‘Don’t worry about it. Anyway, I might have that, but I’m not really free, am I? And actually, if you really think about it, none of us truly are. Doesn’t true freedom mean having no desires? Not wanting anything other than what we need to live?’
He laughs. ‘You’re right, Josie. And that’s exactly why you need to keep writing, keep creating. Don’t bottle up what you’ve got in your head.’
My cheeks heat up and I know I must be turning red but luckily we are approaching the police station so I try to focus on the task ahead.
Zach pulls into the only free parking space and turns off the engine. ‘Right, are you ready?’
‘Look, you need to go, Zach. Home or wherever. I’ll be fine.’
He turns around and points to the laptop sitting on the back seat. ‘I’m sure you will be but I’ve got writing to do. And after philosophising with you all the way here, I’m getting in the zone now, so off you go. Don’t put this off any longer, Josie. And one more thing – just ignore what I’ve said. I have no right to complain about my life, I truly am blessed.’
As I walk away from the car and light a cigarette, guilt consumes me. This kind man, who I’m growing more attached to every day, shouldn’t be here with me. He should be at home with his wife and daughter, giving them every second of his time that he’s not working or writing.
But as I turn around, ready to tap on his window and tell him to leave again, I see he is already focused on his laptop, and I can’t bring myself to disturb him. Perhaps he needs this time alone. After all, he wouldn’t be here if he didn’t want to.
But why is he choosing to spend his time with you – his student, and a messed-up one at that – instead of his family? Ask yourself that question, Josie.
I ignore the voice in my head. I find it hard to even think of him as my lecturer now; it feels as though we’ve crossed a barrier somehow. Not physically, of course, but there is something emotional between us.
* * *
It’s harder than I thought it would be, being inside this police station. Although my previous statements were taken in the hospital, the atmosphere here is a stark reminder of what happened. But I get through it, grateful that the woman interviewing me has a kind voice and soft eyes that seem to smile even when her mouth is a straight line.
‘We’ll be looking into this immediately,’ she assures me. ‘I can’t make you any promises – with no evidence of anything, and no bruising on you this time, it will be very difficult to prove anything, even if you could identify the man. We’ll check CCTV around that area, but it sounds like he planned this carefully so I’m expecting him to have avoided all cameras.’
‘I’m sure he was Johnny’s cousin,’ I say. ‘There was too much of a resemblance for them to not be related.’
‘But you do understand that we can’t just start accusing all his family members of threatening you, can we? We can see if any of them are known to us but then how many cousins does your attacker even have?’
I admit that I don’t know, but it’s likely there are several as he comes from a big family. Although I never met any of them, I know he has three sisters and Liv was always going on about how large his extended family is. Nobody ever fucks with them, Josie, just you remember that.
The police officer is right: this is hopeless. Coming here is beginning to feel like a mistake. ‘It will be bad enough that I haven’t withdrawn my statement about Johnny,’ I tell her, ‘but when this man finds out I came to the police about him too, surely that will make things worse? There’s no way he was bluffing about carrying out his threat.’
‘Believe me, you’ve done exactly the right thing. Now, just be careful. No going out alone at night, just be sensible. And call us if anything else happens. But don’t leave it so long next time.’
‘I don’t have a choice but to just be careful, do I? It’s not as if you can offer me protection.’
She shakes her head. ‘Sadly, no. But here’s my card. Call me any time.’
Taking the card, I thank her and leave, grateful to be heading back outside, even though it scares me that nothing has been resolved. There is nothing to protect me and, as usual, the only person I can rely on is myself.
It’s cold out here, although the sun is so bright I have to squint to find Zach’s car. But it’s not in the same place I remember him parking, the only one that was free, by the entrance. Instead, there is a silver Golf parked there, the driver sitting inside, talking on his phone.
Puzzled, I shade my eyes and scan the car park, but there is no sign of Zach’s car. Wondering if he had to move it or leave to get something, I text him.
Finished now. Just wondering where you are?
After another scan of the car park, I sit on the police station steps and wait for a reply. But almost half an hour later I still haven’t heard from Zach.
* * *
‘We need to talk.’ Alison’s voice is firmer than I’ve ever heard it, as if she’s been practising, waiting for me to get home so she can try out what she’s rehearsed.
‘Can it wait? I’ve just done a shift at work and I’m knackered. I need to get something to eat and I’m really not in the mood for an argument.’ But more than that, I’m confused that I still haven’t heard back from Zach. Perhaps I typed in his number incorrectly when he gave it to me, but that doesn’t explain why he disappeared.
Why would he leave without a word? Especially when he knew I didn’t want to report that man in the first place. But I won’t text him again. He will contact me if he really wants to. And it’s been hours now, so if there had been an emergency I’m sure he could have found a way to let me know.
‘No, it can’t,’ Alison says. ‘Don’t you think it’s waited long enough?’ Her words are tough but her voice is less confident now. Her arms are folded across her body and I notice she’s already wearing her pyjamas, even though it’s barely 8 p.m.
‘I don’t even know what you’re talking about, but if this is about Aaron then I’ve said my piece. I told you what happened and if you don’t believe me there’s nothing I can do about that.’ I walk towards the fridge but don’t bother opening it. Not when Alison is right there, watching everything I do.
She takes a step back so she’s almost leaning against the kitchen door. ‘I know girls like you, Josie. I’ve met plenty of you. You think you’ve got it made, don’t you? That the world owes you and you can have anything you want.’ She snorts. ‘You think that you can use men to get your own way, but that doesn’t work with women, Josie. Unfortunately for you.’
Even more than her freaky words, it’s creeping me out the way she keeps saying my name. Every sentence she speaks blurs into the next because she couldn’t have got me more wrong. I am not the person she’s describing. ‘What are you talking about? I’m really not in the mood for this.’
‘Sooner or later it will all catch up with you, Josie.’
‘Oh, for Christ’s sake, Alison, I don’t have to listen to this! Look, if you hate me so much then why don’t you just move out? That will be the best thing for both of us.’
‘Don’t you think I’ve tried? That I’d be out of here in a second if I could? But there’s nowhere else at the moment and I’m not uprooting myself in the middle of term. Anyway, why should you get your own way? You’d love for me to move out so that I’m out of your hair – I’m just the annoying weird girl you can’t relate to. Well, tough! I’m not going anywhere for now.’
I could mention my deleted assignment now, tell her I know it was her, but I won’t give her the satisfaction. Much better to let her think she deleted something that wasn’t important. That I still haven’t even noticed.
‘Good for you,’ I say. ‘Now can I have some dinner in peace?’
‘You want peace, Josie? Good luck with that!’ She storms out, slamming the kitchen door behind her.