured.

“Your destruction has hurt your uncle a great deal, and we think it’s best that during the next couple of weeks, you allow him to find a way to forgive you. So you should stay out of sight while you’re in the house. I’ll let you know when we’re done with dinner, because you are not getting out of your obligations. We’ll have a plate set aside for you to eat before you do the dishes. But other than that, you will stay in your room. Understood?”

“Yes.”

“Now, what do you have to say to your uncle?” She pursed her lips to try to conceal her smirk. I tightened my eyes in disgust before I could mask my loathing. “Well?”

I whispered, “I’m sorry you were hurt.”

I wasn’t lying, but I wasn’t apologizing for something I didn’t do either. He only nodded in acceptance.

I was banned to my room for the remainder of the weekend. As uneventful as it was, it was better than being anywhere near Carol. It gave me time to think about what I was going to say to my basketball coach and the other teachers. I couldn’t come up with anything other than a vague explanation of obligations at home that I hoped they wouldn’t question too much.

I couldn’t think about Evan, and what I’d say to him on Monday. Every time I thought of him, and what he’d seen on Friday night, and then again on Saturday morning, I felt miserable. He saw a glimpse of my world, and I didn’t like how it reflected back in his eyes.