Reason to Breathe

33. Discovery





“You could stay at my house on Saturday,” Evan offered when I told him that Sara’s wasn’t an option. The three of us sat on the bleachers after I watched Weslyn win their game.


“That could work,” Sara agreed with a smirk. I gawked back at her, unable to believe she was agreeing with him. “My parents won’t say that you weren’t with me. Your aunt and uncle will never know. Em, you won’t have to go home until Sunday morning.”

“My parents won’t be home, so they won’t say anything,” Evan added. This revelation didn’t make my decision easier, it actually made it harder.

I considered my options and reluctantly agreed to spend Saturday night at Evan’s.

“You are in so much trouble,” Sara taunted when we drove to my house to grab my clothes for the weekend.

“Shut up, Sara,” I shot back. “You’re the one who thought it was such a great idea.”

“You have to tell me every single detail.”

“Stop it. Nothing’s going to happen,” I declared, trying to convince myself more than Sara.

Sara accompanied me into my house to help carry my bag. I thought it was best not to provoke the situation by using the crutches, so I limped in, trying to creep unnoticed through the kitchen while the family ate in the dining room.

Carol greeted us with a disturbing smile in the kitchen.

“Hi Sara,” she beamed. It was nauseating to witness. “Emma, the nurse called. She wants to make sure you rest your leg this weekend and continue icing it. So, lie low, okay?” Her false concern made me cringe.

“Okay,” I said, unable to meet her eyes, continuing to inch toward my door.

“Chores on Sunday morning, alright?” she sang in a sickeningly sweet voice. I nodded.

I didn’t know who she was trying to fool. We knew the monster that dwelled under her façade.

“Good luck with the SAT’s.”

“Thank you,” Sara replied politely. I turned to escape the bizarre exchange and headed to my room.

We packed silently, the tension thick, knowing Carol was within earshot. I’m sure she was dying to overhear me say something about her to Sara, but there was no way I was going to give her ammunition for her next ambush. I threw clothes on my bed, and Sara stuffed them into the duffle bag.

I breathed easier when I was back in Sara’s car.

“She is so strange.”

“I don’t think that’s the right word for her,” I grumbled.

“Just you and me tonight?” Sara confirmed. I realized she and I hadn’t had much time alone since Evan’s return.

“Sounds perfect.”

Sara and I watched a movie and ate pizza. I let her paint my toes a horrible shade of purple that resembled the color of my knee. We were in bed early for a Friday night, in preparation for the SAT’s the next morning.

~~~~~

“Don’t even ask,” I scowled at Evan, entering the halls after sitting for hours reading questions, writing essays, and filling in what seemed like a million little circles. My mind raced through question after question, second guessing and scrutinizing my responses. My head was spinning, and my stomach was upside down, knowing my future now rest in another’s hands.

“Okay, I won’t ask you how you think you did,” Evan promised. “Let’s get something to eat. Everyone’s going to Frank’s if you want to go.”

“That’s fine,” I agreed.





“How’d you do?” Jill asked with way more energy than anyone should have after spending hours on tests that would decide her future. She slid in at the booth across from us, eagerly awaiting my answer.

I dropped my head in my arms and groaned.

“She doesn’t want to talk about it,” Evan explained.

“Come on, Emma,” Jill exclaimed, “you of all people shouldn’t be worried about how you did.”

“It all ran together,” I complained, my voice muffled since I refused to lift my head. “I don’t remember any of it. I could have answered anything, and I would have no recollection of whether it was correct or not. I think I’m going to throw up.”

“Relax,” Kyle urged. I didn’t realize he was sitting next to Jill. “It’s over now, so it doesn’t matter.”

“Easy for you to say,” I mumbled, peering up at him from my defeated position, “you’ve already been accepted to college.” Evan flashed his amused grin, which didn’t help my anxiety at all. Knowing my angst was entertaining only made it that much worse.





“Please don’t tell me you’re going to be in a bad mood all day?” Evan pleaded as I hobbled on the crutches to his car.

“I’ll get over it,” I promised with a heavy sigh. “What are we doing today?”

“Not much. You need to stay off your leg. I thought we’d play video games or something so you can keep your leg up.”

“Is that going to drive you crazy?” I asked, concerned that my immobility was going to bore him.

“No,” he replied with a grin. “I don’t always have to be doing something. I can just hang out.”

And that’s what we did for the rest of the afternoon – hung out on the couch above the garage. I watched Evan play the video games more than I participated. I was too frustrated with all of the buttons and knobs, unable to catch on to what I had to press or turn and when. I opted to prop my leg on his lap, observing his gaming skills while I iced it. It could have been worse.





“Want to watch a movie?” Evan offered while we sat in the kitchen, eating one of his creations for dinner.

“You know I’ll fall asleep.”

“I don’t mind,” he smiled.

“Where do you watch movies?” I inquired, realizing the only televisions I’d seen were in the barn and in his room.

“My room.”

A sudden streak of panic made me more alert than I’d been all day. I tried to appear unaffected by his response, but I was hyperventilating on the inside.

“Do you play the piano?” I asked, trying to think of something to do besides go to his room.

“A little,” he admitted slowly, not expecting the question.

“Will you play for me?”

Evan’s cheeks flushed, making me smile. It was something I didn’t see very often.

“Now you have to,” I taunted after seeing how uncomfortable my request made him.

“I’ll try,” he said with a deep breath.

After we - or I should say, Evan, since he wouldn’t let me help - cleaned up, I followed him to the piano. Evan sat on the bench and I scooted in next to him. He looked at me hesitantly and poised himself to play. I was truly excited to witness another one of his talents. Before he pressed the keys under his fingers, he looked at me again and shook his head.

“No, sorry - can’t do it.”

“What?!” I exclaimed disapprovingly. “You have to.”

“No.” He shook his head again, “I can’t. Let’s go listen to people who actually know what they’re doing.”

Without giving me a second to resist, Evan scooped me up in his arms and headed for the stairs.

“Evan, you really don’t have to carry me.” Being held sent a rush of color to my cheeks. And knowing that he was carrying me to his bedroom didn’t help cool them.

“It’ll take too long for you to hop up the stairs,” he countered.

He nudged the door open with his shoulder and gently laid me on the bed. I quickly pushed myself up to sit, my pulse beating a thousand miles a minute. Evan selected a song with a catchy beat. A distinct voice, singing about being alone with a girl. He turned down the volume so that we could talk.

“I have to ask you something,” Evan confessed nervously, sitting next to me on the bed, “and I know you’re not going to like talking about it.”

I remained still, already not liking it.

“When Sara said that ‘she’s paying attention again,’ was she right?” After a moment of silence, he added, “And please don’t lie.”

I looked from his desperate eyes to my lap, where I dug my fingernails into my thumb.

“I don’t know,” I whispered. “I don’t understand her enough to even begin to know what provokes her. But I’m not worried, and I don’t want you and Sara to be either.”

I met his eyes and pressed my lips into the slightest smile, trying to comfort him. It didn’t relieve his troubled expression.

“I was serious about leaving with you.”

I smiled wider.

“You know that, right?” he confirmed again, more adamantly. “Just tell me, and we’ll leave.”

“It’s not going to come to that,” I assured him, still smiling at his commitment to rescuing me. “I can get through this, as long as you promise not to leave again.”

“I promise,” he vowed and leaned in to kiss me.

I surprised him when I immediately asked a question after his lips separated from mine, not giving us the option to get carried away. He asked me to repeat it, obviously not prepared to talk. I was determined not to give in to the craving. I was going to be in control… or asleep.





“Emma,” Evan whispered in my ear. My cheeks tightened as I smiled at the tickling of his fingers along my neck. “You can stay in here if you want, or you can sleep in the guestroom.”

My eyes shot open. Evan was looking down at me as I lay on his chest with my arm casually draped across him. I sat up and looked around the dark room. The only source of light was from the television airing a late night talk show.

“Um,” I responded, shaking off the haze of sleep, “the guestroom is fine.”

“I’ll get your bag and crutches,” he offered.

“I don’t need the crutches. I think I can put some weight on it.”

He examined me skeptically.

“Honestly, I think it’s feeling better.”

Evan disappeared down the stairs, after pointing out a door down the long corridor that led to the guestroom. In his absence, I limped to the door, slowly putting more weight on my injured leg. It was still sore but definitely better.

I opened the door to reveal a delicately decorated room adorned with several paintings of pink, yellow and blue flowers. I recognized Vivian’s influence in the white duvet with pink roses embroidered around the edges. The cream colored walls brightened the space, in complete contrast to Evan’s dark room.

“This okay?” Evan confirmed from behind me.

“Yeah,” I replied, limping over to sit on the edge of the bed.

Evan set my bag on the floor and hesitated.

“Um, good night.” I wasn’t sure what I should have said, but I don’t think that was what he was expecting.

“Oh, yeah. Good night.” He gave me a quick peck on the lips and walked out the door.

I collapsed onto my back with my arms spread beside me, releasing an aching sigh. I did the right thing, right? I should be sleeping in here, not in his room. After prepping for bed in the private bathroom, I slipped under the world’s softest sheets and shut off the lamp on the white pedestal table.

Eyes, please close.

Willing myself to sleep was not working. I stared into the dark, fighting the desire to go to him. The beating in my chest was loud and steady – I could feel it in my throat. I needed to fall asleep - or at least turn over so I wasn’t staring at the door any longer.

“Em? You awake?” Evan whispered. I couldn’t help but smile when I turned over to find his head peering through the crack of the door.

He smiled back. “Knowing you were right down the hall was way too hard. I couldn’t do it,” Evan declared, sliding under the covers next to me. “Hi.”

“Hi.” I smiled wider.

“How’s your knee?” he asked with his head on the pillow next to mine.

“You did not come in here to ask me about my knee,” I accused.

He shook his head with a smirk and pulled me toward him. Although his lips were familiar to me, I still lost my breath when we connected. I became entranced by their slow soft passes over mine. My mouth parted to his advances with a soft breath. His hands slipped under my tank top, along my back. He stirred a warm tingling within me when he delicately traced his fingers along my stomach. I released a quick breath and pulled him closer - then winced as my knee hit his.

“Are you okay?” he questioned, pulling away – too far away.

“I’m okay,” I whispered. He didn’t move. “I promise - I’m fine.”

Reluctantly, Evan moved closer until we were touching again. I kept my right leg on the bed behind my left, to protect us from another painful interruption. I was easily lost in his warmth again. I slid my hands under his shirt, running my fingers along the smooth curves of his chest and down to his waist. He inhaled quickly. He reached around and pulled his shirt over his head. My heart stopped. I breathlessly observed the silhouette of his defined, lean muscles in the dark and bit my lip. He leaned in to drag his parted lips along my neck.

When I thought we’d stop, we didn’t. There wasn’t a warning in my head urging me to slow down. All I could hear was our quick breaths. All I could feel was his touch on my heated skin. My head spun, and my pulse quickened; eventually releasing a moan I didn’t know I had in my depths. Our discovery of each other left my chest rising with long, drawn breaths. There wasn’t a quick retreat but a slow and gradual withdrawal as his arms settled around my waist, and I nuzzled into his neck, brushing it softly with my lips.

“How’s your knee?” he whispered, kissing the top of my head.

I’d completely forgotten about my knee, but now I recognized the throbbing that kept pace with my heart.

“I’ll be okay,” I assured him.

“I’m going to get you some ice,” he insisted, moving away from me. I instantly missed the warmth of his body, watching him slide his shirt over his head to conceal his defined lines before stepping out the door.

I lay on my back, awaiting his return. My eyes were slowly blinking closed when I heard the distinct rattling of ice. Evan slid his pillow under my knee before setting the bag of ice on it.

“I’m going to my room, so I don’t bang your knee while you’re sleeping,” he stated, easing the down comforter over me before kissing my forehead. “Good night.”

“Good night,” I murmured with a delicate grin, already drifting to sleep. I knew in that moment, I would never love anyone in my life the way I loved Evan Mathews.