Reason to Breathe

16. The Plan





We walked to the cafeteria together. When we neared the entrance, Sara said, “We have to come up with a plan.”


“What kind of plan?”

“You deserve to be happy. I’ve noticed how much more relaxed you’ve been since Evan’s been a bad influence. So, let’s figure out a way for you to get into college, survive living with your aunt and uncle, and still have fun.”

“That sounds impossible,” I said, shaking my head.

“We’ll be smart about it,” she winked.

“You did not just wink at me.”

“Shut up,” she said, playfully shoving my arm. Thankfully not the arm with the fresh bruise.

When we were seated at the lunch table with our trays of food, Sara continued with her thoughts. It was obvious that she’d given this some attention before today.

“Okay, you and Evan have already started doing what I have in mind. You know, with pushing your “at school time”, and going to the library. I think we can try to expand it to a Friday or Saturday night so you can stay over my house. It will definitely work the nights you have basketball games, but the game will take up most of the night and not give us much time to do anything else. I have to figure out an excuse that they’ll buy to get you out of their house as much I can.”

She was right - I was already stretching the little freedom I had when I claimed to be at school or the library. What was another night? Then I remembered Carol’s suspicious interrogation, sending an icy chill down my spine as the doubt settled in. How was I going to get away with this?

“But Emma,” Sara stated seriously, “if you ever get caught, I will not let her hurt you. I will tell my parents, or call the police, before I allow you to get hurt for my plan. Okay?” From the stern look upon her face, I knew she meant it.

“Okay,” I whispered, knowing I’d never let it happen. “Sara, while we’re talking about that – you have to trust me.” I could tell she didn’t quite understand. “I know what I can handle. Even though it’s not right, it’s the way things are until I can get out of their house. So you have to trust me when I don’t tell you what happens sometimes, okay?”

Sara paused for a moment, absorbing my words. “Emma, always be honest with me.” I connected with her penetrating eyes and nodded slightly – again knowing I wouldn’t.

On our way back up to our lockers, Sara turned to me and asked eagerly, “Are you and Evan officially dating yet?”

I rolled my eyes. “That still will not happen.”

“I don’t understand why not,” she teased.

Sara’s smile got bigger when we found Evan waiting at my locker. He released a smile when he saw Sara walking with me.

“Hi Sara,” he said, still smiling.

“Hi Evan,” she greeted, smiling back.

“Ready for Journalism?” he asked. “Oh, Em, do you think you’ll be able to finish with the paper during class and study period so that maybe we can do something after practice?”

“That’s perfect,” Sara interjected, before I could answer. “Let’s go back to my house and get pizzas and hang out.” She was thrilled to have an accomplice in Operation: Free-Em. She was almost jumping up and down.

Evan took in her over joyous response with pause, having no idea what Sara and I had been discussing during lunch.

“Sara’s trying to come up with a plan to expose me to the world outside of school and my house, and you’re just feeding into it,” I explained.

“That’s always been my plan,” Evan admitted. Sara beamed.

“I hope I know what I’m getting myself into,” I said with a sigh and a roll of my eyes.

“The chance to live a little,” Sara offered, barely able to contain her enthusiasm.

“So you say,” I grumbled. She laughed. I loved having her back.

After practice, Evan and Jason followed us to Sara’s.

While we were in the car, I told Sara, “I’m so sorry you and Jason didn’t go to homecoming. I can only assume it was my fault.”

Sara scoffed, “Don’t even worry about it. I really didn’t want to go and Jason is so shy, he would’ve been mortified to have to wear the crown on stage.” I still felt bad for being the reason she missed out on such a huge moment.

“How was the ride home with Lauren yesterday?” she asked, changing the subject.

“Exhausting,” I sighed, which made Sara laugh. “I didn’t realize anyone could talk so much or so fast.”

“She’s so nice, but yeah, she likes to go on and on about anything and everything.”

Sara’s house was dark when we pulled up.

“My parents went out to dinner again,” she observed with a heavy breath.

The next few hours epitomized everything Sara wanted for me. We ate pizza, listened to music, played video games, and laughed. The laughter filled up the hollow hole, and my heart returned to its proper place in my chest, putting me back together again.

Not wanting to risk it, I decided it was best to leave around nine o’clock. Evan volunteered to drive me home. Sara hugged me good night and said she’d see me in the morning. Evan looked up from putting on his jacket when she said this.

“I liked picking you up,” Evan admitted when we stepped outside. “Although you were less talkative than usual, I actually looked forward to seeing you first thing in the morning.”

“Sorry. You’ll have to be satisfied with seeing me in just about every class instead.”

“It’s good that you and Sara are okay,” he said during the drive to my house. “How’d it happen?”

“I made her listen.” He smiled at my response.

~~~~~

The next week continued like the time without Sara was just a hiccup. Sara and I were inseparable again. Evan still walked me to class, but became absent during the second part of the day when I had lunch and study with Sara. I noticed the first couple of days and couldn’t figure out why I was bothered by it.

We did things together as the three of us, and occasionally four when Jason joined after school. Coach let us watch the second half of the guys’ quarter final game on Thursday, which they lost. Evan was crushed, but he recovered when I told him that I wasn’t expected home until nine o’clock.

Weslyn won the soccer game that Friday with a score of four to three. I contributed two of the scores, which was fortunate since three scouts were in attendance. I was assured by Coach Peña that I played well and that I’d be hearing from them. I could only hope.

Sara joined Evan and me that Sunday for our library day. I think she was trying to make up for lost time, which made me happy. But I noticed the surprise on Evan’s face when Sara pulled up behind his car. I don’t know what Evan had initially planned, but once he saw Sara was joining us, he suggested we go back to his place to play pool.

Sara and I were a team and played against Evan. Of course, he still beat us. Despite his initial reaction, Evan didn’t show any signs that he wasn’t happy to have Sara there. While we played, Sara instigated a plan for the following weekend. She figured I’d be able to sleep over at her house on Friday for the championship game, assuming we won the semi-finals on Tuesday. I wasn’t convinced since it was a five o’clock game and wouldn’t warrant me having to stay out past my curfew.

Sara wanted to think of a way for me to stay Saturday as well, so we’d have Saturday and then Sunday day together. Evan glanced at me when she mentioned Sunday, but he didn’t openly object. I let Sara go on with her pretend plans, because I knew it wasn’t going to happen. The only day that had a chance was my usual library visit on Sunday.

Everything changed that night when George told me, “We’re taking the kids skiing next weekend. Janet said you could stay with her.”

My stomach dropped. Janet lived two towns away, and there was no way I would be able to play in the game on Friday, forget about go to the library on Sunday.

“The championship game is Friday night,” I said urgently. Carol glared at me.

“Maybe you’ll have to miss it,” Carol snipped. “My mother is kind enough to let you stay with her; you should be more appreciative.”

My chest tightened as the fire of nerves twisted in my stomach. This could not be happening.

“Can I ask Sara if I can stay with her instead?” I pleaded, looking directly at George, ignoring Carol.

“That would be okay,” George agreed reluctantly. I could hear Carol take in a breath.

“I’ll ask her tomorrow,” I said, relieved.

“Why don’t you let me call her parents tonight,” Carol interjected. “I want to be sure this is really okay with them. I don’t want them to feel obligated to say yes if you ask.”

I still wasn’t concerned since I knew Anna and Carl wouldn’t care if I spent the weekend. They’ve made it more than clear every time I see them that I am welcome to stay whenever I’d like. I tried to look worried, and suppressed my smile – I had to appear miserable to stay under Carol’s radar.

After dinner, Carol called and spoke with Anna. Of course Carol made a case for what an inconvenience I’d be for two nights, but to her dismay, Anna was pleased to have me. I knew Sara was going to be beyond excited to hear that we didn’t have to come up with a lie for me to stay the weekend.

I wasn’t wrong. When Sara pulled up the next morning, she was a burst of energy. I smiled at her enthusiastic greeting. She was already trying to decide how we were going to spend the weekend. She mentioned a party on Saturday night and dismissed it as soon as she saw the blood rush from my face.

“I know,” Sara exclaimed while we walked down the hall. “Want to have a sleep over on Friday night with some of the girls from the team?”

“I don’t mind that idea,” I agreed, to her surprise.

Sara was satisfied with Friday night’s plan, even though the details still needed to be worked out. That included making it to the championship game and winning.

Sara was still going on about the weekend when Evan met me outside of homeroom.

“Emma’s staying over my house this weekend,” Sara gloated, before disappearing down the hall.

“Really?” Evan mused as we walked to English.

“My aunt and uncle are taking the kids skiing in Maine for the weekend,” I explained.

“Then what are we doing this weekend?”

“I think Friday night is going to be a girls’ night. But I’m not sure about the rest of the weekend. You’ll have to ask Sara. I think the planning’s out of my hands.”

I was so afraid the week was going to drag now that I had the weekend to look forward to, but thankfully, it sailed by.

Friday night’s plans were sealed after we won the semi-final game on Tuesday. It was a close game, and we only just won, scoring two points to their one. Lauren tipped in the winning goal with less than a minute to play, perfecting her senior year.

Lauren decided to have the team over after the game on Friday, regardless of the outcome. Sara discretely invited five of the girls to sleep over at her place after. I was truly looking forward to the estrogen overload. I knew the girls on the team and didn’t mind the idea of spending the night hanging out.

We still hadn’t figured out what we were doing on Saturday - that was until Wednesday afternoon, when the decision was made by… me. I was standing at my locker getting my books for Chemistry when I was approached by Jake Masters - the same Jake who was friends with Evan, captain of the soccer team, and who winked at me at Scott Kirkland’s party.

“Hey Emma,” he said casually, like we spoke every day. “How are you doing?” He leaned against the locker next to mine, giving me his full attention.

“Good, Jake,” I answered looking around, making sure he was really talking to me. “How are you?”

Ignoring my question, he continued.

“Listen, I’m having a party on Saturday night. It’s not going to be big, only about twenty or so people who I really want to be there. And I really want you to be there. What do you think?”

Before I could process what he was asking, he added, “Oh, you can bring Sara or whoever with you if you want.”

“Okay,” I said, without realizing I was answering him.

“Great! Then I’ll see you on Saturday,” he winked and walked away, leaving me stunned. I stood there for a moment, glancing around, waiting for someone to tell me it was a joke. And, what was up with the winking?! Seriously, it was weird!

As we walked to Trig, I told Evan, “I know what we’re doing Saturday night.”

Evan sighed and asked, “Great, what has Sara planned now?”

“Actually,” I corrected, “I told Jake Masters we’d go to his party.” I expected to hear him laugh at the irony of me deciding to go to a party, but he was silent. I examined his pensive expression.

“What?”

“Jake asked you to go to his party?”

“Yeah, I was completely surprised and still haven’t figured out why - but he did. So I kinda agreed.”

Evan let out a short laugh. “You don’t know why Jake asked you to the party? Does he know that you want to bring me with you?”

“He said I could bring whomever I wanted.” I wasn’t following along and didn’t understand why Evan found this so intriguing.

“Okay, we’re going to Jake Masters’ party,” he finally conceded. “Have you heard about his parties?”

“No. Why?” By the tone of his question, I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.

“They tend to be pretty… exclusive,” he explained. “I’ve been to one of them.”

“Was it horrible?” I asked, when he didn’t say more. I wanted to know what I was about to walk into.

“No,” he said dismissively. Then he must have realized he was freaking me out and added, “It’ll be fine. Don’t worry.”

Sara had a much more excited reaction than Evan when I told her. She had also heard about the handpicked guest list of Jake’s parties and was thrilled to finally get to see what they were all about. I was surprised to learn she’d never been to one before. I told her to bring Jason, which I think she had already planned to.

When Friday arrived, I was a bundle of nerves. All I could think about was the game that night. The Weslyn girls’ soccer team had always been pretty competitive in the division, but this was the first time in almost ten years that the team had made it to the finals.

My quiet anxiety was mirrored by Sara’s exuberant anticipation. She was unable to contain her energy and kept fidgeting during the car ride to school. Trying to keep our minds off the game, Sara started to run through our plans for the weekend. I let her talk the entire drive, unable to focus on what she said enough to contribute.

When we arrived at school, we were greeted with homemade banners and flyers displayed along the halls, wishing the girls’ soccer team luck in the championship game. Our lockers were decorated with streamers and glittery letters with a message of encouragement along with our jersey numbers. Instead of groaning as I had at the sight of the glittery mess, Sara shrieked with excitement.

“I don’t know how I’m going to get through the day,” Sara exclaimed. “I can’t wait for tonight!” I was trying to figure out how I was going to get through the day as well. It was hard to focus knowing the game was approaching, and the excited energy wasn’t helping - it felt overwhelming and disorienting. I wanted to slip into an empty room, with music blaring in my ears, to gather myself.

Then it only got worse. During morning announcements, we were informed we’d be getting out of our last class early to assemble for a pep rally in the gymnasium for the soccer team. My mouth dropped as I heard Sara holler with enthusiasm, joined by the rest of the room.

“Looking forward to the game?” Evan asked while Ms. Abbott handed back our latest writing assignment.

“I think I’m going to throw up,” I confessed and dropped my head onto my folded arms. Evan chuckled.

“Don’t worry, you’ll be great,” he assured me.

“I wish everyone would treat this like every other game and stop acting so insane,” I said, facing him with my head still resting on my arms.

“Not to add to your nausea, but I don’t know if I can go to Jake’s party tomorrow night.”

“What?!” My head shot up. The exclamation came out a little too loud, turning a few heads. Ms. Abbott continued handing back papers, unfazed by my disruption.

Evan looked around and waited until no one was looking before he continued.

“My parents are making me go to dinner with them,” he explained, annoyed. “It’s being hosted by one of the partners, and we have to put on appearances. I don’t have a choice, I’m sorry.”

The thought of going to a party with just Jason and Sara did not appeal to me. I didn’t want them to feel obligated to entertain me when I knew they’d want alone time. That would mean I’d have alone time, which terrified me.

That thought must have translated on my face because Evan said, “Don’t worry. I’ll see what I can do.”

“It’s okay,” I said, trying not to sound as disappointed as I was. “I understand.”

I had to survive History and Chemistry, not only with nausea from the approaching game, but also the building anxiety of going to Jake’s party without Evan. I decided I needed to shake off the distraction of Jake’s party and stay focused on the first hurdle – winning the game.

Evan met me outside of Chemistry with a mischievous grin on his face. I approached him cautiously.

“I’m afraid to know.”

“I think I’ve figured out a way to help us both get through tomorrow night.”

“How?” I asked, still afraid to hear his plan.

“You can come with me to the dinner – “

Before he could continue, I took in an audible gasp of air. He pressed his lips together at my reaction.

“It won’t be that bad,” he comforted. “It’ll get you warmed up for the party. You can be my excuse to get out of staying the whole time, and then we can go to the party together.” I wasn’t sure what was more terrifying, going to a party practically alone or meeting Evan’s parents and being surrounded by adults who’d expect intelligent, coherent conversation.

“Maybe I’ll beg Sara to stay home and watch movies instead,” I whispered, trying to breathe evenly.

“I knew it was a long shot,” Evan said quietly, looking away. “I hate these dinners - having to pretend to be the perfect son to the perfect parents, while talking to pretentious people gloating about their accomplishments. I thought it might not be so miserable if you were there too.”

I didn’t say anything as we found our seats for class. Evan sat quietly next to me. I kept glancing over at him throughout class. He looked… sad. I didn’t like seeing his drawn mouth and his slumped shoulders. It was obvious that this dinner was Scott’s party for Evan. I didn’t know how I would have gotten through that night if Evan hadn’t been there.

I took a deep breath and swallowed my stomach, digesting what I was agreeing to do. I felt nauseous at the thought of meeting his parents, but my chest warmed when I looked at Evan, knowing I was doing the right thing.

“I’ll do it,” I said when the bell rang at the end of class.

“What?”

“I think that it’s a good compromise.” I tried to sound confident. “I’ll go to dinner with you, and you go to the party with me.” He examined me cautiously, making sure I was serious before he let the smile release on his face.

“You know I’m making out in the deal, right?”

“Whatever,” I said dismissively. “I still owe you for Scott’s party. But I have to warn you, I’m not great with small talk, so I may end up embarrassing you.”

He laughed. “I don’t think that’s possible. Besides, you’ll find you won’t have to do too much talking. This crowd loves to talk about themselves, so all you have to do is stand there and nod politely. Don’t worry; I won’t leave you alone with any of them.”

Just before we entered the Art room, Evan stopped to face me.

“Are you sure you want to do this?”

I pressed my mouth into the best fake smile I could and said, “Of course I do.” When I saw the relief in his eyes, I found that I didn’t need to fake it.

I told Sara the revised plan during lunch.

“No way,” she gasped. “You’re going to meet his parents?”

After thinking about it for a minute longer, she added, “You know I don’t believe you when you say you’re just friends. You have a thing for him, whether you’re ready to admit it or not.”

“Sara,” I exclaimed with fiery cheeks, “you don’t know what you’re talking about!” I couldn’t cool my face for the rest of lunch. It didn’t help that Sara kept a stupid grin on her face the entire time, fueling the fire.

“You have to promise me that you’ll keep your thoughts to yourself when we’re around him,” I begged.

“Em, I would never say anything about how you feel about him,” she promised.

“How you think I feel about him,” I corrected. But I couldn’t argue my point beyond that.

I was so overwhelmed I could barely sit through Journalism class. With Sara’s provoking smile on one side and Evan’s heart stopping grin on the other, my head was spinning. I couldn’t deny how I felt every time I was around Evan. But I’d convinced myself that being friends was what was best. I knew what was best, right?

I couldn’t think of him as any more than a friend. I had too much to lose. Why did I let Sara get to me? I didn’t have any serious feelings for him, right? There was no way…

I watched while Evan listened to Ms. Holt’s review of the current assignments. I traced the profile of his straight nose with his distinct cheekbones, down to his chiseled jaw. His perfect lips were separated slightly as his steel blue eyes glanced from Ms. Holt down to his notebook, where he would occasionally jot down notes. I followed the tight muscles that extended down his neck, concealed under the blue sweater that hinted at the contours of his chest. I was breathing slowly, unable to redirect my eyes. My heart murmured softly in my chest, releasing a tingling that sent goose bumps along my arms.

Evan glanced at me, and I quickly turned my head, my cheeks warming. I knew he didn’t know what I was thinking – I didn’t know what I was thinking – but I didn’t want him to catch me staring. Seriously, what was I thinking? I could not have feelings for Evan! What was going on?! My mind unraveled as images of our time together flashed through my head. I finally gave in to what I’d been trying to ignore for the past month. I took a gulp of air as I finally faced the truth – I was in love with Evan Mathews.

“Are you okay?” Sara whispered. “You look freaked.”

“Ms. Holt,” I interrupted with an unsteady voice. The whole class turned to look at me. “Uh, Sara and I have to leave now so we can get ready for the pep rally.”

Before she could answer, I stood with my books in my arms, heading out the door. I turned when I got into the hallway, urging Sara to hurry up as she slowly gathered her things.

“What is wrong with you?” she demanded when we walked into the girls’ bathroom. I checked the stalls before answering. Sara followed my actions with a worried stare.

“I am freaked,” I admitted in a loud whisper. “Sara, I can’t believe I like him.”

“I’m not following,” she replied with narrow eyes. “And why are you whispering?”

“You’re right. I like Evan a lot more than a friend,” I sighed.

“You are just now realizing this?” she almost laughed.

“Shut up, Sara,” I snapped, still whispering. “This is horrible. I can’t feel this way. And you can’t tell me you don’t understand why I’m so freaked.”

She absorbed my desperate words and took a long breath.





“I know why you think you can’t date him. But I think you’re only hurting yourself more if you try to deny how you feel.”

“Besides, how do I know he feels the same? I can’t tell him. Then it would be so weird, and we wouldn’t even be able to be friends.”

Sara shook her head and grinned, “You are such an idiot. Of course he feels the same way. I can’t believe how blind you are. Are you worried that if you dated him, she’d find out?”

“If she ever found out I was dating someone, I’d lose everything. She would never let me out of the house. And he can never find out what it’s like for me! I can’t do this.”

“No, you can’t do it,” she agreed firmly. “I’m already going against everything my gut is telling me by keeping your secret. I’m not going to let you risk it more by pissing Carol off if she found out about Evan.”

I wasn’t expecting Sara to say this. I knew she was right, but my heart still sank.

“I don’t want you to have to give him up, so we’ll just have to figure out a way for you to remain friends – nothing more. Maybe you shouldn’t spend time alone together.”

“I have to this weekend,” I huffed, now even more tormented by the thought of going to dinner with him. “But Sara, if I can’t be alone with him, then I shouldn’t be friends with him. You can’t chaperone to make sure he doesn’t stand too close. Just help me keep my head on straight, that’ll be enough. If I can’t handle it, then I can’t be around him anymore. It’s that simple.”

“We can do this,” she assured me, unable to contain her grin. “Although I’ve wished for forever that you guys would hook up.”

“Sara, that’s not helping,” I snapped, no longer whispering.

“You’re right, sorry,” she said, still grinning.