‘Thanks,’ I say, but he’s already disappeared.
As I walk towards her, the first thing I notice is how different Elaine Bradford is from Alison. Not everyone has a type – Zach and Will couldn’t be more different in looks – but the woman before me is so much more together, so much more confident than Alison. I can tell this within two seconds.
She smiles at me. ‘Hi, how can I help you?’ she says. Then she frowns. ‘Don’t I know you?’
It’s impossible. I’ve never seen her before and she wasn’t with Dominic at the funeral, so there’s no way, unless of course…
‘No, that’s it – you’re Zach Hamilton’s wife. Sorry, I recognise you from the Internet.’ She offers a half-smile. ‘Oh, I know how awful that must sound, but, well, there’s no point pretending it’s anything other than it is.’ Her smile widens and she holds out her hand to me. ‘Nice to meet you anyway. It’s a small world, isn’t it?’
I take her hand, puzzled that she recognised me so quickly. I look different now, I’ve made sure of that. I needed to shed the past, so my hair is now shorter and a chestnut colour, no longer the almost black that it was, and I iron out my natural waves with straighteners. But it hasn’t fooled Elaine – or others, probably.
‘Don’t worry about it,’ I tell her, taking her hand. ‘And yes, I’m Mia.’
She offers a warm smile. ‘Well, for what it’s worth, it’s no reflection on you. I heard years ago that you had some trouble from people. I just wish everyone would mind their own business.’
As much as it’s painful to hear this woman talk of the abuse I received, allowing her to discuss it could be my way to bring up Dominic. ‘It was hard,’ I say. ‘I couldn’t even leave my house without someone confronting me. Most of the time they’d just scream and shout in my face, but sometimes it got even nastier than that.’ Memories flood my mind of smashed car windows, abusive words spray-painted onto my front door. It got so bad that I barely left the house for months.
Elaine shakes her head. ‘I can’t believe the nerve of people. It’s outrageous that you had to go through that. They claimed to be friends of that student, didn’t they? Although by all accounts she didn’t really have any close friends. Not surprising, given the way she carried on.’
‘No close friends apart from my husband,’ I say.
Elaine’s eyes widen and she stares at me for a moment, probably wondering just how far I will let this conversation go. ‘Yes, well, we don’t always choose right the first time round, do we?’ She snatches a glance at my left hand. ‘I certainly didn’t. You probably know my ex-husband, Dominic? He worked with Zach.’
‘Yes, we only met briefly at the funeral—’
‘Oh, I’m so sorry I didn’t go, but Dominic and I had been having so many problems and I’d actually left him by then. Thank God!’
‘Don’t worry about that. You didn’t even know Zach so I wouldn’t have expected you to be there.’
‘Actually, I did meet him. Well, “meet” is probably the wrong word for it, but I saw him at the university once when I went to visit Dominic. He was… I’m sorry to say this now, but he was with that girl. They were just walking along the corridor and I remember he held the door open for me. Very polite man. I thought nothing of it at the time, but after what happened it stuck in my mind.’ She finally pauses for breath.
Elaine is right about that. The whole time I was with Zach I never heard him say a bad word, or even an angry word, to or about anyone. He was always so calm, able to keep level-headed about everything. It’s hard to understand how he could have snapped that night.
An awkward silence hangs between us for a moment until, to my relief, Elaine attempts to move the conversation on. ‘How are you doing anyway?’ she asks, as if we are suddenly close friends.
‘Time heals all wounds, doesn’t it?’ I say this to avoid directly answering her question.
She studies my face for too long. ‘Yes, but it must have changed you. Something as horrific as that is bound to have scarred you, you poor thing.’
There is no way I want to talk about all this to Elaine, even though I can tell she means well and her concern is genuine. But if I want her to open up then I’ve got to be prepared to do that myself. So I tell her that it has changed me, more than I can put into words. I used to be a sociable person, making time for my friends whenever I could, but afterwards I could barely bring myself to look anyone in the face, even those I knew wouldn’t make any judgements. Eventually, I cut myself off from the world, and the loneliness and isolation might have finished me off if it wasn’t for Freya. It was only three years later that Will’s kindness and warmth brought me out of myself.
Elaine nods as if she knows exactly what I’m talking about, as if she’s been through something similar herself, rather than being on the outside looking in at the spectacle that was my life five years ago. ‘I’m so glad you met someone special. What do you do now? You weren’t working at the time, were you?’
I start to feel on edge. This woman knows too much about me and I know nothing about her other than who she was married to. We are on unequal footing. This can never be a good thing. ‘No, I took some time off work to look after my young daughter, then when she started school I trained as a counsellor and now I have my own business. Like you.’
‘Well, that’s fantastic! Good for you. I know it’s not an easy thing to do. So what brings you to see me?’ she asks, changing the subject. ‘Did you say you were looking for a property?’
She must know full well I haven’t even had a chance to explain my visit. ‘I could be. My partner and I are considering moving in together and, to be honest, a move from Ealing might do me good.’
‘You still live there? In the same house?’
I’m not ashamed to admit it. It was my house too, and I can’t let what Zach did taint the memories it holds. I tell her this and she seems to understand.
‘I suppose I get that. I’ll tell you this much, though – after my divorce I couldn’t wait to sell up and move away. Even this side of London didn’t seem to put enough miles between me and that part of my life.’
This is perfect; she has referred to her divorce without me having to. ‘I’m sorry to hear that.’
Her expression changes and her eyes seem to darken. ‘It’s a time of my life I’d rather forget. But then, a divorce is nothing compared to what you had to go through.’
‘Well, that doesn’t mean you haven’t suffered. Was it really acrimonious? It’s funny, Zach always spoke so well of Dominic.’ She won’t know that until the funeral I had no idea who her ex-husband was.
‘Well, that’s the trouble when people have two sides to them. Their colleagues only see the good – the kind, helpful man who will do anything to support them – while the wife gets the bitter, twisted and resentful part when he gets home. Perhaps all those hours of being nice get too much and they just have to let it out.’ She laughs but I can tell it is forced, that this is hard for her to speak about.
I recall talking with Dominic in the park. It really is hard to picture him being the man she is describing – the man Alison described, too – but then maybe she’s right about people having a side they keep from the world.
‘It was a totally loveless marriage,’ Elaine continues, seeming not to notice I haven’t responded. ‘Pretty much right from the start. Wasted years. I would have loved to have children but now it’s too late because I spent so much time with him.’ She looks around her. ‘Mind you, I might not have done all this if I’d had kids, so maybe things work out for the best. Anyway, I haven’t actually seen him for years and don’t even know what he’s doing or if he remarried or anything. It’s easier this way. Pretending he doesn’t exist.’