A Christmas Bride

CHAPTER EIGHT

KAYLEEN SPENT THE following morning not sure what to think. Her evening with As’ad played over and over in her mind like a very naughty movie. Every time she remembered him touching her, she felt all squishy inside.

She hadn’t expected to sleep, but after he’d gone back to his room, she’d fallen into her bed and the next thing she knew it was morning. She’d awakened happy and sore and just a little out of sorts. She didn’t regret what had happened, but she certainly felt...different.

As’ad had been so great, she thought as she waved to the girls as they climbed into the Town Car that took them to school each day. He’d been gentle and patient and funny and sexy. He’d been everything she could have imagined a man being. More, she reminded herself. He was better than anything—or anyone—she could have imagined.

And the whole being together thing had been amazing. Who had thought that up? Why hadn’t she understood before? Was this what her Mother Superior had meant about getting out in the world?

Kayleen covered her mouth. She doubted that was exactly what the other woman had meant. Still, she understood now that there were possibilities. Things she’d never known about. Did she want to give up that kind of a relationship forever? Did she want to get married and have a family? Did she—

Good morning, Kayleen. How are you?”

She looked up and saw Lina walking toward her. Kayleen had the sudden thought that the other woman knew. That everyone knew. It had to be obvious, didn’t it? Could they tell? Was her appearance different? Was there something in her eyes?

The crash of guilt was as powerful as it was unexpected. Yes, her night with As’ad had been wonderful and exciting, but what was she thinking, giving herself to a man like that? They weren’t in love. She wasn’t sure she knew what being in love with a man felt like. So she’d just given herself to him? Why? Because he’d made her feel good? Would she give herself to anyone who asked?

Kayleen?” Lina frowned. “What’s wrong? Are you ill?”

I’m fine,” she said, trying to act normal, which was difficult. She suddenly couldn’t remember what normal was.

What happened? You’re flushed. Are you sure you feel all right?”

Kayleen ducked her head. Guilt quickly turned to shame as she realized she was not the person she’d always thought. “I’m not sick. It’s nothing. I just... I can’t... I have to go. Please excuse me.”

She turned and ran, but no matter how fast she went, she couldn’t escape herself.

* * *

AS’AD FINISHED WITH his tie and reached for his jacket. The door to his suite burst open and Lina stepped inside. He raised his eyebrows.

I did not hear you knock,” he said mildly, in too good a mood to mind the intrusion. Last night he had shown Kayleen the possibilities. She would quickly realize that returning to the convent school was not the right path for her. She would want to stay in the world—in his world. All would be well and very shortly she would come and thank him.

Perhaps they could continue to be lovers, he thought absently. He had enjoyed his time in her bed. She had been passionate and responsive. Just thinking about her soft cries made him want her again. They could pleasure each other and—

I can’t believe it,” Lina said, stepping in front of him, her expression stern. “I can’t believe you did it.”

He shrugged into his jacket. “Did what?”

You slept with Kayleen.”

He shrugged. “It is not for you to criticize.”

What?” Her voice was high-pitched and carried a tone that warned him there was danger ahead.

He decided to change tactics. “Kayleen is nearly twenty-five. While it is very kind of you to be concerned about her welfare, she is more than capable of taking care of herself.”

Lina put her hands on her hips. “Are you kidding me? That’s it? That’s all you have to say? As’ad, you are a prince. You defiled a virgin under the king’s roof. You don’t get to escape by telling me she’s an adult and therefore responsible for her decisions.”

Defiled a virgin? Did she have to say it like that? He shifted uncomfortably. “I did not take anything that wasn’t offered.”

Oh, there’s an excuse.”

Lina, you will not speak to me this way.”

Of course I will.” She glared at him, her outrage clear. “As’ad, I am Kayleen’s friend. I brought her into this house. I’m responsible for her.”

You wanted me to marry her.”

I considered it a possibility. I thought you would be a good match. You weren’t supposed to take her virginity. She was raised by nuns. She’s nearly twenty-five and has had what, a dozen dates?”

He refused to feel guilty. He was Prince As’ad and because of that, whatever he chose to do was the right thing. And yet there was a nagging voice in the back of his head that pointed out he hadn’t thought things through.

She planned to return to the convent school,” he told Lina. “She was going to bury herself there.”

So you decided to change that? If you don’t want her, who are you to destroy her life?”

Her life is not destroyed.” He resented the implication. “I honored her.”

Oh, please. It was never for you to decide what she did with her life. It was never for you to judge. You took the one thing she would want to give her husband. Now she can’t go back to the convent school and you’ll have no use for her. Then what? She’s ruined, As’ad, and you did it. Kayleen isn’t the type to take that lightly. She had choices before. You’ve taken them away from her.”

He turned from his aunt and walked to the French doors leading to the balcony. While Lina made things more dramatic than they needed to be, he understood her point.

He’d wanted Kayleen and he’d taken her. It had happened before—dozens of times. Hundreds. Women were always delighted to be with him. But there was a large difference between them and Kayleen. The women he enjoyed were experienced. They understood how the game was played. Kayleen didn’t even know there was a game.

She had given herself eagerly, sensually. She’d enjoyed their lovemaking. He’d opened her eyes to the possibilities, but he had also taken something that couldn’t be returned.

His aunt’s words echoed in his head. That he had defiled a virgin under the roof of the king. There was a time when, prince or not, such an offense would result in his death. Virginity was a prize to be given to a husband. It was a gift of honor. Something she had no more.

He turned back to Lina, intent on explaining, once again, that he’d only had Kayleen’s best interests in mind. That it was important that she not lock herself away and ignore the world. But was that his only motivation?

Had there been some part of him that had wanted to be her first time? Some part of him that had wanted to claim her for himself because he knew he could?

I will marry her,” he said firmly, the words surprising him. He paused, waiting for the sense of being trapped to rise up inside of him. Waiting for the protests he must feel, but there was nothing.

It occurred to him that because he did not plan to love his wife, Kayleen was an excellent choice. As good as any other he could think of. He already liked her. She was spirited and beautiful, he enjoyed her company. She was good with children and had a sharp mind. While she knew nothing of the lifestyle of a royal bride, she would learn quickly. She would provide him with strong sons. And just as important, she was not the type to make unreasonable demands. She would be grateful for his proposal and treat him with respect.

Lina stared at him. “You’ll what?”

I will marry her. I accept my responsibility in what has occurred. Kayleen deserves more than having her gift taken in a thoughtless manner. While she gave herself to me willingly, I do not believe she had thought through the ramifications of our night together.”

That’s why they call it ‘swept away,’” Lina murmured, then nodded slowly. “You are sure?”

I will speak to her this morning. I have a meeting in fifteen minutes, but after that I will explain what has to be done. She is a sensible woman. She will understand the great honor I bestow upon her and be pleased.”

How I wish I could be there for that conversation.”

Why do you say that?” he asked.

His aunt smiled at him. “I would tell you to phrase things differently, but you won’t listen. For what it’s worth, I think you have chosen well, As’ad. I hope things work out the way you want them to.”

They will. I am asking Kayleen to marry me. What more could she want?”

Lina’s smile widened. “I can’t think of a single thing.”

* * *

KAYLEEN RAN AND ran until she found herself outside. The bright, sunny morning seemed to be mocking her as she wandered through the curving paths. How could everything here be so beautiful when she felt so awful inside?

What had she done? How could she have slept with As’ad? A few kisses and she’d given in? What did that make her?

She found a bench and sat down. The stone was warm to her touch, almost as if it were trying to offer comfort. Her eyes burned as she longed for someone to talk to. Someone to advise her. But who? She didn’t feel comfortable discussing something so personal with the other teachers she’d worked with. Especially after moving to the palace. She was too ashamed to call her Mother Superior back home. Normally she would go to Lina, but how to explain to her what she’d done? As’ad was Lina’s nephew.

Besides, Kayleen couldn’t bear to see disappointment in her friend’s eyes.

All the regrets she’d been so happy not to feel seemed to crash in on her. Not regret for what she’d done, but for the consequences, which made her horribly weak. Her regrets were about her future, not her past.

How could she return home now? How could she walk into that place where she’d grown up and had longed to return, knowing she had given in to the first man who asked? It wasn’t that she feared punishment, it was that she didn’t know who she was anymore.

She stood abruptly and started walking. An odd sound caught her attention.

She turned toward it and saw a large cage filled with doves. They were beautiful, so white and lovely in the sunlight. She watched them hop from perch to perch.

Her dream was gone, she thought. Her plans, her hopes. Now she was trapped here. Nanny to the girls until they were too old to need her or until As’ad replaced her. She was at his mercy. And then what? Another job? Where? Doing what?

She didn’t know who she was anymore. What she wanted. What she should do.

Impulsively she leaned toward the cage and opened the door. The doves chirped in excitement, then in a rush, flew out and up, disappearing into the brilliant blue sky.

Fly away,” she whispered. “Fly and be free.”

I do that myself.”

Kayleen jumped and turned toward the speaker. She was stunned to find the king standing on

the path.

Horror swept through her. She’d just set free royal doves.

I... I...”

King Mukhtar smiled kindly. “Don’t worry, child. It’s difficult to resist setting them loose. There is no need for concern. They always return. It is their nature. This is their home. They can’t escape their destiny.”

She knew he meant the words to be reassuring, but they cut through her. Yesterday she had known her own destiny, but today she was less sure. What was her place? Where did she belong? What happened now?

Are you enjoying living at the palace?” the king asked. “You are treated well?”

His question nearly made her laugh. But she was afraid that if she started to laugh, she wouldn’t stop and then she would start crying. Hysterics would lead to a lot of questions she didn’t want to answer.

Everything is lovely,” she said, doing her best to keep her emotions in check. “The palace is beautiful. I’ve been studying the history of the building and of your people. There is a long tradition of bravery in battle.”

The desert runs in our blood. We were warriors long before we were rulers.”

It must be difficult to leave the desert,” she told him. “The beauty, the wildness, the tradition. The nomads live as they always have.”

With few modern conveniences,” he said with a smile. “Much can be endured if one has excellent plumbing.”

She gave a little giggle, which seemed to take a sharp turn at the end. She swallowed the sound. “But to walk in the steps of those who have gone before would be a fair compensation.”

So says the woman who has not experienced desert life. Spend a week with my people and then we will have this conversation again.”

She nodded. “I would like that.”

She spoke the truth. There was something appealing about simplicity right now. About having the rules of one’s life spelled out. Too many choices could be complicated.

If she had never left the convent school in the first place, she wouldn’t have met As’ad and none of this would have happened. Yet was it equally wrong to hide from the world? To take the safe and, therefore, easy road? To never test herself? Is that what she’d been supposed to learn?

I just don’t know,” she said.

The king looked quizzical. “What troubles you, child?”

Nothing.” She felt tears burning in her eyes. “I... I’m sorry. I don’t feel well. Please excuse me.”

She gave a little bow, then hurried away. When she’d taken a turn in the path and knew she was out of sight, she began to run. The only problem was there was nowhere else to go.

* * *

AS’AD WALKED TO Kayleen’s suite, knocked, then entered. He found her in her room, curled up on the bed, sobbing as if her heart was broken.

He stared at her for a moment, feeling both compassion and a sense of certainty that his good news would erase her tears. He allowed himself to anticipate her sweet kisses when he proposed. How she would be so excited and grateful. Perhaps they would make love again. He was more than ready, although he would have to be careful so that he did not hurt her. She was new to the sensual world and too much attention in too short a time would leave her sore.

He walked to the side of the bed. “Kayleen.”

Go away.”

I will not. Sit up. I wish to speak to you.”

No. I don’t want to talk. This isn’t your problem.”

Of course it is. I caused it.”

She continued to cry, which surprised him. She’d seemed fine when he’d left her last night. A woman should not be left alone with her thoughts. It only created trouble.

Kayleen—”

Go away.”

He considered the situation, then sat on the edge of the bed and pulled her upright. She ducked her head, refusing to look at him. He drew her against him.

It is not as bad as all that.”

Of course it is.” Her body shook with the force of her sobs. “I have betrayed everything I believe in. I’m not the person I thought. I gave myself to you without thinking it through. I barely know you. I don’t love you. You’re just some guy. What does that say about me?”

Some guy? He was Prince As’ad of El Deharia. He was royal and a sheik. Women begged him to claim them for just a single night.

I honored you,” he told her curtly.

It wasn’t an honor to me.”

What? He pushed away his annoyance. She was emotional, he told himself. She wasn’t thinking clearly.

Kayleen, we share a connection with the girls. You see me as a friend and someone you can trust. It is natural you would turn to me easily.”

She looked at him, her eyes swollen and red. “It’s not natural to me. I’m supposed to wait until I’m in love and married.”

Sometimes it is difficult to resist the pull of sensual need.”

She hiccuped. “You’re saying I gave in because I wanted to do it and you just happened to be there? That’s supposed to make me feel better?”

Why was she deliberately misunderstanding him? “Not at all,” he said through gritted teeth. “I’m saying that I am an experienced man. I know what to do to awaken that part of a woman.”

So you tricked me? While I appreciate the effort, it’s not working. I have a responsibility in this. I have to deal with what happened, what I did and what it says about me.”

I did not trick you.”

She shifted away and stood. “Whatever. You can go now.”

I am not leaving,” he said as he rose to his feet. “Kayleen, you are missing the point of my visit.”

She wiped her cheeks with her fingers. “What’s the point?”

Not exactly the opening he’d imagined. He cleared his throat. “It occurs to me that you were not in a position to consider the ramifications of what happened to us. You were lost in the moment, not realizing that by giving in to me you were destroying your most precious gift and—”

Fresh tears filled her eyes. “How could you?” she breathed and ran into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

He stared in disbelief. She’d walked away from him?

He followed her to the closed door. “Kayleen, please come out here at once.”

Go away. I have to figure this out and you’re not helping.”

He opened the door and stepped into the bathroom. “You will listen to me. I am here to make this better. I am here to fix your problem.”

She shook her head. “You can’t fix anything. I’ve lost everything I wanted.”

You have lost nothing. You are not a woman to be locked away. You deserve more than that and I am going to give it to you. Think of being married, of having a family to fill your day, children of your own.” He paused to give her a chance to brace herself for the honor he would bestow upon her.

Kayleen, I will marry you.”

He smiled at her, waiting for her tears to dry. Instead more fell. Perhaps she did not understand.

You will be my wife. You will live here, with me. In the palace. I have taken your virginity, therefore I will return your honor to you by marrying you. You will carry my name.”

He waited, but she said nothing. She didn’t even look at him.

All right. I see you are having trouble understanding all this. It is unlikely you ever allowed yourself to dream of such a life. In time you will be able to believe this has truly happened. Until then, you can thank me and accept. That is enough.”

She raised her gaze to stare at him. Something hot and bright burned in her eyes, but it wasn’t happiness or gratitude.

Thank you?” she repeated, her voice high and shrill. “Thank you? I’m not going to thank you. I wouldn’t marry you if you were the last man alive.”

He was so stunned that when she shoved him, he took a step back. The bathroom door slammed shut in his face and he heard the bolt shoot home.