he stopped and shook his head a little. “Well, I guess loved would be more accurate.”
Denny’s face got a little hard on the word and I leaned against the counter and sighed. He may seem completely fine and over what had happened, but he wasn’t, not a hundred percent. I didn’t blame him. Personally, I couldn’t believe he was in my kitchen at all.
Knowing he didn’t want any more apologies from me, I shrugged and said, “No, love is still accurate.” Sipping his drink, he gave me a look that was both curious, and guarded. Clarifying, I said, “You’re my best friend, remember? And best friends love each other.” Setting the drink down, he smiled at me crookedly. “Yeah, I suppose.” Frowning slightly, he shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest.
“So, friend, what’s going on with you?”
Watching my untouched cup cool on the counter, I swallowed my pain and my pride. “How did you know I was cheating on you?” I whispered, my heart surging as the guilt hit me like a brick wall. I’d never wanted to ask him that question, but it was suddenly relevant.
I couldn’t look at him, but I heard his expression in his silence. I could easily picture his contemplative eyes, slightly filled with pain, but also concern. Finally, his accent filled the room, thicker, like it sometimes got when he was hurting. “You think Kellan’s cheating on you?” I glanced up at him, only mildly surprised. My question hadn’t been all that hard to draw conclusions from…and Denny was brilliant. “I don’t know…maybe? How did you know? What did I do to make you first start to think it?”
I swallowed again, hating what I was making him say to me, what I was making him talk about. Swallowing, he looked down at his cup.
“Uh, I don’t know how to answer that, Kiera.” He looked up, his dark eyes a little darker. “It was more a feeling than facts. You were…distant, secretive, like you were holding something back, something you wanted to tell me…but couldn’t.”
362
My eyes watered, catching the similarities. Denny sighed. “He is cheating on you, isn’t he?”
Not able to answer, I only shrugged as a tear dropped to my cheek.
Denny watched it fall, but stayed where he was. “I’m sorry, Kiera. I’m not surprised, but I am sorry.”
I blinked and straightened. “You thought he would cheat on me?” Uncrossing his arms, Denny ran a hand back through his hair. Looking uncomfortable, he sighed. “Look, I know you love him, but I’ve known him a long time, and he’s not…” He looked at the ceiling for a second and closed his eyes. Reopening them, he met my eye again. “I like Kellan, I do, but he’s not cut out for a relationship with one person. That’s never been his style, Kiera. I’m sorry this is happening now, but honestly, I’m more surprised that it didn’t happen sooner.” My jaw dropped as I stared at him. I felt like he’d just punched a hole in my heart. It was one thing to have those fears silently, it was another for one of Kellan’s friends to confirm them. And even though Denny had good reason to make me hate Kellan, playing that sort of mind game wasn’t his style. He wouldn’t have said it, if he didn’t believe it. Of course, Denny didn’t know Kellan as well as I did. Denny only knew a small chunk of Kellan’s past.
Walking over to me, he grabbed my hand. “I’m sorry to have to say that to you, I really am, but you should understand who you’re involved with. And Kellan…doesn’t know how to be faithful, Kiera. He just doesn’t.”
More tears building, I quickly swiped them away. “You don’t know him like I do, Denny. You don’t know what he’s been through, the pain he fights, how much he’s been tortured. You think he just got beat up as a kid, but it’s so much worse than that…”
I shut my mouth, not wanting to spill anymore of Kellan’s secrets, they weren’t mine to spill. Denny bunched his brows at me and frowned. “A bad childhood doesn’t make up for being a…for screwing around on people. You can come from a brutal background and still be a decent person. It doesn’t give you a free pass to hurt people.” 363
I sighed and looked down. “I know…I’m just saying that there’s more to Kellan’s story than you know.”
“Like what?” he whispered.
I looked up at him but shook my head. “It’s not for me to say, I’m sorry.”
Denny nodded, his eyes looking a little sad as he realized just how close Kellan and I really were. “Well then, maybe I’m wrong.” Exhaling, he shook his head. “But if you think he’s cheating on you, Kiera…then he probably is.”
I felt another tear drop down my cheek and Denny brushed it off. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. I nodded and he added, “Did you tell Kellan about me being back in town?”
Sighing, I shook my head and stared over at the card table. A vase full of bright red roses dressed up the space, the week-old bouquet still in its full glory. Kellan’s anniversary present to me. He’d had them delivered to Pete’s, but I hadn’t been feeling well and had gone home early. I hadn’t gotten them until the following night. We’d missed each other on the celebration of our year together, and it felt horribly symbolic.
Denny leaned over to meet my eye. “Why didn’t you tell him? And don’t tell me that it was because you were sparing his feelings. That may be part of it, but what’s the real reason you didn’t tell him?” I stared at Denny, wishing I could just walk away from this painful conversation. Knowing I couldn’t, I shrugged and whispered, “He’s hiding something from me, and if he was going to hide something from me…then I wanted to hide something from him.” A sob escaped me as I admitted that, and Denny wrapped his arms around me, finally. I held him close as my tears of fear and frustration took me over. Hating myself, for feeling what I felt, for admitting it to Denny, I took a brief moment to completely fall apart. Denny only held me, not commenting as he rubbed my back. I could only imagine that he was thanking fate that his new relationship wasn’t so complicated.
364
When I could breathe again, Denny released me and freshened up our tea. Moving to sit on the couch, I told him everything I worried about—the fans, the exotic record rep that could probably pose for all of the major fashion magazines, the weird texts and phone calls that Kellan hid from me, the fact that Kellan knew I was holding something back…and he let it go, because he didn’t want to talk about what he was holding back.
Denny listened, not really commenting on Kellan’s behavior. He also didn’t try to dissuade my fears by giving me false hope. Once he heard all of the facts, he never once told me it was nothing, or it would be okay, or I was overreacting. He only listened and nodded, and I suddenly realized why people gave each other unfounded reassurance. Not hearing,
“It’s probably nothing,” from the person you were divulging your fears to, made those fears seem completely warranted, even if you didn’t have enough proof to back them up.
When I was done, and I had nothing more to say, Denny picked at a seam in the couch, maybe wondering what to say as well. I watched him, feeling empty and tired inside. Then he spotted something and leaned into the ugly, orange sofa. Using both hands, he pried something out of a hole in the fabric, a hole I barely registered anymore.
When he pulled out a piece of paper, my heart stubbornly skipped a beat. It was one last love note from Kellan, a remnant of the game he’d left for me when he first went away, what felt like a lifetime ago now.
Denny opened it while my eyes watered. He read over it for a moment before he handed it to me. In a soft voice, he said, “I think this was meant for you.”
Hands shaking, I reached out for the paper. Blinking away the water forming in my eyes so I could read it, I held my breath.
I hid this one in the hopes that you would find it long after I’m gone. I hope you find this months from now, when I’m still out there, on the road, away from you. I can’t imagine what the time apart has done to us. I’m hoping we’re closer.
I’m hoping we’re more in love than ever. I’m hoping that when I come back, you’ll move in with me. In all honesty, I’m hoping that when I come back you’ll 365
agree to marry me someday. Because that’s what I want, what I dream about.
You, mine, for the rest of my life. I hope you feel the same…because I don’t know what I would do without you. I love you so much. But, if for some reason we’re not closer, if something has gotten between us, please, I’m begging you…don’t give up on me. Stay. Stay with me. Work it out with me. Just don’t leave me…please.
I love you, always, Kellan
366
20
Chapter
Oh My God
After Denny left, I went to bed with that note clutched in my fingers. I knew Kellan had written it back in the fall, before things had shifted between us, but it did comfort me. He’d known, even back then, that something might possibly distance us while he was on the road. He’d known, and begged me in advance not to leave him. And I didn’t want to. I wanted him. I wanted the life he’d mapped out on paper. I just wanted to trust him too.
My phone rang by my bed early the next morning. Still clutching the letter in my slow-to-respond-fingers, I fumbled with the noisy contraption, managing to hit the answer button just before it switched to voicemail.
A warm voice filled my ear. “Happy Anniversary.” I smiled and rolled onto my back, imagining the dark blue eyes that accompanied the voice. “You don’t have to keep telling me that every time you call, Kellan.”
He sighed, the soft sound almost overshadowed by the squeak of a mattress compressing. “I know, but I still feel really bad that I missed it, that I couldn’t fly out to you. A year together is a big deal, and I really wanted to see you…but stuff kept coming up…” I bit my lip. He’d said before that it was things for the new record that had come up. Just when he’d thought he’d get away, the record label would come at him with a new form he had to sign or some amendment to the contract. They also wanted to formally approve every song before they’d consent to having it recorded. Kellan wasn’t thrilled with the fact that a corporation had final say over his music, but making an album 367
was expensive, and the studio had to make sure they were getting the best bang for their buck. Fiscally it made sense, but it also made the process of getting ready to record that much more complicated. Especially since they wanted all of the songs signed off on before the group came out to L.A. in May. That didn’t give Kellan and the guys a whole lot of time.
I understood all of that…but I’d really wanted to spend my anniversary with my boyfriend, not a bottle of Nyquil. “You had good reason, Kellan, I understand. Besides, I was pretty sick anyway, and you did send me flowers.”
I smiled, thinking of them in the other room, but Kellan sighed again.
“Yeah, flowers you didn’t get on time. I’m really sorry about that. I was sure I’d find you at Pete’s on a Saturday night.” Now I sighed. “It’s okay, Kellan, it’s not a big deal.”
“It is to me, Kiera. I’m really sorry it’s turned out this way. I’ll make it up to you…someday…I promise.”
Shifting to my side, I laid my head on my arm. A moment of silence passed between Kellan and I. A moment that began to fill with tension, as I thought of all the blocks there were between us, physical ones and emotional ones. Squeezing my hand holding the paper, I whispered, “I found your letter last night, the one in the couch.” Silence, then a mattress squeaking as he adjusted his position as well.
“Oh…and?”
I heard the uncertainty in his voice, like he thought maybe he’d gone too far, openly admitting that he wanted to marry me. Maybe he thought I didn’t want that for us. Maybe he thought I was still hoping to marry Denny one day, since that had been our unofficial plan. “You really see that future for us?”
“Yeah, I do, Kiera…all the time. Do…do you?”
“Yeah.” Remembering the fears I’d confessed to Denny last night, fears that Denny had solidified in me by his silence, a thought began to 368