But now I don’t want to talk about me. I want to hear all his thoughts, soak up every part of him I can. But there’s no way I’ll tell him this. Instead, I say, ‘Actually, things aren’t too good. That’s why I’m here. I was wondering if your offer still stands of listening to me if I ever needed to talk?’
He smiles. ‘Of course, I meant what I said. Tell you what, though, shall we get out of here? I could do with some air. Freezing-cold air, but at least it’s fresher than in here.’
‘Sounds good.’
‘Great. Just give me a few minutes – I need to quickly speak to someone – but how about meeting me in the park in ten minutes? I’ll find you there.’
* * *
Zach was right about it being freezing, and my short biker jacket is no barrier against the wind. I’m in desperate need of a new coat but I need all the money I can get right now. I can just about manage to pay my rent and keep my car running, but I’ve also got to be able to provide for Kieren if anything happens before I graduate. I can’t believe for one second that Liv has changed and is actually looking after my brother properly, so I need to be prepared for anything. What happened the other night with that man threatening me has made me realise this more than ever.
I wait for Zach on a bench by the lake, watching people as they walk past. Most of them are mothers with kids – something I can’t ever imagine being – and I wonder what’s behind their smiles and aura of normality, because we’re never just what we seem on the outside. Anyone passing me would think I’m a typical student. If only they knew.
A hand taps my shoulder and I flinch.
‘Whoa, sorry!’ Zach says, holding up his hands. ‘Didn’t mean to scare you.’ His smile fades. ‘Josie, what’s wrong?’
I shake my head. ‘I’m not okay, Zach. And I don’t know what to do.’
And that’s when I tell him, avoiding his eyes most of the time because I can’t bear to see his reaction.
* * *
When I was eighteen my so-called mother’s boyfriend attacked me and left me for dead. With his fists. With a knife. With anything he could get his hands on. He never liked me. Said I was too mouthy and didn’t know my place. He also said I should never have been born, which was pretty much what my mum had been telling me my whole life.
Liv’s probably right about that. She had no business having a child. She was sixteen, a kid herself, but that excuses nothing. My grandmother – an angel before she died – helped her out whenever she could and plenty of teenagers don’t have that support and still make a good go of parenting. But not Liv Carpenter. No, she gave birth to me and then treated me as though I had ruined her life with my mere existence. I was stopping her doing anything, meeting anyone decent, having a job. Partying. So she decided I would suffer for it.
As a young child, half the time she starved me, refusing to give me any food but eating her own dinner right in front of me. If anyone ever asked why I was so skinny, she would tell them I refused to eat, that she was doing everything she could to help me but I just wouldn’t open my mouth. And they believed her – because what kind of person would starve their child? That kind of thing only happened on TV, didn’t it?
She wouldn’t bath me for endless days and I’d smell so bad it used to make me feel sick. Once I snuck into the bathroom and tried to fill my own bath, but I didn’t realise I had to put the plug in and the water just kept disappearing. She came in and found me. Shame you didn’t get it right and accidentally drown yourself. Those were her exact words. I must have only been about three or four.
There are tears in my eyes as I recall this and I look at Zach and see his disbelief and shock. He is a parent himself so probably can’t imagine the horrors I’m describing, can’t believe that anyone could behave this way to their own child. To any child.
I can tell he has a thousand questions he wants to ask but doesn’t quite know where to start. ‘Where was your—’
‘My dad? Ha, she didn’t even know who my father was! Sixteen years old and sleeping with so many men she couldn’t work out who it was. I tried asking her who she thought it could be when I was old enough to understand, but her reply was always the same. She’d just say “Who cares?” and laugh in my face.’
Zach shakes his head. ‘My God, Josie. I don’t know what to say.’
But at least he’s not looking at me as though I’m a victim – I couldn’t handle that. I’m here, despite my childhood, despite everything, so I don’t need sympathy.
He urges me to carry on but I warn him it only gets worse.
I explain that Liv met Johnny when I was around sixteen and things got much worse for me then. She’d had boyfriends before, some of them even lived with us, but none of them had paid me any attention. I kept out of their way and they kept out of mine, so there weren’t many problems. I’d long ago stopped needing a mother and had taught myself how to pretty much do everything I needed to do to survive. But Liv hated that. She didn’t want me to be self-sufficient, because then she couldn’t mentally torture me.
But Johnny was different. I don’t know why, but he despised me from the second he saw me. It couldn’t have been because he hated her having a child – Kieren was a baby, so if Johnny had just hated kids then he would have resented my brother too. More, probably, because Kieren still needed a lot of attention. At least I kept out of Johnny’s way. Or I tried to, at least. So all I can think of is that Liv must have told him how I’d ruined her life, that she’d had big plans before she got pregnant with me and now she was stuck, jobless and sponging off the government.
Johnny took every opportunity to make my life miserable. I think he saw how she treated me and knew he could do the same, and the worst thing was that she stood by and enjoyed what he was doing. We fought a lot because I couldn’t just sit back and take his verbal abuse. I had to fight back.
One day, in the summer when I’d just turned eighteen, Liv had some friends round and everyone was in the back garden. I don’t know how I was allowed out there, or even why I wanted to be, but somehow I was. I can’t even remember what it was about now, but Johnny and I ended up in a huge row that ended with me spitting in his face. Not just a tiny fleck of saliva, more like a spray that ended up in his eyes, his mouth, all over him. Everyone saw it and the whole garden was suddenly silent. The weird thing was, Johnny didn’t say a thing. He just wiped it off and calmly carried on drinking his beer. I took that as my chance to run.
Blinking back tears, I have to pause for breath. Telling Zach what came next will be like reliving the nightmare. Since giving my statement to the police, I’ve not had to speak these words again. I buried them somewhere they couldn’t find a way out.
As soon as I begin to speak, the memory hits me like a punch in the gut. I’d just finished my last A-level exam and I was on a high. I knew I probably hadn’t done that well, but hoped it was enough to get me to university. I’d managed to convince a friend to let me stay with her for a few weeks while I found a job and looked for my own place, so I couldn’t wait to get back to Liv’s and pack up all my stuff.
The house was empty when I got there and I was relieved. Part of me was scared she’d try to stop me, even though she’d wanted me gone, or dead, since the minute I was born. But to Liv, me leaving home meant that I was going to have that life she never would, and I worried she would do anything to make sure that didn’t happen.
I was so engrossed in shoving all my belongings – not much more than a few clothes, and definitely no childhood mementos – into a bag that I didn’t hear him come in, but suddenly he was standing in my room, his mouth twisted into an evil grimace.
I’ve never been so scared in my life. And I never will be again. Because once you’ve known – and survived – fear like that, you can handle anything.