The flat is freezing when I get home. At first I think the boiler must be broken but it seems to be fine when I check it. I check the radiators and find that all of them have been turned off – except Alison’s. Unlike the rest of the flat, her room is cosy and warm. It doesn’t take a genius to work out she’s done this on purpose – but why? It’s nothing to do with saving on heating bills as everything is included in our rent. And if she’s trying to screw with me in this pathetic way then why did she insist on us having a chat this evening? Unless she did it before deciding to make peace with me. But I don’t have time to dwell on her strange behaviour: there are more important things to worry about.
I turn all the radiators back on and, wrapping myself in my thickest, longest cardigan, I curl up on the sofa and stare at the picture of Kieren on my phone. He looks happy enough, but that witch’s hand on his shoulder, like a claw, is sending a clear message: she doesn’t care what happens to her son, it’s more important to her that Johnny is out of prison.
Across the room I notice a full bottle of gin on the bookshelf. It’s not mine; I never leave anything in communal places since my USB stick was taken, and I’ve never known Alison to drink. Confused, I decide to question her about it later.
My phone beeps again and this time I’m not so quick to check it, expecting it to be another picture of Kieren, or at least an abusive message from Liv.
But it’s Zach. And he’s telling me he’s outside my flat.
‘What are you doing here?’ I ask, opening the door to him. Under any other circumstances I’d be pleased to see him – no, more than pleased – but not after the way he’s been giving me the cold shoulder since he took me to the police station.
‘Are you alone?’ he says, peering behind me. He seems anxious; I’ve never seen him like this before.
‘Yeah. Why? What’s going on, Zach?’ I check my watch. It’s only ten to six, so there’s at least an hour until Alison gets home for our chat.
Zach stands as still as a rock, both hands thrust into his pockets.
‘Do you want to come in, then?’ I move back to let him through, still not sure why he’s turned up like this.
‘I shouldn’t be here, I really shouldn’t. But I had to come. To… you know… check you’re okay.’
‘Then bloody come in, won’t you?’ I grab his arm and pull him inside. And once again we are no longer lecturer and student, but two people who like each other, despite the circumstances we’re in.
He laughs and frees his hands from his pockets. ‘I feel sorry for the man you end up marrying,’ he says. But there is sadness in his smile.
‘Why are you here, Zach? You’ve made it clear you don’t want anything to do with me—’
‘Of course I do. You’re my student, Josie, and that comes first. Above any personal issues I might be struggling with.’
I keep hold of his arm and lead him to the sofa. ‘Zach, you’ve got to stop talking in riddles. Tell me exactly what you mean.’
He sits down and shakes his head. ‘I don’t know, Josie. But I couldn’t let you down. You needed me earlier and I turned my back on you. I’m sorry for that, it was inexcusable. None of this is your fault. You can’t help… being you.’
‘There you go again with those bloody riddles! Please, just stop. Start talking straight. I’m a big girl, I can handle it.’
He buries his head in his hands. ‘I love my wife, Josie. I really do love her. She’s this amazing, selfless woman who is just there for everyone and anyone. I really can’t fault her. I mean, she’s a huge perfectionist and it’s a bit infuriating at times, but that’s a small thing to live with. And she’s a great mum to Freya. And Freya, well, she’s just this amazing little thing that we both created. Yeah, sure, she’s hard work, but I’ve said it before: there’s no such thing as perfection.’
It should be hard for me to hear all this, but somehow it’s not. It’s giving me a glimpse of the private Zach. The man he doesn’t want me to see. And it’s hard to feel resentment when I know his wife came before me. Plus, there’s a reason he’s here with me now, and I can’t help but feel excited by that. By him just being in my flat.
I sit on the floor and lean against the sofa. Once again the gin bottle catches my eye, but I ignore it. ‘It sounds like you’re really happy, Zach, so I don’t understand why you seem so… I don’t know. So something.’
‘Ha, look at us! We’re both writers and neither of us can find the word to sum me up.’ Zach sinks to the floor so we’re side by side. ‘Sometimes when you say things out loud it brings them to life and makes them real. Things you’ve kept in your head. I mean, they’re safe in your head, they can’t hurt anyone, but once you’ve said them, well, that’s it. Chaos. Destruction. People get hurt.’
I feel sorry for him in this moment. He was right when he said that I am free in a way he can never be. ‘How about if I say it? Then you don’t have to agree or disagree or anything, it’s just out there.’
He stares at me, obviously finding it hard to claim responsibility for any of this. But I continue anyway because it needs to be said, and it doesn’t matter who says it. ‘You’ve got feelings for me. And you’re a bit disgusted with yourself. You’re a decent man and you don’t ever want to cheat on your wife. But it’s tearing you up a bit and I just won’t go away. Even though you avoid me as much as possible, I’m still in your head and I’m not shifting. Am I right?’
Zach doesn’t respond, of course he doesn’t, but sadness darkens his eyes. He reaches over and takes my hand, giving it a brief squeeze before quickly letting go. ‘So what’s going on with your brother? I think you should tell me all about it.’
By the time I’ve finished, we’ve managed to move on from the conversation we had only moments ago – or at least we’re both pretending we have. ‘Do you really think she’d harm your brother?’ Zach says.
I tell him that he’d only have to meet Liv for a few minutes to know there’s evil inside her.
‘Can you call social services?’
‘They already know about her. Which is probably why she’s been on her best behaviour lately. But they can’t watch her all the time, can they? Anything could happen. She’ll just wait until they lose interest in her.’
Zach takes my hand but quickly drops it again. ‘I’m sorry,’ he says, looking away.
There’s no point making a big deal of his subconscious gesture. ‘You’re probably wondering why she would seem to be okay with Kieren when she couldn’t stand the sight of me.’
Zach turns to me again, probably grateful I’ve not mentioned what just happened. ‘Nothing in life surprises me,’ he says. ‘There are no limits to what people are capable of.’
‘She had Kieren when she was older, more prepared for a baby perhaps. And he’s a boy. I don’t know, but I think that’s the key thing. She can’t be jealous of him for being younger, or smarter, or prettier. And she can’t feel that he’s ruined her life when according to her, I’d already done that.’
‘Josie, you’ve told me before you don’t know who your father was, but what about Kieren’s?’
‘Liv was actually seeing him for a while. He seemed okay at first and was all right to me. And when Kieren was first born he seemed happy to be a father. But then he left, like they all did when they realised what she was like, and he never once tried to see Kieren. Not then anyway, and I don’t think he has in the last few years either. I heard he went to live in Spain, but I don’t know how true that is. Other than my old neighbour, I’m just not connected to anyone in Brighton any more, thank God. Except for Kieren. And I can’t leave him with her, Zach, I just can’t.’
‘Josie, you’ve got to be careful. Let’s both have a think about this and see what we can come up with. There’s got to be an answer.’
I don’t tell him that I’ve done little else but think about it and so far have come up with nothing. ‘Thanks, Zach,’ I say instead. ‘I know you’re putting a lot on the line to help me.’
‘I haven’t done anything wrong, Josie.’
But it sounds as though he’s trying to convince himself of that.
‘But we’re kind of involved on a personal level now, aren’t we? Isn’t that frowned upon by the uni?’
‘Yes, probably. I can’t say now that I’m just helping you with academic issues. That’s one thing, but this… I don’t know what this is. All I know is I can’t turn my back on you.’
‘You shouldn’t risk your job for me.’