Reason to Breathe

23. Silence





I remained silent in the passenger seat. I couldn’t even bring myself to look at him.


Evan drove to the end of my street before he asked, “How are you?”

“Humiliated,” I answered, looking out the window.

The quiet settled in again for a few minutes before he asked, “Are you mad at me for checking on you?”

“You shouldn’t have,” I answered honestly.

“You’re not going to tell me what happened, are you?”

“I can’t. You saw more than enough.”

He pulled into the same drugstore parking lot as before, and parked the car.

“Evan, I really don’t want to talk about it,” I insisted, finally looking at him.

“That’s what’s bothering me. Why can’t you trust me?” His troubled eyes searched mine for an explanation.

“That has nothing to do with it.”

“That has everything to do with it,” he said emphatically. “I thought we were past that.”

“I’m sorry you thought that,” I said stoically. He pulled back as if my words burned him.

“So, you don’t trust me to know what’s going on with you at home?” After hesitating for a moment, he added, “You never planned to let me in did you?” His voice grew stronger as he spoke, almost angry.

I couldn’t find the words to agree with him, knowing it would only make him more upset.

“What was I thinking?” he asked himself in a whisper. “I thought you were stronger than this.” His words bit, and my heart flinched. “I can’t believe you let them treat you like this.”

After a minute of unreturned response, Evan murmured in sinking disappointment, “You’re not who I thought you were.”

“I knew that,” I whispered.

“So I don’t really know you, do I?”

I shrugged. He exhaled quickly and shook his head, frustrated with my unwillingness to answer.

“Does Sara?” he asked. “Do you trust Sara more than me?”

“Leave her out of this,” I shot back.

“I don’t get it,” he said to himself, looking at the floor. Then he turned to me and asked, “Does he hurt you?”

“George?” I questioned, shocked by the accusation. “No, George wouldn’t hurt me.”

“Then, she just doesn’t like you, is that it?” he pushed.

“Evan, I can’t and don’t want to talk about what happens behind the closed doors of my house. And you’re right, I’m not that strong, and I’m not the person you thought I was. But I’ve been trying to tell you that all along. I’m sorry that you’re disappointed now that you finally figured it out. But I’m never going to be able to tell you what you want to know.”

His face turned red, but I wasn’t certain what emotion fueled the heat.

“I’d really like to get to school now,” I demanded.

Evan pulled out of the parking lot, and we drove the rest of the way in silence.

The silence lasted for a long time.

Sara tried to talk to me about it, but it took me a week before I could repeat the words said in the car that day. She never brought it up again and tried not to mention him at all.

We co-existed within the same halls of the school and the walls of our classrooms. We didn’t speak to each other, even in Anatomy class where we sat a few feet apart. In the rest of our shared classes, we sat at opposite ends of the room.

This didn’t mean I didn’t notice him. I noticed him until I convinced myself that I couldn’t anymore. I accepted the truth that I’d been avoiding all along – it could never work. It never had a chance. My aching heart had a hard time giving up hope, but I found a way to tuck that deep inside as well. I faded into the walls like I had before Evan Mathews walked through the doors of Weslyn High - except, I didn’t completely disappear.

The week after Thanksgiving, when I was caught up in being angry and disappointed with Evan – angry that he forced his way in and disappointed that he didn’t like what he saw when he got there – I was taken by surprise.

“I know what you probably think of me,” Drew Carson said, joining Sara and me at our lunch table that Wednesday afternoon.

I glanced from Sara to Drew, not understanding what he was talking about or why he was sitting at our table.

“At Jake’s party,” he explained, “I saw how you looked at me before you left. I’m not like that.”

“Really, then why were you there?” I was too annoyed with thoughts of Evan to hold back my candor. “Isn’t that what all the guys were there for? You even admitted you’re friends with Jake.”

It was obvious he wasn’t expecting my biting words either, but he didn’t give up.

“You’re right, I knew what went on. But whether you want to believe me or not, that was the first time I’ve shown up at one of his parties.” I let out a skeptical laugh. Sara remained still, like she was watching a movie, her wide eyes shooting back and forth between Drew and me.

“I swear I only knew about them because Jake kept asking me to go. But I didn’t give in until that night. But only because I heard you were going to be there.”

He saw my eyes cringe in disgust, and quickly added, “I just wanted to talk to you, honest. Like I told you that night, I should’ve talked to you before then.” I didn’t respond.

“I was hoping to convince you to give me a second chance, that’s all. I don’t want you to think I’m that guy.”

Before I could say anything, he got up from the table. Sara was left staring at me with her eyebrows raised. I read her thoughts, sighed in exasperation, and left the table as well. It wasn’t worth discussing.

I missed the fall awards night because I was officially grounded. Sara let me know that she, Jill and I were next season’s captains of the girls’ soccer team. She also told me I was chosen as the team’s MVP, along with making the All-State and All-American teams. There was a dinner in January recognizing the athletes. I knew I wouldn’t be attending that either.

Soon after, the letters from the colleges started to arrive. I suspected there would have been phone calls as well, but our number was privately listed, and only a hand full of people in the world were privileged enough to have it. Carol dropped the pile of packets on the floor of my room each day. There were letters from coaches and athletic directors, hoping to set up a time for me to see their campuses and meet with them in the spring. I didn’t know most of the colleges were interested in me until I received the letters.

This burst of mail gave me that something I needed to keep me looking forward, instead of continuing to be mired in the present. As long as I had the hope of escaping, I was convinced I could recover from Carol’s glares and Evan’s avoidance. I had to have something to hold on to as I hung from my ledge.

I didn’t receive as much grief as I expected from my basketball coach or other teachers for taking the week off. I was technically supposed to try out for the basketball team before being placed on the roster, so Coach had me “try out” during a couple of study periods during the week. He deemed that it qualified me to start as point guard. I was expected to fill the position, so it wasn’t a controversial decision.

Sara played volleyball during the winter, so Jill drove me home on the nights Sara had practice after us. Jill was happy to drive me, however, I got more out of our time together than I was prepared for. She was a little too up to date on the latest gossip, eager to contribute to its circulation. I really didn’t want to hear it.

“Did you know that Evan went on a date with Haley Spencer on Saturday?” Jill asked after my first official practice with the team on Monday – perfect example of why I didn’t want to hear it. “I really thought you and Evan were going to be together. What happened?”

I shrugged, unable to speak. Haley Spencer, really? A hot flash of anger and jealousy streaked through my body. I forced it away as fast as it made its appearance.

When Sara picked me up the next morning, I confronted her. “You knew about Evan and Haley, didn’t you?”

Sara pressed her lips together and exhaled, contemplating what to say.

“I didn’t think it was worth getting you upset over. Let me guess, Jill told you, right?”

“Sara, I was going to find out eventually, and it would have been so much easier coming from you.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry.” Then she glanced at me, trying to read my face. “I bet he did this to get to you.”

“He can do whatever he wants,” I huffed. “I really don’t care.”

“Sure, whatever you say,” Sara said, mocking me. “Em, even I’m upset that he went out with Haley Spencer. Come on, Haley Spencer - could he have picked any one more shallow and superficial? She’s the exact opposite of you.” As soon as the words left her mouth, she bit her lower lip.

I snapped my head over to gape at her. Her eyes softened as she offered a silent apology. She and I both understood the truth in her statement, and that truth turned in my stomach the entire ride to school. That was the day I finally returned Drew Carson’s peace offering.

Drew had been persistently, but subtly, trying to get me to talk to him again since that day in the cafeteria. During lunch and at the end of the day, he made sure our paths crossed. He’d glance at me and say, “Hi, Emma.” I would ignore him and keep walking.

Until the day I finally responded, “Hi, Drew.” The sound of my voice stopped him mid-step, causing the person following him to the cafeteria to walk right into the back of him. I let out a small laugh and kept walking. I didn’t see him again until I was walking up the stairs from the locker room to go to the gym. He was outside the gym’s entrance talking to another guy when I caught his eye.

“Good luck in your game today.”

I hadn’t noticed him at first. I was too consumed by my thoughts of the game to notice anything. Hearing his voice snapped me back into the halls of the school with the sneakers squeaking and the dribbling of basketballs coming from the gym. That’s when I saw Drew standing by the entrance. The guy he was talking to said he’d see him later and left us alone.

“Thanks,” I responded. “What are you guys doing for practice today?”

“We’re practicing tonight, after your game,” Drew explained. “I’m thinking about showing up early so I can watch.”

I wasn’t sure what to think about his interest in our game. Was he coming to show support for our team, or was he coming to watch me?

“How do you think you’ll do? I heard you’ve missed some practices.”

My face turned red at this acknowledgement. “I was able to go over the plays with Coach Stanley, so I’m pretty sure I’ll be fine.”

“I believe it,” he said with a smile. “I’ll see you after your game.” I smiled back.

It was impossible to deny that Drew was incredible looking, with his boyish face and deep dimples. It was easy to get lost in his breathtaking tranquil green eyes. They peeked out from under his black hair, which always looked like he just came from the beach. Knowing how much he loved to surf, he probably had. I stood in the doorway staring after him, even after he was out of sight.

“Emma, you ready?” Jill asked when she walked past me, snapping me out of my daze.

“Yeah, ready.”





Just as he promised, Drew was waiting for me after I grabbed my things from the bench.

“Good game,” he congratulated me. “You have a great outside shot.”

“Thanks.” I took a swig of my sports drink before gathering my gear from the bench.

“I’m glad you’re talking to me.”

“I figured everyone deserves a second chance.” I grinned, and he returned the expression.

“I should get to practice.” He nodded toward the court, where some of his teammates were dribbling and taking shots. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow?”

“Sure.”

With that second chance, Drew Carson would change everything. The rest of that week, I found our paths crossed more often. I invited him to sit with us during lunch, which I thought was going to cause Sara to fall out of her seat. We found a few minutes to talk before or after our practices. Then I discovered he was actually assigned to my study period. As a senior privilege, if any of the students had study as their first or last class, they could opt to come in late or leave early. I never saw Drew in study, because he hadn’t been there. But after we started talking, he decided to show up.

Sara didn’t say anything about my sudden interest in Drew. She was friendly and accepting of his presence during the times that she and I usually had alone. I hoped she found his company as refreshing as I did. Drew was charming – helping me to recover my smile.

When I saw Drew at the end of each day, it was a way to recuperate from being exposed to Evan’s evasive presence all day. It was easy to carry on conversations with him about anything and everything, but never anything too personal. He didn’t push me to reveal more about myself than I was willing to share, which was a comforting relief. When I was with him, I found myself laughing - really, honestly, enjoyably laughing. He was a breath of fresh air after the heart wrenching storm that had engulfed me.

When I was with Drew, I wasn’t thinking about Evan. I couldn’t keep the two images in my head at the same time, so I pushed Evan’s out. I started not to notice where Evan was, and I didn’t flinch at the sound of his voice as often. I wasn’t allowing space for him anymore.

Instead, I found myself focusing on Drew, who responded with full attention. I didn’t expect it to be the same, and it wasn’t. My heart didn’t flutter or murmur whenever Drew sat next to me. It stayed deep within my chest, thumping at its consistent pace. I wasn’t disappointed – I was relieved.

I didn’t talk to Sara about Drew, and she didn’t ask. But I wasn’t expecting her to reaction when I asked if we could meet him at a bon fire on a private beach after the game that Friday.

“Em, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” she insisted. “Maybe we should stay in and watch movies. It’s only been a few weeks since the incident with Carol. You’re lucky she’s letting you stay over again.”

I knew there was something more to her hesitation than she was admitting.

“Sara, are you telling me you don’t want to go to this bon fire? I’ve heard who’s supposed to be there, and it’s a pretty decent list.”

“Yeah, me too,” she admitted reluctantly. “Em, you promise you won’t do anything stupid, right?”

“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked, offended.

“I haven’t said anything because I think you really do like him, but I’m worried about where you’re headed with Drew.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” I denied, but I had a feeling I knew where this was going.

“Just don’t do anything you typically wouldn’t if you weren’t trying to get over Evan.”

I didn’t say anything. She knew I understood what she meant. Sara agreed to go to the bon fire after my basketball game Friday night, and I convinced myself that I didn’t do anything that weekend that I didn’t want to do. That was until I heard the accusations of what I did out loud.





“You kissed Drew Carson?!” Evan practically yelled as he stood next to me at my locker.

It took me a second to believe he was standing next to me, forget about talking – well, yelling at me. His face was flushed, and his jaw was tight. He leered at me from behind my locker door, holding it open with his hand. I glanced around the empty halls to see if anyone heard him.

“How did you hear about that?” I asked. Not only was I stunned to see Evan at my locker, but I was shocked that Drew had said anything.

“Don’t worry I didn’t hear it from Drew, he doesn’t talk. But his friends do.” He was fuming and seeing his reaction only ignited my anger. What gave him the right to be upset with me?

“I’m surprised you could hear with Haley Spencer’s tongue in your ear,” I shot back. His face turned a different shade of red as the surprise reflected in his eyes. “Yeah, I heard about that too.”

“It’s not what you think,” he explained, still angry, but the bite was absent from his tone. “We went out once.”

“Oh, is that why I saw you together at the bon fire?!” I yelled back. Now, I was the one infuriated as I recalled the image of Haley nuzzled into Evan’s arm across from me at the bon fire.

“You were there?” he asked, dropping his attack.

“I left pretty much after I saw the two of you. So don’t you dare try to make me feel anything remotely like guilt for kissing Drew.” The heat spread across my face as I abruptly closed my locker, holding my backpack and duffle bag in my hands.

“But you hardly know him,” he rebutted. “What, you’ve talked to him for a week and that makes it okay to kiss him the first time you see him out?” His voice escalated again.

“Oh, and you’re so much better?! Had you ever talked to Haley before you did whatever you did with her at Jake’s party that first weekend?”

His eyes widened as he leaned back from my blow, confirming what Haley had told me earlier that day.

“Yeah, it was really great to hear it from her too, Evan,” I snapped, trying to hide the hurt in my voice, while recalling her snide remark about how interesting it was that she and I were seeing the guys that we met at Jake’s party. I thought I was going to fall over when the words came out of her mouth before she walked away with a smug grin.

Evan struggled to find the words. “I didn’t do…” His eyes pleaded. “It’s really not like that. Can I explain?”

“No.” The edge dropped from my voice, releasing the anger with it. I became emotionless, pushing away the pain and sadness that threatened to seep up from where I hid them. “I don’t want to know.”

I walked past him towards the stairs.

“I trusted you,” Evan bellowed, as the distance grew between us. I stopped and turned back around. He walked towards me until we were only a foot apart. “I trusted you, and you couldn’t trust me.”

I stared back, watching the hurt reveal itself in his eyes. My heart ached in return.

“I unpacked for the first time ever – for you. I was honest with you about everything – even with the truth about how I felt about you. I’ve never been that honest before. I trusted you.” His voice drifted into a whisper as he leaned closer to me. “Why couldn’t you trust me?”

I swallowed the lump in my throat with tears welling in my eyes. My heart reached for him, begging me to touch him, as I absorbed the pain in his stormy eyes. The seconds lasted for what felt like minutes, and then I tensed my body and walked away.

I went through the doors leading to the stairs and hurried down them.

“I’m still in love with you,” he yelled from the top step. I froze as the first tear rolled down my cheek. “Please don’t walk away from me.”

The tears streamed silently down my face - I couldn’t move. My heartbeat thumped forcefully in my chest, and for a second, I almost turned around. Then the image of Evan and Haley together in front of the bon fire, with his arm around her shoulder, flashed through my head, and I found my feet moving in a rush down the stairs.

I made it through practice that afternoon, although I don’t remember much about it. Forcing myself to dribble, pass and shoot kept me from replaying the confrontation with Evan. By the end of practice, I was too exhausted to think about anything.

As I was heading to the locker room, the junior varsity guys started warming up on the court for their game. Drew waited for me at the end of the bleachers, in front of the entrance to the guys’ locker room.

“Can you stay for my game?” he asked.

“Sorry, I don’t think so,” I admitted with a frown. “Good luck though.”

“Will I see you tomorrow night after your game?”

“Yeah, I’d like that. I just have to check with Sara to make sure she doesn’t have anything planned.”

“One of the guys from the team is having a few people over and I’d like it if you and Sara came too.”

“I’ll see,” I promised, but I was pretty sure I wouldn’t make it since I had to be home by ten.

Before I realized what he was doing, he leaned over and kissed me softly on the lips. My body stiffened, as I remained stunned, unable to breathe for a brief moment. Drew looked up and said, “Hey, Mathews.”

“Hi Drew,” Evan returned with a bite. I only caught a glimpse of the bag over Evan’s arm as he walked past us toward the locker room.

My heart crashed into my stomach. Did Evan just see Drew kiss me?

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Drew smiled and brushed his hand along my cheek.

I nodded and forced the faintest hint of a smile. He walked through the doors to the locker room after Evan.

I knew what Evan just witnessed between Drew and me, especially after what had happened at my locker, was worse than anything I’d seen between him and Haley. I suppressed the twisting storm of guilt that threatened to consume me. I waited until I was alone in my room that night before I unleashed it and cried myself to sleep.