A Christmas Bride

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

KAYLEEN DIDN’T REMEMBER leaving the party, but she must have. When she finally looked around, she was in the garden—the one place she always seemed to retreat to. It was mostly in shadow, with lights illuminating the path. She wandered around, her body aching, her eyes burning, neither of which compared to the pain in her heart.

As’ad didn’t love her. While he’d never specifically said he cared, she’d allowed herself to believe.

I’m a fool,” she said aloud.

He’d dismissed feelings as nothing more than a convenience. He’d admitted that their marriage would be easier for him, because of her feelings. He was using her. Nothing about their engagement mattered to him. She didn’t matter to him.

She hurt. Her whole body ached. Each breath was an effort. She wanted to cry, but she was too stunned.

Her hopes and dreams continued to crumble around her, leaving her standing in a pile of dusty “what could have been.” She’d thought she’d found where she belonged, where she could matter and make a difference. She’d thought so many things. But in As’ad’s mind, she was little more than a comfy ottoman, where he could rest his feet. Useful, but not of any great interest.

She turned, trying to figure out where to go, what to do. Light caught her engagement ring and made it sparkle. She’d been such a fool, she thought bitterly. So stupidly innocent and naive about everything. Her mother had been right—why on earth would a man like As’ad be interested in a country mouse like herself? She’d wrapped herself in the fantasy because it was what she wanted to believe. Because it was easier than accepting the truth.

She heard a sound and looked up. One of the doves shifted in its cage. Willingly trapped because they either didn’t understand they could be free or weren’t interested. They took the easy way out, too.

Anger joined a sadness so profound, she knew it would scar her forever. Because whatever mistakes she’d made, she truly did love As’ad. She always would. But she didn’t belong here. She couldn’t stay and marry a man who didn’t love her.

That decided, she made her way into the palace. Her mother’s door stood partially open. Kayleen stepped inside without knocking to find her mother supervising two maids who were packing her suitcases. Darlene had already changed out of her evening gown into an elegant pantsuit. When she saw her daughter, she smiled.

Oh, good. You stopped by. That saves me writing a note. Look, I’m leaving—just like you said I should. I’ve had a great time. I’m sorry we didn’t get a chance to get to know each other better. Next time you’re back in the States, you’ll need to look me up.”

Everything about her was false, Kayleen thought emotionlessly. From her bleached hair to her fake smiles.

You’re leaving because As’ad is paying you four million dollars,” Kayleen told her. “I heard the conversation.”

Then you know I got what I came for. A secure future. It’s not a fortune, but I know how to invest. I’ll live well enough and maybe find someone to supplement my excesses. It doesn’t compare with your haul, of course, but we can’t all be that lucky.”

Lucky. Right. To fall in love with a man who didn’t care about her.

When do you leave?” Kayleen asked.

There’s a plane waiting at the airport. I love the truly rich.” Darlene frowned. “You’re not going to want an emotional goodbye, are you?”

No. I don’t want anything from you.”

With that, she left and returned to her own suite. The babysitter greeted her.

They were all so good tonight,” the young woman said.

I’m glad. Thank you.”

The other woman left and Kayleen was alone.

Despite the pain, she felt almost at peace. Maybe it was finally seeing the world as it was, and not as she wanted it to be. Maybe it was knowing the truth.

The truth was she would never have the kind of relationship with her biological family that she wanted. She could keep trying and maybe in time, things would improve, but there was no rescue there. There was no happy ending.

The same was true with As’ad. He’d proposed out of duty and maybe with the belief that she would be a good wife. He’d told her he didn’t believe in love and she hadn’t listened. She’d created a different story because it was what she wanted to believe.

But he didn’t love her and he had no intention of loving her. So her choices were clear. She could stay and marry him, live life as a princess, or she could walk away. Darlene would tell her the money, the prestige, the palace, were worth nearly everything. But Kayleen remembered reading once that when a woman marries for money, she earns every penny.

She didn’t want to marry for money—she wanted to marry for love. She wasn’t like the doves—trapped even though the door was open, she was free to leave.

After looking in on the girls, she returned to her own room. She undressed and pulled on a robe, then sat in a chair by the French doors and stared out at the night.

The only part of leaving that bothered her was knowing how much she would miss As’ad. Despite everything, she loved him. Would she ever be able to love anyone else?

Because that’s what she wanted. A real life, with a family and a man who cared. She wasn’t going to run back to the convent school. She was going to make her way in the world. She was strong—she could do it.

* * *

AS’AD FOUND KAYLEEN in her suite. She’d changed out of her ball gown and pulled on a robe. She sat in the living room, a pad of paper on her lap.

He walked in and stared at her. “You left the party. I looked everywhere and you were gone.”

She glanced up at him. “I didn’t want to stay any longer.”

That didn’t sound right, he thought warily. She’d left without talking to him? “Are you ill?”

I’m fine.”

You came back here to make notes?”

Apparently.” She set the paper and pen on the coffee table, then stood. “Have you transferred the money to my mother?”

He swore silently. “You spoke with her?”

Not about that. Don’t worry. She didn’t tell me anything, so she gets to keep the dress and jewelry, right? I mean, that was the deal. Along with the four million. A generous offer. I’d already told her to leave, but you didn’t know that. She made out well.”

I do not care about the money,” he said, trying to remember exactly what he and Darlene had discussed. Obviously Kayleen had been in a position to overhear their conversation.

He felt badly—he guessed she was hurt and his intent had been to avoid that.

I know,” Kayleen said. “But she does, so it works out well for both of you.”

He tried to read her expression, but he had no idea what she was thinking. Was she angry?

Once she is gone, all will be well,” he said, willing it to be so.

I’m not as sure.” She stared into his eyes. “This is just a marriage of convenience for you. I’m surprised you’d pick me. I’m sure there are women with better pedigrees out there. Women who understand what it’s like to be a princess and who won’t have foolish expectations.”

I am pleased to be marrying you. I want you to be the mother of my sons. I respect you, Kayleen. Isn’t respect and admiration more important, more lasting, than a fleeting emotion like love? I will honor you above all women. That must have value.”

It does. But love has value, too. Maybe it’s a peasant thing.”

She was calm and he didn’t like it. Screaming and crying he could understand, but not this quiet conversation. What did she want from him?

I take a lot of the blame,” she said, her gaze steady. “I took the easy way out. You told me that after we slept together, and you were right. I want to hide, first at the convent school and then here, with you. I was never willing to really strike out on my own. I was afraid and I let that fear rule me. I thought by staying close to what I knew, I would be safe and belong. Even when I went halfway around the world to your country, I huddled in the orphan school, terrified to take a step.”

Her reasoning sounded correct, but he had a bad feeling about what she was saying.

Now you have chosen a different path,” he pointed out. “So you are making changes. That is as it should be.”

I am making changes, As’ad. Big ones.” She removed her engagement ring and held it out to him.

No,” he told her, shocked by her actions. “You have agreed to marry me. Changing your mind is not permitted.”

You don’t get to decide that. I won’t marry a man who doesn’t love me. I’m worth more. I deserve more. And so do you. I know you believe love makes you weak, but you’re wrong. Love makes you strong. It is powerful and the reason we’re here. To love and be loved. You need that, As’ad. I love you, but that’s not enough. You have to be willing to love me back. Maybe I’m not the one. Maybe there’s someone else you can love.”

She gulped in a breath and tried to smile. Her lips trembled. “It hurts to say that. It hurts to think of you with someone else. But I can’t make you love me.”

She didn’t mean this, he told himself. It was the emotion of the moment. She would get over it.

I will not accept the ring back.”

That’s your choice.” She put it on the coffee table. “Either way, I’m leaving.”

You cannot go. I won’t permit it. Besides...” He prepared to say the one thing that would change her mind. “I need you.”

She nodded slowly. “You do. More than you realize. But that’s not enough.”

He frowned. It had worked before. Lina had told him Kayleen wanted to be needed above all. “I need you,” he repeated.

Maybe, but you can’t have me.” She sighed. “It’s late, and you should go.”

Somehow he found himself moving to the door. Then he was in the hallway. He stood there a long time, fighting the strangest feeling that he’d just lost something precious.

No, he told himself. Kayleen wouldn’t leave him. She couldn’t. She belonged here. To him and the girls. She would be fine. In the morning they would talk again. He would make her understand that she belonged here. With him. It was what he wanted. And he was Prince As’ad of El Deharia. He always got what he wanted.

* * *

AS’AD GAVE KAYLEEN plenty of time to think about what she was considering, which turned out to be the one flaw in his plan. For when he returned to her suite close to midday, she and the girls were gone.

Their closets were empty, the toys missing, the dining room swept clean of homework and books. The only thing lying there was the engagement ring he’d given her.

He had expected a fight or tears or even an apology, but not the silence. Not the absence of life. It was as if they’d never been there at all.

He walked through the rooms, not truly accepting the truth of it. She had left him.

Him! A prince. After all he’d done for her, all he’d given her. He’d rescued her and the children, started the adoption process for the girls. He’d given them a home, had proposed to Kayleen. What more did she want?

He burst into his aunt’s office and glared at her. “This is all your fault,” he told her sternly. “You created the problem and you will fix it.”

Lina’s office was small and feminine, overlooking the garden. Normally he would tease her about the frills and ruffles, but not today. Not now when she had ruined everything.

Lina poured herself some tea from a pot on a silver tray. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Of course you do. Kayleen is gone. She left and took the girls. Those are my children. El Deharian law states royal children cannot be taken from the country without their royal parent’s permission.”

You’re not the royal parent yet. Your petition for adoption has not been approved, nor is it likely to be. Custody will be given solely to Kayleen. She’s already spoken to the king.”

As’ad stared at her, unable to believe what she was saying. “That is not possible.”

It’s very possible. You only took the girls because I suggested it as a way to solve the problem with Tahir. You never actually wanted them.”

This was not happening, he told himself. “I did not know them. I know them now and they are my daughters.”

Not really. Kayleen is the one who loves them.”

I provided snow for their pageant.”

Which was great and I know they enjoyed it. I’m not saying you didn’t care about them, As’ad. But love? You don’t believe in it. You’ve told me yourself. Your father understands completely. Don’t forget, these aren’t royal children who grew up like you did. They expect their parents to love them. Kayleen will. They’re leaving El Deharia. All four of them.”

Leaving? Permanently?

I will not allow it,” he told her. “I insist they stay.”

They will through the holidays, then Kayleen is taking the girls back to the States. It will be easier for them to start over. Your father has offered to help financially. Kayleen is being her usual sacrificing self. She will allow him to help her with the girls until she gets established, but then she’ll handle things. She’s going to let him pay for college, though. Especially for Dana. Apparently she wants to be a doctor.”

I know that,” As’ad said through ground teeth. “And Nadine will dance and Pepper has yet to decide, but she’s only eight and why should she? This is ridiculous. My father will not support my children. It is my responsibility and my right. You have meddled, Lina. You have ruined everything.”

Actually, you did that all yourself. Kayleen is a wonderful woman. She adored you and would have made you very happy. She was yours to lose and you did. But don’t worry. She’ll find someone else. I’m a little more worried about you.”

He wanted to rant and yell. He wanted to throw her antique desk through the large window. He wanted to crush her teapot with his bare hands.

None of this is acceptable,” he growled.

I’m sorry you see it that way, but I think it’s for the best. Kayleen deserves a man who will love her. Or don’t you agree?”

He glared at his aunt. “You seek to trap me with your words.”

I seek to make you understand that you don’t deserve a woman like Kayleen.”

Her words cut him in a way no words had before. He stared at her for a long moment as the truth settled into the wound. She was right—he did not deserve Kayleen. All this time he had assumed he was doing her a favor when, in truth, the situation was reversed.

He left Lina’s office and retreated to his own. He told Neil he would not be disturbed. Then he stood alone in the silence and wondered what had gone wrong.

* * *

TWO DAYS LATER he understood the real meaning of the words living in hell. Only there was no living for him, only reminders of what he had lost.

He had always enjoyed life in the palace, but now every room, every corridor, was a reminder of what was missing. He turned, expecting to see one of the girls. But they weren’t there. He thought of a thousand things he should tell Kayleen, but she wasn’t around to listen. He ached to hold her, touch her, kiss her, and there was no one.

She had left him. Willingly, easily. She had walked away and not come back. She, who had claimed to love him.

While he knew in his heart her affection for him had not had time to fade, in his mind he grew angry. But she was not there to fight with.

He spent the night in her rooms, wandering, sitting, waiting, remembering. He arranged to go to Paris to forget her, then canceled his plans. He, who had never allowed himself to care, to need, to love, had been broken. Prince As’ad of El Deharia reduced to a shell of a man because his woman had left.

He hated that. Hated to be weak. Hated to need.

He hurried to see his father, walking in on the king without knocking. His father looked up from his morning paper. “As’ad, what is wrong? You do not look well.”

I am fine. Kayleen has left.”

Yes, I know.”

You must not give her permission to leave the country, or take the girls with her. Those are my children. The law is clearly on my side.”

His father frowned. “Kayleen said you did not love the girls. That they would be better off with her. Was she wrong? What do you wish?”

Love. Why did it always come back to that? As’ad walked to the window and stared out at the horizon.

What did he wish?

I want her back,” he said quietly. “I want her here, with me. I want the girls to return. I want...”

He wanted Kayleen smiling at him, laughing with him, close to him. He wanted to see her stomach swell with their baby, he wanted to ease her discomfort when she was sick. He wanted to see the girls grow and learn and prepare for college. He wanted to walk each of them down the aisle, only after terrifying any young man who would claim one of them as he had claimed Kayleen.

What if Dana was in a love with a man who did not love her back? What would he do?

Kill him, he told himself. He would kill the suitor in question, then take his daughter home where she belonged. He would insist she not be with anyone who did not love her desperately. Because that was what she deserved. What they all deserved. He could not let them go under any other circumstances.

Didn’t Kayleen deserve the same?

He already knew the answer. He believed it. But if it was true, then shouldn’t he let her go to find such a man?

No!

The roar came from deep within him. He faced his father. “No. She is to have no one but me. I am the one who first claimed her and I will not let her go.”

His father sighed. “We have let go of the old ways. You will not be allowed to claim a bride who is not interested in marrying you.”

I will convince her.”

How?”

By giving her the one thing she wants.”

The king looked doubtful. “Do you know what that is?”

As’ad finally did. “Where is she?”

Mukhtar hesitated. “I am not sure...”

I am. Where is she? I know she has not left the country. Lina told me. Where is she hiding?”

And then he knew that, as well. “Never mind. I’ll find her myself.”

* * *

KAYLEEN DID HER best to smile. The puppy was adorable, as was Pepper as the two of them tumbled together on the rug by the fire. Dana and Nadine were off with the older girls. Despite the sudden change from a palace to a desert camp, the sisters had adjusted well. They thought they were on a fun adventure.

Kayleen wished she could share their excitement and flexibility. While she appreciated that Sharif and Zarina had taken them in, she longed to be back at the palace. While life under the stars offered a level of freedom she’d never experienced before, it was difficult to even breathe without thinking of As’ad.

She ached for him every minute of every day. She knew she had to stay strong and she was determined not to give in to the need to see him, but there were times when the pain overwhelmed her.

Zarina hadn’t asked any questions when Kayleen had shown up with the girls. Instead she’d offered a comfortable tent and acceptance by the villagers. But it was a temporary situation—in a few days the tribe would return to the desert and Kayleen would have to find temporary housing until she could leave El Deharia.

Perhaps in the city somewhere. A small house. Lina had promised it would only take a couple of weeks for her paperwork to be pushed through the legal channels. There were advantages to a royal connection.

Thank goodness As’ad hadn’t been interested in hurrying the adoption. If he had she wouldn’t have been able to leave. Royal children could not be taken from El Deharia without the royal parent’s permission.

She touched her belly and remembered the last time they’d made love. If she was pregnant, she would be trapped forever. Imagine the irony if she at last had the baby she’d long desired.

I will not think of that,” she whispered to herself. “I will stay strong.”

She might not know the future, but she was confident she could handle whatever life threw at her. She’d stood up for what she believed, she’d faced As’ad and turned down the half life he’d offered. She’d been willing to lose everything to gain her heart’s desire. There was some peace in knowing she’d been true to herself. Unfortunately peace did not seem to ease pain.

She stood and walked to the fire, where tea always boiled. After pouring herself a mug she stared up at the clear sky. Only two days until Christmas. They would celebrate out here, under the stars, then return to the city.

She turned back to the tent, only to stop when she saw a man riding toward the camp. For a moment her heart jumped in her chest, but then she realized he wore traditional clothes. One of the young men who came and went, she thought, looking away. Someone’s husband.

Several of the tribespeople called out to each other. Kayleen tried to figure out what they were saying, but they were speaking quickly, yelling and pointing. Was there a problem?

Then she looked back at the man and recognized him. As’ad. But he was unlike she’d ever seen him before. He looked determined, primal. This was no prince in a suit—this was a sheik.

She stood her ground, reminding herself she had nothing to fear. He couldn’t hurt her worse than he had when he’d admitted he didn’t love her and that her love for him was a well-timed convenience. She shook out her long hair, then raised her chin. Pride and determination stiffened her spine. She didn’t move, not even when he rode his horse right up to her.

Their eyes locked. She had no idea what he was thinking. Despite everything, she was happy to see him, happy to drink in the male beauty of his hard features. She wanted to touch him and kiss him and give herself to him. So much for being strong.

I have claimed you,” he told her sternly. “You cannot escape me.”

You can’t hold me against my will. I’m not your prisoner.”

He dismounted and handed the horse off to one of the young boys who had run up. Then he stalked over to her.

You’re right, my heart. I am yours.”

She blinked. What had he called her? And what did he mean that he was her prisoner? What?

He touched her face with his fingertips. “I have missed you. Every second of every day since you left me has been empty and dark.”

She swallowed. “I don’t understand.”

Nor do I. My course was set—the plan clear. I would marry appropriately, father sons, perhaps a daughter or two, serve my people and live my life. It was arranged. It was my destiny. Then one day, I met a woman who leads with her heart, who is fearless and giving and kind and who bewitched me.”

She couldn’t breathe, but that didn’t seem to be such a big deal. This was all good, right? He was saying good things. Maybe, just maybe, she could hope.

Kayleen, I was wrong,” he told her. “Wrong to think I knew so much more, that I was in charge. You swept into my life and nothing was the same. It was better—so much better. I miss you desperately. You and the girls. I need to see you smile every day. All of you. I need to hear your voices, your laughter. You cannot take my daughters from me and you cannot take yourself.”

She ached for him. Giving in seemed the only option. But how could she?

I won’t live in a loveless marriage,” she told him, fighting tears, fighting the need to surrender. “I deserve more.”

Yes, you do. I was wrong to suggest such a thing before. You deserve to be loved, to be worshiped. To be the best part of your husband’s life.”

He took her hands in his and kissed her knuckles, then turned her wrists and kissed her palms.

Let me be that man,” he said quietly. “Let me show you all the ways I love you. Let me prove myself again and again, then, when you are sure, continue to test me.” He stared into her eyes. “I will not fail, my heart. I will never fail. Because I love you. Only you. I did not think it was possible, yet here I stand. Humbled. Needing. In love. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me? To give me another chance?”

Say yes.”

The words were whispered from behind her. She sensed all three of the girls standing there, willing her to give As’ad the second chance he asked for.

Yes,” she whispered, then threw herself into his arms.

He caught her and pulled her close, saying her name over and over, then kissed her and held her as if he would never let her go.

He felt so right, next to her, she thought, nearly bursting with happiness. Then there were more arms and he pulled back only to let the girls into their circle of love.

He picked up Pepper and put his arm around Nadine. Kayleen pulled Dana against her and they held on to each other...a family at last.

I’m so happy,” Kayleen told him.

As am I. Perhaps not as quick a learner as you would like.”

You figured it out.”

Only because you had the strength to leave me. You will always do the right thing, won’t you?”

I’ll try.”

He kissed her again, then frowned. “Why do you cry?”

I’m not.”

She touched her cheek and felt wetness. But it was cold, not warm and wasn’t a tear.

Pepper shrieked. “It’s snowing. As’ad, you brought the snow machine to the desert!”

I did not. There is no way to power it out here.”

Kayleen looked up. Snow fell from a clear sky. Perfect snow. Miracle snow. Christmas snow.

He set Pepper on the ground. She joined her sisters and the other children, running around, trying to catch snowflakes in their hands and on their tongues. As’ad pulled Kayleen close.

You must promise to never leave me again,” he said. “I would not survive it.”

As you will never leave me.”

He laughed. “Where else would I want to be? I have you.”

For always,” she told him.

Yes,” he promised. “For always.”

Love burned hot and bright in his eyes. Love that filled the empty space inside of her and told her she had finally, finally found her way home.

* * * * *