override my answer. With my head screaming at me, if you think he’s cheating
on
you,
Kiera,
then
he
probably
is,
I
quickly
added,
“Maybe…someday.”
As Kellan absorbed my seemingly lukewarm answer, the awkward silence on the line grew even bigger. Hating the tension that was forming in my stomach, I whispered, “I miss you.”
His response came in a rush. “I miss you too. I know we saw each other a couple of weeks ago, but it wasn’t enough, not nearly enough… I really miss you.”
Hearing the melancholy in his voice, I scrunched my brows and bit my lip. “Kellan? You…okay?”
My heart started beating faster as I waited for his answer. Even though he only paused for a few seconds, it seemed like an eternity. “Yeah…just exhausted. I never realized how…taxing this would be. Always on the road, always away from home, always having to deal with…people. I know it’s early for you and you probably want to go back to sleep, but could you stay on the line for a bit? I’m feeling… I just want to listen to you breathe for a while.”
Sympathy for him rushing through me, I wished I could put my arms around him, squeeze him tight…kiss him. “I don’t have anywhere to be but right here with you, Kellan.”
I heard rustling sounds as he exhaled contently. “Good, I love you, Kiera. It seems like forever since I’ve held you, since I’ve made love to you.”
I flushed a little, then remembered it had been a while…Christmas Eve to be exact. “It has been forever, Kellan.” Hoping and praying that my last time had also been Kellan’s last time, I swallowed. In the silence I heard another squeak of a mattress. “Where are you?” I asked, ice prick-ling my skin that maybe he was calling from a hotel room…and not his.
He let out a sensual noise of contentment. “On the bus, in the back bedroom. All the guys are gone, so I snagged Griffin’s bed.” He laughed a little. “I just couldn’t spend another moment in that tiny bunk.” 369
Picturing him somewhere that Griffin did…Griffin-type things in, I grimaced. Then, picturing him sleepily sprawled out on a bed, I smiled.
A rush of desire tingled me and I whispered, “So…you’re alone? Completely alone?”
“Yeah…why?”
Dropping his letter to my bed, I covered my eyes with my hands. God, I could not ask him to be intimate with me over the phone, I just couldn’t. But, we were getting farther and farther apart…I felt it. And maybe a moment of reconnection was exactly what we needed right now.
Flaming hot to the touch in my embarrassment, I squeaked out, “I want to… Will you…?”
As my throat dried up and speech became impossible, Kellan quietly asked, “What, Kiera?”
Keeping my eyes tightly closed, I shifted onto my back and pretended that I was Anna. She’d have no problems asking Griffin to have sex over the phone. Oh, God, I really wished I hadn’t just had that thought. Sighing at myself, I forced the words to come out. “I feel like we’re drifting, Kellan, and I just want to feel closer to you. I—” Kellan cut me off. “I’m sorry, Kiera. I feel like that’s my fault. I just…I…I should… We should talk about… God, this is hard…” My eyes watering, I shook my head. No, I didn’t want him to break my heart right now. I wanted him to make me feel better. I wanted him to make me feel like we were completely in sync, completely in love, and completely devoted to each other. I wanted to feel worshipped again, even if it was just for this one moment.
“No, don’t, Kellan. I don’t want to talk right now. I just want you to make me feel good…”
His end went silent, then, “Kiera, are you asking me to… do you want me to make love to you?”
370
I groaned a little as his words went straight through my body. I knew that I was using sex as a diversion, like he sometimes did. I knew that I was sidestepping our issues, and I also knew if I pushed right now, really pushed, I could probably get him to be honest with me. But…I wasn’t ready to hear his sins. And it had been so long and I missed him…so much. If we could just pretend…
“Yes,” I whispered, my voice husky. “Make me feel it, Kellan…make me feel like your wife…”
“Oh, God, Kiera…I want you so much…”
I ran my hand over my body, over the places he liked to touch. My breath quicker, I whispered, “I don’t know what to do, Kellan.” He groaned in my ear, the sound sending a jolting ache right through me. Keeping my eyes tightly closed, I found that I could easily imagine that my hand was his. Especially with his voice in my ear, guiding me.
“Take your shirt off, baby. I need to run my tongue over those beautiful breasts…”
It was a half an hour later before he finally let me have the explosion my body had been craving. He’d kept me on the edge, tantalizing me by telling me exactly where to go, what to touch. And he always said he was doing it, so I didn’t feel stupid or self conscious. Although, I stopped caring about that about five minutes into it. Really, I stopped caring about that when he started touching himself. And his voice when he came… God, it was still ringing in my ears.
Panting into the phone, it took me a minute to register that he was talking to me. “Hey, you still there?”
He chuckled a little bit and I felt that embarrassment start to slide back in. I pushed it away though. “Yeah, sorry.” I laughed a little too. “I got a little distracted there.”
He purred in my ear—a delicious sound. “Yes, I know. God that was incredible, Kiera…you were incredible.”
371
Not feeling like I’d really done anything special, I murmured, “Are you sure that was okay? That was definitely a first for me…” He sighed and laughed. “Uh, considering I haven’t come that hard on my own in a long time…yeah, that was perfect. And…a first for me, too.”
That startled me so much, I sat up in bed. “You’ve never had phone sex before?”
I flushed at asking him that so bluntly, but he only chuckled at my response. “No…why do you sound so surprised?” I sucked on my lip, remembering the heated words he’d used to stoke my body, remembering him urging me to do whatever felt good. At the time, it had all seemed so natural coming out of his mouth that I’d have believed he got paid professionally to do it. He probably could. I guess being an overly sexual person did have its bright spots.
“Because you were amazing…”
“Amazing, reall—?” He cut off what he’d been about to say and instead swore.
I bunched my brows. “Kellan? Everything alright?” Sounding like he was moving in a hurry, he murmured, “Yeah, it’s just…the guys came back. I have to go…clean up. Sorry.” A flood of heat rushed to my cheeks, picturing what he probably looked like right now. I wrapped the blankets around my bare body, feeling embarrassed at just the thought of being walked in on in that position. “Oh, okay, I love you.”
Chuckling, he told me he loved me too, then hung up the phone. I set it down on my nightstand and stretched out under my covers, remembering him moaning my name. For the time being, I felt completely content and relaxed, and I hoped that it would last.
372
It surprisingly lasted for a while. I felt on cloud nine as I floated throughout my days. Cheyenne noticed it, asking me if it had anything to do with the rose that I was twirling in my fingers during poetry class.
I smiled and nodded at the perky woman. I had no idea how Kellan had managed to pull it off, but every day since our heated moment on the phone, I’d been approached by complete strangers and handed a single red rose. Sometimes it happened here at school, sometimes at work.
Once at Starbucks. It was almost like Kellan wanted to make sure that he didn’t miss me again.
It was only the Wednesday after our phone call, and I already had a vase of fourteen at home. If he kept up at this pace, I’d have to buy more vases. And I’d probably have to move out. My sister was being a bear lately and rolled her eyes at every romantic gesture Kellan made. She’d even snipped that the flowers were making the apartment stink. Really?
How is that even possible?
I tried not to gloat about it, since she seemed pretty irritated at Griffin’s lack of…everything, but I hoped her mood improved soon.
Maybe if it didn’t, I’d go shack up with Denny?
He’d finally found a place to live and it was…impressive. It was a house in a secluded residential area on Queen Anne hill. The places up there were pretty nice, and Denny had an amazing view of the city. My jaw dropped when he’d shown me around.
After class today, I was going to go help him pick out furniture. He had a pretty good eye when it came to decorating, since it sort of went hand-in-hand with marketing, and I think he just invited me along to make sure I was okay.
He hadn’t said anything about my mood improvement since the night I’d cried in his arms, the night he’d found Kellan’s love letter, but Denny watched me like a hawk, waiting for me to breakdown again. I felt bad that I’d caved in front of him, admitted my fears to him, so I think I over-compensated my joyfulness around him, probably making it seem disin-genuous. As a result, he called me a lot and invited me out a lot.
I didn’t mind. I enjoyed spending time with Denny…I always had.
373
As winter quarter was ending, today was the last day of my poetry class. I gave Cheyenne a hug and thanked her for helping me through it.
I was sure I’d never have gotten through the flowery language without her help.
“No problem, Kiera. Maybe for our last quarter, we can still get together and study over coffee?”
Knowing my spring quarter was equally just as challenging as this last one had been, I exhaled with a long sigh. “Yeah, definitely.” As I waved goodbye to the boisterous blonde, she gave me a warm smile. It was an overly warm smile and it made me frown. The smile had seemed…a little too fond.
Waving goodbye to other friends I had made in the class, I hoped that Cheyenne hadn’t taken a liking to me. I wasn’t sure if she was interested in boys or girls, things like that don’t usually come up in candid conversations. Although, when we talked about Kellan, she often mentioned an ex she’d had, years ago in high school. I was pretty sure that had been a guy. At any rate, I didn’t want to hurt yet another person in my life.
But, then again, maybe I was reading too much into it. Cheyenne was friends with just about everybody in the class. And I wasn’t exactly a drop-dead beauty that everybody lusted after. No, that was Kellan…not me.
Laughing at myself, I headed out to the parking area where Denny was picking me up. Knowing we were shopping together today, I’d left Kellan’s “baby” safely parked at my apartment, with firm instructions to my sister for her to not take it for a test drive. Looking sullen and tired, she’d only shrugged and muttered, “Whatever.” Stepping out of his car as I arrived, Denny cocked his head at me.
“What’s so funny?”
Realizing I was still giggling over the idea of yet another person being enamored with me, I shook my head. “Just realizing that I think way too much of myself.”
374
Pursing his lips, Denny shook his head and rolled his eyes. It was an adorable expression and I grinned. “Right, your self-esteem is just…obnoxious.” He gave me his charming, goofy grin. “You should really work on your modesty.”
I smacked his shoulder, laughing as I opened his car door. Sliding into his creamy, luxurious seats, eagerly anticipating the warming sensation of the heater installed in them, I looked over at Denny as he got in his side. He eyed the flower in my hand as he started the car. “That from Kellan?”
He raised a dark eyebrow at me as I set the flower on the dash.
“Yeah,” I said, a little dreamily.
“Everything…all right then?”
Hearing the concern in his question, I looked back at him, his dark eyes now concentrating on the road. “I guess. I mean, we haven’t talked yet, but I feel like we’ve taken a step closer together.” Not looking me, Denny said, “But you haven’t talked yet, so nothing’s really changed.”
I sighed, twisting to look out the window. “No, no I guess it hasn’t. I don’t really want to talk about it though, Denny.” He sighed a little, then softly said, “Okay, Kiera. It’s your relationship, not mine.”
Looking back over at him, I tilted my head. “Speaking of yours…any word on Abby coming over?”
He visibly brightened as he looked back at me. “Yeah, her assignment is wrapping up soon. She thinks she could make it out here by the end of April.”
Denny’s eyes filled with a warmth that I was only used to seeing in reference to me. It hurt a little, seeing it in connection to another woman, but it also made me feel good too, in a strange way. Denny was a part of my life, and I loved him. I wanted him happy and she seemed to make 375