Reason to Breathe

19. Not Laughing





“Ready for Jake’s party?” Evan asked from the driver’s seat, easily releasing the formal disposition I’d witnessed most of the evening.


“After that, I’m ready for anything.”

“We’ll see,” he grinned. “Maybe I’ll be the one laughing at the end of the night.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, suddenly nervous.

“Nothing,” he replied, continuing to grin.

When we pulled into Jake’s driveway, there were already a dozen or so cars lining it, making us the last vehicle to fit before the street. Evan kept watch outside the car while I changed into a pair of jeans and more manageable shoes.

“So much better,” I breathed when I stepped out of the car.

“You still look good,” Evan remarked with a half smile. I ignored him.

I kept the same guard while he changed from his suit into a pair of jeans and a sweater.

“Whenever you want to leave, we leave,” Evan told me as we approached the front door. “Don’t feel bad either. He invited you, this isn’t for me. I’m just here because you are.”

“Okay,” I agreed, trying to read into his warning. He’d been acting strange about this party since I’d mentioned it. But I couldn’t figure out why.

I rang the doorbell since it seemed more appropriate than just walking in. It wasn’t the loud scene we encountered at Scott’s party. Jake answered the door with a huge smile.

“Emma! You’re here! Sara said you’d be here soon,” he said opening the door wider for us to enter. His welcoming smile faltered when he found Evan behind me. “Oh, you brought Evan.” Evan gave him a quick smirk.

“Nice to see you, Jake,” Evan said, patting his hand on Jake’s shoulder as we passed him to enter. Jake shut the door and turned to Evan.

“Sorry, man. You may be outnumbered tonight,” Jake informed him with a snide grin.

“I’m not worried.”

I had no idea what they were talking about, but could definitely sense a little tension. I studied Evan’s face for a sign, but he just smiled at me.

“You can hang your coats in the closet.” Jake pointed to the door next to the entrance.

The small foyer led down a hallway. As we followed Jake, I noticed an entrance on the left that opened into a living room with an overstuffed couch and a large flat-screened TV. To the right was another room with a long leather couch and a desk, presumably an office.

The rooms were dimly lit by flickering candlelight. There were only a few people in each room, quietly conversing. A soothing jazz tune with a soulful trumpet blaring carried throughout the house. The end of the hall revealed a set of carpeted stairs and then it opened up into a kitchen. The kitchen was bright with the overhead lights gleaming off the white surfaces.

Sara was leaning against the island laughing at something Jason said. She looked up when we entered the room.

“Drinks are downstairs,” Jake offered. “Relax and have a good time. I’ll be right back.” He disappeared down a set of stairs that connected with the stairs leading up.

“Emma, Evan!” Sara exclaimed. “How was dinner?”

“Filling,” I replied, with a quick laugh. Evan pressed his lips together and scowled at me.

Sara examined us with her brows pulled together, trying to decipher our exchange.

“I’ll tell you later,” I said quickly, still grinning. “When did you guys get here?”

“We haven’t been here that long,” Sara admitted. “I was going to give you a few more minutes before I called.”

“Where is everyone?” I asked, looking around then picking up on the small grin that Evan wasn’t doing a very good job of hiding.

“I honestly don’t know,” Sara confessed, looking around too. “We really did just get here. I think everyone must be downstairs, but I don’t think there’s a lot of people here.”

We were interrupted by the ringing of the door bell. Jake bounded up the steps and strode down the hall. Six more people I didn’t know entered the house – they looked like seniors.

“I think everyone’s here,” I overheard Jake tell one of the guys when they neared the kitchen.

“Emma Thomas?” the guy whispered, in shock. I tried to pretend I didn’t hear him.

“Don’t even think about it,” Jake whispered firmly, leading the group down the stairs.

Evan pressed his lips together to keep from laughing. I narrowed my eyes, knowing something was up. He raised his eyebrows and shrugged, looking away to avoid my glare.

“Do you want to go downstairs?” Sara asked, as it was obvious we were the only ones upstairs, except for the few people in the front rooms.

“Might as well,” I agreed.

Sara and I walked down together, while Jason and Evan followed behind us discussing a football game or something.

We entered the shadowy basement with its low ceilings. At the base of the stairs was a long dark bar, with tall black leather chairs pulled up to it. There were a few people sitting on the chairs, talking. When I scanned the wide “U” shaped space, I estimated about fifteen people dispersed throughout it.

Besides those at the bar, there were others sitting on a sectional couch in front of a suspended television. The rest were clustered around a pool table across from the stairs or sitting on the black leather sofa tucked in against the wall. I was surprised that no one was playing pool or watching TV. The same sultry soulful music piped through the speakers down here

“Want a drink?” Jake offered as we congregated at the end of the bar.

“Do you have soda?”

“Sure, it’s in the fridge on the other side of the basement. There’s a door over there - help yourself.”

I cut through the sectional area, through the door he indicated into the unfinished side of the basement. Against the wall was an old white refrigerator filled with bottles and cans of a variety of sodas. I grabbed a bottle and returned to Evan, Jason and Sara, who were still standing at the bar.

“What do you think?” I whispered to Sara, who was sipping something red from a glass. “Does this feel weird to you?”

“I have a feeling I know what’s going on,” she admitted. “I’ve always wondered what Jake’s parties were all about, but I had no idea. Guess he never wanted to invite the judge’s daughter for a reason.”

Before I could ask what she was talking about, Jake approached again.

“Evan,” Jake beckoned, “I want you to meet a couple of people I don’t think you know.”

Evan looked at Jake curiously. He hesitated to say, “I’ll be right back,” before walking away. I nodded, not really concerned. I had no idea why he was acting so weird, but this party wasn’t nearly as intimidating as the last. I wasn’t worried about being left alone. There really wasn’t much going on.

“I wish we could play pool or something,” I told Jason and Sara. “It feels strange just standing here.”

“It’s not that kind of party,” Sara whispered with a knowing grin.

“What do you mean?” I was so confused and kinda bored to be honest.

“Hey,” a small brunette exclaimed walking down the stairs. Sara turned toward her and smiled.

“Hey Bridgette!” Sara returned enthusiastically.

Bridgette was followed closely by one of the guys from the soccer team. She greeted Sara with a quick hug.

“I didn’t know you were going to be here,” the petite brunette said to Sara in surprise.

“We came with Emma,” Sara explained. “Emma this is Bridgette.”

“Hi,” I said softly. She smiled politely, casually eyeing me. The guy’s hand slid around the Bridgette’s waist, resting low so it was practically holding her ass. I looked up at her face, pretending not to have noticed.

Jason started talking to him, apparently they knew each other too. The entire time, the guy’s hand remained attached to Bridgette. It was almost as if he were claiming her or something.

“Did you just get here?” Bridgette asked.

“Not that long ago,” Sara replied.

“I didn’t realize you were interested in Rich,” Sara whispered, nodding to the guy with the branding hand.

“I figured, why not?” Bridgette declared with a shrug.

Sara tightened her eyes at the response but didn’t inquire further. Instead, she and Bridgette began talking about their mothers, who apparently knew each other, and other subjects they had in common that I knew nothing about. I pulled out one of the black leather bar chairs to sit and half listened as I fiddled with the soda bottle.

“We’re going upstairs,” Sara said after awhile. “Will you be okay? I promise I’ll be right back.”

“Sure.” I nodded with a reassuring smile.

“Don’t go anywhere,” she warned, leaving me even more confused.

I scanned the room but couldn’t locate which group Evan was in with the lights so low.

“Left alone?” a voice asked from behind me. I turned to find a dark haired guy with vibrant bluish-green eyes leaning against the chair next to me. I recognized him as one of the guys who arrived after we did.

“For now,” I said with a small shrug.

“That’s not good.”

“How do you know Jake?” I asked.

“We’re friends – we’re both seniors,” he explained. “You’re Emma Thomas, right?”

“Yeah,” I said slowly, trying to figure out if I should know who he was.

“I’m Drew Carson. I realize you probably don’t know me.” But something made me wonder why I did. His name sounded so familiar, but I couldn’t quite place it.

“But you know who I am?”

“Of course.” He laughed. “That was a great game last night. I heard you have scouts looking to pick you up.”

I blushed. “Yeah. So you were at the game?”

“Who wasn’t?” His sincerity made me smile.

“Why do I recognize you? I know I’ve seen you,” I struggled, “but I can’t place it.”

“Basketball probably,” he offered. That was it. Drew Carson, captain of the guys’ basketball team this season. That made sense with his lean built frame. How had I not noticed him in school? But then again, it seemed I didn’t notice anyone in school unless they threw themselves in front of me.

“That’s it. Sorry.”

“That’s all right. I should have tried to talk to you before tonight,” he admitted. “But I’m glad you’re here. I’m surprised you’re here, but whatever.” He revealed a sparkling smile as his cheeks creased with deep dimples. Honestly, how did I not notice him before - he was beautiful.

“I like your sweater,” he said, after a few seconds of silence.

“Thanks.” I blushed again. I was searching for anything to say that wouldn’t sound forced. “Do you ski?” I had no idea where the question came from, but it was the first thing that came out of my mouth. Could I be any more pathetic?

“Yeah, I’m going to Vermont next weekend with my family. Do you?”

“Actually, I don’t.” We both looked at each other and started laughing at the awkwardness. Our laughter was loud against the murmuring voices, invoking a few annoyed stares.

“Oops.” I smiled, covering my mouth. “I didn’t realize we were supposed to be quiet.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he said, smiling back. “They’re just taking this way too seriously.” I was confused by what he meant, but most of tonight seemed confusing. I’d figure it out eventually, hopefully.

“Do you do anything else besides play basketball and ski?” I asked, still trying to keep the conversation alive, but not as stressed after our outburst.

“I surf and try to go white water kayaking when I can.” Then he continued to talk about the best waves he’d ever surfed – in Australia. I listened and was soon engrossed in his story.

We continued back and forth until it occurred to me that it had been a long time since Evan, Sara and Jason disappeared. I glanced around casually while contributing to the conversation but was unable to make out any of their faces in the dark corners.

“I’ll be right back,” I announced. “I’m going to get another drink.”

“I need to run up to the bathroom,” Drew said, pointing up the stairs. “Meet you back here?” He actually wanted to keep talking to me?

“Sure,” I agreed.

I walked through the space with the sectionals again, discretely trying to look at the faces to find Evan or Sara. I was shocked to walk in on a few couples kissing - heavily. It didn’t seem to bother them that I was there or that there were other couples next to them doing the same thing. I kept my eyes to the ground until I heard the heavy breathing and walked faster.

When I was behind the closed door, I tried to figure out how I was going to get through there again. I inspected the other side of the basement, hoping there was a door that connected to the pool table side, but was disappointed. The only other door was a bulkhead that led to the backyard. Was I that desperate?

“There you are.” I spun around and found Jake closing the door behind him.

“Hi Jake,” I responded casually, trying to conceal my anxiety.

“I’ve wanted to talk to you all night,” he confessed while approaching me. “But I didn’t really want to do it here.” He presented the dingy surroundings, sounding overly cocky. “Let me show you around the house, and we can find somewhere private to…” he paused before adding, “talk.” He smirked like it was an inside joke. Everything suddenly made sense. I remained still, catching myself before dropping my mouth wide open in shock.

“Uh, well…” I stumbled, looking past him to the closed door. “Thanks, but I don’t need a tour. We can talk at the bar?”

“I was hoping for some place with less people.” He winked. No way, again?! I couldn’t help myself; the words were coming out of my mouth before I could stop them.

“Who are you?” I questioned, aghast at his boldness.

“What?” he questioned in shock.

“This is a hook up party, isn’t it?” It came out more as an accusation than a question. I couldn’t believe how long it had taken me to figure it out.

“Whatever happens, happens,” he said with a devious smirk. I remained dumbfounded by his arrogance.

“And so you decided to invite me?” I questioned, unable to imagine how that made sense.

“Why not?” he asked, not catching on, still overly confident.

“You obviously don’t know me,” I bit, unable to conceal my disgust. “Why would you think I’d want to hook up with you?”

“Ouch,” he replied, not looking pleased anymore.

Before I could say anything else that would make me not want to show my face in school again, I hurried past him to discover that the door was open. Evan stood in the frame, with his hand still on the handle. I didn’t know how long he’d been listening, but it must have been for most of it because he greeted me with his amused grin.

“You are so dead,” I threatened as I pushed past him. It only added to his amusement as he let out a small laugh.

“Hey, Emma,” Drew started when he saw me approaching. Then he looked at my face, which hid nothing, and asked, “What happened?”

“Were you in on this too?” I bit.

I didn’t wait for his answer as I rushed up the stairs and found Sara and Jason talking in the kitchen with their jackets on.

“Can we please go?” I pleaded. “This is too weird.”

“We were just coming to get you,” Sara admitted. “I was wondering how long it was going to take for you to want to leave. Let’s go back to my place.”

“Sure,” Evan agreed from behind me.

I turned sharply and snapped, “I don’t think she was inviting you.” Sara’s eyes widened at my attack. I continued down the hall to retrieve my jacket from the closet.

Sara and Jason headed to Sara’s car while I paced myself a step ahead of Evan to his.

After he shut his door, he said, “I should have warned you. I’m sorry.”

“Evan, you knew, and you still let me come here?” I yelled.

“I knew nothing was going to happen. I wasn’t afraid you were going to do anything, and I hoped that you’d let Jake see you’re not into him – which you definitely did. I’m so sick of hearing him talk about…” He stopped himself.

“I’m sorry, really.” His face was serious and his eyes soft, forcing my anger to dissipate.

“Fine, you can come over to Sara’s.” I still found it difficult to be upset with him for very long.

After we pulled out of the driveway, my stomach shot out a charge that caused my heart to stammer. “Evan, where were you? And you said you’ve been to one of his parties before. Are you serious? Did you… who… no way.” My voice grew louder with each unfinished question.

Evan laughed.

“Forget it, it’s none of my business,” I murmured quietly, looking out the window. I was tormented by the possibilities.

“Relax. Jake was trying to keep me distracted by introducing me to some girls, so he could talk to you. He was pissed that I was there. He knew you’d bring Sara, and she’d probably bring Jason, but he wasn’t expecting me. So I was just talking - like you were with Drew Carson, right?” My heart skipped a beat.

“I’ve only been to one other party of Jake’s, and I didn’t know what they were all about when accepted the invite. I didn’t…” He had a hard time finding the words. I turned to look at him, realizing he couldn’t tell me what he’d done.

“Really?” I accused in shock.

“It’s not what you think,” he defended. “I’d rather not get into details.” We were quiet for a moment. I stared out the window at the silhouetted trees and the occasional up-lit house.

“Does that really bother you?” he finally asked.

“What?”

“That I may have kissed a girl or whatever at one of Jake’s parties?”

I hesitated before answering. “I didn’t think you were like that,” I replied softly.

“I’m not,” he claimed emphatically. “That’s why I’ve only gone to the one party, and I didn’t do what you probably think I did. That’s not what interests me. It’s too important of a decision to pick someone at random, in someone else’s house.”

I let out an awkward laugh and tried to catch myself before I let out another.

“What’s so funny?”

“I can’t talk about this with you.” I let out another uneasy laugh. “It’s too weird. Sorry.”

“You think talking about sex is weird?”

“No. Talking about it with you is weird,” I emphasized. “Can we please change the subject?”

“So, you’ve never…” he started.

“Evan!” I yelled.

“Of course not,” he concluded quietly.

“And you have?” I asked before I could shut my mouth.

“I thought we weren’t talking about it.”

“We’re not,” I said, turning to look out the window again. We didn’t say another word until we pulled into Sara’s driveway.

“Do you still want me to come in?” he asked.

“Do you still want to?” I asked in return.

“Of course I do.”

“Then come in.”

We followed behind Sara and Jason into the house. Sara let her parents know we were home before we headed up the stairs.

“Would you mind if Jason and I watch a movie in my room?” Sara whispered as she and I followed a few steps behind the guys to the third floor.

“Are you serious?!” I asked. She begged with her widened eyes. “Fine.” I conceded. She smiled gratefully.

Sara bent over the couch as Jason sat down and whispered in his ear. He grinned and followed her into the bedroom. Evan looked to me, trying to interpret what just happened.

“They want alone time,” I shared. He nodded, suddenly understanding.

“What movie are we watching?” I inquired, sitting on the opposite end of the couch.

“Are you going to stay awake this time?”

“Yes,” I stressed, appearing offended.

Evan selected a movie about a small town, where people were inexplicably disappearing.

After a while, the exhaustion started pulling at me, so I grabbed a pillow and curled up in the empty space on the couch next to Evan to continue watching the movie – still committed to staying awake. I began fighting with my eyelids as they attempted to glue themselves shut every time I blinked. Finally, I gave in.





“Emma,” Sara whispered, gently shaking my shoulder. She sounded distant as I struggled against consciousness – I was too comfortable. “Em, you know it’s two o’clock in the morning, don’t you?”

Her whisper was louder, coming in more clearly. I groaned to acknowledge I heard her. Then I felt the weight around my waist and warmth against my back. I blinked my eyes open, attempting to focus. I heard the rhythmic breathing behind my ear and felt the warm breath upon my neck. My eyes grew wider.

“What are you doing?” Sara demanded. I glanced behind me in surprise.

“Sara,” I whispered emphatically, “how could you let this happen?” I carefully removed the arm from around my waist then slowly slid off the couch. I looked at Sara with huge eyes and my mouth open accusingly.

“Me? I didn’t do anything,” she whispered firmly. I crept over to the stairs; Sara followed.

“I fell asleep,” I whispered vehemently. “I had no idea he was still here; forget about that.” I pointed to his position on the couch.

Sara tried not to laugh. “Em, you two looked so cute.” I swatted at her arm.

“Knock it off Sara,” I demanded, still whispering. “What am I supposed to do now?”

“Wake him up and kick him out.”

“Why can’t you?”

“He’s all yours.” She laughed and went to her room.

“Sara,” I yelled in a whisper at the closed door.

I sighed, looking over at the couch. He did look so peaceful lying curled up on his side. I folded my knees into me as I scrunched at the end of the couch next to his feet. I watched him sleep for a minute, trying to build up the nerve to wake him.

I kicked the back of his thigh gently with my foot.

“Evan,” I called softly. He didn’t respond, so I pushed a little harder, rocking him. “Evan, you need to wake up.”

“Hmmm,” he groaned, peeking out from under his long dark lashes. He peered up at me and grinned. “Hi.” He stretched his arms above him and turned onto his back so that he could face me.

“Hi,” I whispered.

“What time is it?” he asked with a groggy voice.

“Two in the morning.”

“No way,” he replied in disbelief, pushing himself up to sit. “Why did you let me fall asleep?”

“Me? I think I fell asleep before you did.”

“Yeah,” he remembered, “that’s right. “

“Are you going to be okay to drive home?”

“Why? Would you let me sleep here?”

“No,” I admitted. “I was just trying to sound concerned.” He smiled - finally fully awake.

“Did I kick you off the couch?” he asked, trying to take in the scene.

“I slept just fine,” I admitted, avoiding his question.

Evan stood up and stretched again. He found his shoes and slipped them on his feet.

“Will I see you… today, actually?” he confirmed, grabbing his jacket from the back of the chair.

“I have to be home by four, so I need to be back here by three. Would you rather sleep?”

“No, it’s Sunday. It’s my day – so, I’ll pick you up at ten, okay?”

“Can we make it eleven?” I countered, thinking about how late Sara and I would sleep in, and that we still needed to compare stories.

“Really?” he pleaded. “Ten-thirty?”

“Sure.”

I stood from the couch to walk him down the stairs. We snuck to the first floor, careful not to wake Sara’s parents. I stopped on the bottom step as he went for the door. He turned to look at me without saying a word. I stood with my arms crossed, bracing myself against the cold air seeping in through the open door. His lingering made me nervous, igniting a tingling in my stomach.

“Good night,” I finally whispered, trying to urge him to leave.

“Good night,” he replied and walked out the door.

I locked it behind him, and quickly ascended the stairs to Sara’s room. She was waiting for me in her bed.

“Did he kiss you?” she inquired eagerly.

“No! Sara, you can’t ask me questions like that - like you’re hoping he has - and then try to tell me we can’t date.”

“You’re right,” she admitted with a sigh. “I promise to try to be more consistent. But I really want you to kiss him.”

“Then keep it to yourself. Good night, Sara.”

I slipped under the covers after preparing for bed, compelling sleep to find me again, so I wouldn’t think about if I wanted Evan to kiss me.