‘Well, I suppose it doesn’t matter why we disliked each other, just that we did. So I’d moved out weeks before the night she… whatever happened to her, but I’d kept a front-door key. I’d had a spare one cut for my parents, for emergencies, and forgotten to give it back to the landlady.’ She pauses, as if waiting for some admonishment, but keeping a door key is the least of my concerns.
When I don’t respond she continues, ‘It’s just coincidence, but that night I let myself into the flat. I’d lost a bracelet my mum had got me and I wanted to check the flat to see if I could find it. I was sure it was in there somewhere. I was planning to knock on the door and ask Josie if she’d seen it, but when I got there I saw her running off in the other direction, so I knew it was safe for me to let myself into the flat.’ She stops talking and looks at me. ‘I’m not proud of myself for any of this. But I was young and a bit… na?ve, probably.’
This is not the word I’d use, but again, none of that matters.
Alison tilts her head to the side. ‘You don’t believe me, do you, Mia? But I swear it’s the truth.’
None of what she says sounds genuine, but I can’t tell her that. I need her to keep talking. ‘What did you do next?’
‘I let myself in. And got a huge shock when I walked into the front room and saw Zach there.’
My stomach flips. ‘What… what was he doing?’
‘He was just sitting on the sofa, leaning forward with his head buried in his hands, as if he was in pain. I can still picture him. I didn’t recognise him until he looked up, but then I realised he was a lecturer from uni. I didn’t know him but I’d seen him around quite a bit.’
It’s a struggle to force the words out. ‘Why didn’t you tell the police this, Alison?’
She lowers her head and stares at her feet. The boots she’s wearing are more suited to winter than this summer we’re having. ‘I’m not proud of myself, Mia. I know now that I should have gone to them and told them everything, but don’t you see the predicament I was in? I couldn’t let anyone know I was there and get caught up in the investigation. The police would have found out I hated her and then what? I’d have been a suspect. And I couldn’t prove where I’d been that evening, as I was just alone in my flat. They would have hounded me non-stop.’
Like they did to me, as the wife of a man who became involved with one of his students, a man who took someone’s life and then ended his own when he couldn’t face the consequences of what he’d done.
‘But they already had their suspect,’ I say. ‘My husband.’
She shakes her head. ‘But there was no real proof that he did it, was there? Other than him being in her flat. And he wasn’t alive to tell them I was innocent, that I was long gone before anything happened. With Zach dead, the police were looking for another suspect, and they would have pounced on me, rightly or wrongly. At least then another crime wouldn’t go unsolved.’
‘Alison, that’s a bit cynical, isn’t it? The police only want to see the guilty punished. I think you’re being paranoid.’ Dominic’s words flash into my head – how Alison has rarely made sense, rarely been okay since he’s known her. Was he telling the truth after all? ‘Anyway, without a body it would never have got as far as going to trial. Even for Zach, if he’d lived.’
‘That didn’t stop them accusing him, though. As far as the media and the public are concerned, he’s guilty. I was too scared to let that happen to me. Even if I wasn’t sent to prison for something I didn’t do, how would I have got a good job?’ She pauses. ‘As it turns out, I ended up working in temporary admin jobs. What a waste of three years. But like I said, I was terrified. That’s why I kept quiet. Until now.’
‘At least you would have had a voice to defend yourself. Zach never got the chance, Alison. He’s gone to his grave guilty, whether or not he actually is.’ It’s ironic that, despite everything, I still defend Zach in this way. I wish he’d had a chance to explain.
‘So you don’t believe he did it?’ Alison says. ‘That’s good. So you must believe me that he also didn’t kill himself.’
‘The truth is, Alison, I stopped knowing what to believe long ago. At first I couldn’t get my head around how Zach could have done that, but then I never would have believed him capable of getting involved with one of his students. I had to face the fact that I didn’t know my husband at all. But you still haven’t told me how you’ve drawn this conclusion about his suicide.’ I don’t know how I’m remaining so calm, despite it feeling as though the walls are crumbling down around me.
‘I’m getting to that. So, like I said, he was there on the sofa. He looked pretty upset. I couldn’t say anything at first as I was so shocked to find him there, but then he said hello and asked me if I was a friend of Josie’s. He was so polite, even in that bizarre situation. And when I explained who I was, and what I was doing, he just told me sometimes we find ourselves in weird situations, but we have to take a step back and question what we’re doing so we can get ourselves out. Something like that. I can’t remember his exact words but it was along those lines. I don’t even know why he said all that when I was just looking for my bracelet, but maybe Josie had already told him how much she hated me.’
I almost smile now because this sounds exactly like something Zach would say. He was always philosophising, always analysing everything. Alison must be telling the truth, at least about seeing Zach, otherwise how could she be able to give him words that are so accurate? I ask her what else he said.
‘He said he knew he probably shouldn’t be in the flat but he was only there to help Josie. She was having some troubles and he was worried about her. Really worried about her. I must have looked sceptical because he pulled out his phone and showed me a picture of you and your little baby girl. He said he would never do anything to hurt either of you.’
Tears are rolling down my cheeks now but I can’t stop them.
Although Alison must notice, she carries on. ‘Until that point I thought maybe he was protesting too much, and that maybe there was something weird going on between them, but do you know what? As soon as he mentioned you I believed him, even though I didn’t trust Josie. There was no way he could fake the shine in his eyes as he looked at your photo.’
But that doesn’t mean he was innocent. It just means that somehow, in the midst of it all, he still loved me.
Alison, unaware of the conflict within me, continues. ‘I asked him where Josie was and he said she’d be back in a minute. I almost mentioned that I’d seen her staggering off, but for some reason I didn’t. Now, obviously, I wish so badly I’d asked him, but, well, it’s too late now.’
‘So what happened next?’ I say.
‘I didn’t want Josie to come back and find me so I told Zach I was leaving. He promised not to mention I’d been there if I’d do the same about him. Now why would he do that if he was planning to kill himself in that flat? It wouldn’t have mattered who I told then, would it? That just doesn’t add up, does it?’
Alison is right: if everything she’s telling me is true then it does suggest Zach didn’t take his own life. I feel another panic attack coming on, and this time I can’t suppress it.
Immediately, Alison notices. ‘Mia, can I get you something? I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry.’ She rushes to the corner where I keep the drinks and pours me a glass of water. ‘Here, have this.’
I sip it gratefully and wait for the attack to pass. ‘I’m okay,’ I say eventually, once I’m in control of my breathing again. ‘I just… have a condition. This happens quite a lot. I’m fine, though.’
She reaches out her arm and takes my hand. ‘Has this been happening since Zach died?’
There is no way I should answer her question; it’s too personal and I can’t let this woman, about whom I know nothing and cannot trust, into my life in this way. But somehow I’m nodding.
‘That’s understandable, after everything you’ve been through.’
I’m relieved that she doesn’t question me further. She’s respecting a boundary; this is not a sign of diminished mental capacity. Once again, I don’t know what to believe.