He nods. ‘Hmmm. I’m guessing that was hard for you to say.’
When I first met Will I couldn’t bring myself to tell him exactly what had happened. I didn’t lie to him, but told him it was too difficult to talk about, and that I’d appreciate it if he didn’t push me. I didn’t know if he’d heard anything, from other people or from social media.
Will’s sister was a teacher at Freya’s school so I had no doubt people were gossiping about it when Freya first started, even though it was three years later at that point. So the more time went on, the more I realised I didn’t want his mind filled with anyone’s version of events but mine.
Of course I thought about moving, before Freya started school – that would have been the easier option – but I refused to be chased out of my home.
We were on our first date when I broached the subject with Will. I’d reluctantly agreed to have a coffee with him after brushing him off a few times – he’d never given up and had taken to giving his sister lifts to school, which she didn’t need or particularly want, just so he’d have an excuse to see me. He took my hand and told me he didn’t listen to other people and had no opinion about it either way. ‘I wasn’t there,’ he said, ‘so I’m not going to judge.’ But he added that when I was ready to talk about it, he would listen with an open mind.
And he was true to his word. ‘Life deals us horrendous blows sometimes,’ he’d said, ‘but never let it define you, Mia. Whatever Zach did had nothing to do with you.’
So now, as painful memories once again stir within me, I realise how blessed I am to have Will, and the second chance at life he has given me.
‘Do you know what makes all this harder?’ I say. ‘The fact they never found her body. It’s like there’s a permanent question mark hanging over me and Freya, and I just want it gone.’
‘I know this is hard to hear, but sometimes people are never found, even though everything points to them no longer being alive. Even if they do find her, it could be years before that happens, it might not even be in our lifetime.’
I don’t know if finding Josie Carpenter would be better or worse than how it already is, but at least the ghost of her would no longer haunt me – I could lay all this to rest.
Will grabs my hand. ‘Listen, I know this probably isn’t the best time… Actually, it’s the worst possible time, but I need to ask you something – again – and I need you to at least consider it. I love you and Freya – you know that, don’t you?’
I nod, already knowing where this conversation will go.
‘You both make me so happy, and I can’t… actually I don’t want to be without you.’ He must notice the panic on my face, and he smiles and squeezes my shoulder. ‘Don’t worry, Mia, I’m not proposing. But I am asking you again. Officially. Will you think about us living together?’
So many times he’s asked me this, but never quite in this way. And he’s right, his timing couldn’t be worse, but as I look at his face, full of hope, I know there is only one answer I can give. Maybe, after all, fate has him asking me right now for a reason. To show me everything will be okay.
I lift his hand and kiss it. ‘Yes, let’s do it. But I don’t think we should live here. It just wouldn’t feel right. Let’s buy somewhere new together, have a fresh start. It will be good for Freya too, especially after what she said today.’
Will grabs me and pulls me into him, letting out a huge cheer and punching the air. ‘Do you know how happy you’ve just made me? In fact, don’t answer that, let me just show you.’
And I let him, because I need to cleanse Zach away and focus on Will. On the future. And I won’t let Alison or Dominic or anyone else ruin it for us.
* * *
Later, when Will has snuck to the spare room and I’m beginning to drift off, my phone pings with an email alert. Something in my gut warns me not to check, but my hand still reaches for it. I need to stop being paranoid; it’s probably just junk mail, like it always seems to be at this time of night. I squint at the screen until the words come into focus.
I need to make another appointment to see you. It’s urgent. Please. I can come any time tomorrow.
It’s from Alison Cummings.
Chapter Fourteen
Josie
* * *
‘I don’t think I should come in with you when we get there,’ Zach says. ‘But I’ll wait in the car park for you. And you’ve got my mobile number now, so you can just text if you need me.’
We’re on our way to the police station and it’s taken him days to convince me to go. Even though I would have come on my own, it’s nice that he’s here with me. But I’ve spent my whole life not depending on anyone so I won’t allow myself to need him now.
‘What if I’m in there for hours?’ I say. This is more than likely; there’s a lot of ground to cover. ‘You should probably go, I’ll be fine.’ And I will – I always am. ‘Anyway, don’t you need to be at home? It’s Saturday. Surely that’s a family day?’
He lets out a heavy sigh. ‘Unfortunately my work and the book mean there’s not really such a thing as a family day. Anyway, Mia’s taking Freya out this morning, so no, I don’t need to be there. She’s got it covered, she always has.’ He sighs again. ‘I actually don’t know how she does it. Leave me alone with Freya for five minutes and I’m pulling my hair out, wondering what I’m supposed to do, why she won’t stop moaning or crying.’
Although I hate to think of Zach in distress at all, I feel a tiny flutter at hearing that his family life might not be so perfect. Shit, I must be a horrible person. ‘Well, obviously I don’t have my own yet, but I pretty much did everything for Kieren when he was a baby so I know how hard it is. At least, it is when you’re trying to be a good parent.’ Of course, Liv didn’t care. Kieren could be wailing his head off for hours and she wouldn’t bat an eyelid, wouldn’t even attempt to find out what he needed. It was always up to me to take care of him. But I never minded – I would die for that little boy.
‘It’s just effortless to Mia,’ Zach continues. ‘But for me… well, let’s just say I’m struggling a bit.’
Even though I’m grateful he is opening up to me, I hate to think of him going through any kind of shit. ‘I’m sure she appreciates that you’re trying,’ I say.
‘Oh, she does. Mia’s always telling me what a great job I’m doing, and that she couldn’t manage without me, but it’s not true because she totally would. Anyway, she never sees me struggling – I don’t want her to worry.’ He turns to me. ‘Sorry, I shouldn’t be going on about my crap when you’re about to walk in there.’ He gestures to the police station. ‘Sorry, Josie.’
I brush off his apology. ‘Remember what you said to me a while ago – you more or less said that we’re human beings and not meant to be perfect, so stop being so hard on yourself. Whatever you’re feeling now, it will pass. Trust me, I know.’
He stares at me for too long and my insides burn. It’s a painful feeling, but nice too. ‘You’ve got a wise head on your young shoulders,’ he says eventually. ‘You know, I actually kind of envy you in a way.’
‘What? Are you kidding me?’ I almost choke on my words. ‘You envy me?’
‘Hey, I said “almost”, remember? Anyway, maybe envy’s the wrong word. I just mean that you have a freedom I can only dream of. I had it once, of course, when I was younger, but I didn’t appreciate it then. Took it for granted, like most people do. Don’t get me wrong, I know what you’ve been through, and it was horrendous, I’m just talking about the freedom to wake up in the morning and do what you like. To go where you like, whenever you want.’ He pauses. ‘Oh, Josie, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that – it was insensitive of me. I’m sorry.’