Are they? I can’t tell. I can’t feel anything. It’s his kindness that’s doing this to me. The other stuff too, but mostly the fact that he’s bothering with me.
‘Look,’ he says. ‘Is there anyone you can be with? Anyone you can talk to? It seems like you could use a chat. I just don’t think you should be alone. Who do you live with?’
Ha, Alison! Yeah, she’d be a great person to talk to right now. ‘My flatmate,’ I say. ‘But she’s out.’ I don’t tell him that she’s the cause of this; that she would probably love to see me this way.
I feel a surge of defiance, and have no idea where it’s come from so suddenly. I don’t want special treatment from Zach or anyone else. I’m going to get my assignment done if it kills me. I won’t let anyone – especially Alison – get the better of me.
Zach checks his watch and looks around. ‘I’ll walk you to your car. Where did you park?’
‘Actually, I didn’t drive here.’
‘Come on then, I’ll drop you home.’
I can’t let him do this. It’s not fair. He’s got a nice life and a nice wife and kid; he doesn’t need to be around damaged goods. ‘No, it’s fine. I can walk.’
‘Josie, it’s getting dark now, and I just want to make sure you get back safely. Come on.’
So I give in, just because it’s easier, and I get the feeling he’s as stubborn as I am and we’ll be out here debating it all evening if one of us doesn’t admit defeat.
Zach’s car has that brand-new smell, like he’s just driven it out of a showroom, but inside it looks well used. There are CDs scattered all over the place, and books piled on the back seat. A pair of little pink shoes.
I turn to him. ‘CDs? You actually buy CDs?’
‘Yeah, why? Is that not cool?’ His smile tells me he doesn’t take my surprise personally.
‘I just haven’t seen one for a long time.’ Since I left her house. But this comes as no surprise. Liv had me at sixteen and is probably around the same age as Zach.
We drive in silence for a few minutes and I get lost in the radio station Zach’s put on. It’s rock music – not really my thing – but somehow it suits him. I lean my head back and close my eyes, trying to make the moment last, when in reality we are only minutes from my flat.
‘Are you okay, Josie?’ Zach says.
My eyes snap open. Am I? It’s hard to tell, but right now, being with Zach, I feel better. His car is a cocoon, keeping the outside world at bay. Here, everything that’s wrong in my life is too far away to touch me. I can write another story. Maybe it won’t be as good as the original, but I’ll do it anyway. Alison, despite everything, is harmless, and that woman is miles away in Brighton. She can threaten me all she wants, I’m not going to let her – or anyone else – scare me.
‘I’m getting there,’ I tell Zach. ‘Sorry about just now, I don’t usually lose control like that.’
He shakes his head. ‘Josie, it’s okay to have those moments. You’re only human. We all are. You can’t be superwoman all the time.’
I throw my head back. ‘Ha, is that what you think I am? You couldn’t be further from the truth.’
‘Well, that’s good to hear. Perfection is exhausting. It makes other people feel as though they’re not good enough, that they’ll never live up to your expectations. You don’t want to be perfect.’
I wonder if he is speaking from personal experience here, if it’s his wife he’s referring to.
‘So what was it about?’ he continues. ‘It must have taken something important to upset you so much – in front of me, of all people.’
I don’t know what he means by that, but it doesn’t matter. What counts is that he’s asking me, wanting to know.
‘I can’t… I’m sorry.’
‘No, no! I’m the one who should be sorry. I shouldn’t be asking you, it’s inappropriate. It’s probably personal, and I’m your lecturer, so you really don’t have to tell me anything. But, well, I’m here if you want to talk. About anything. I’m quite open-minded, you know.’
This is easy to believe. I could jump to the worst conclusion and assume that Zach has an agenda, but I don’t sense that from him at all. I barely know him, but I feel that he’s genuine. And believe me, I’ve had enough experience to know when a guy is sleazy and after something.
Maybe I’m dumb to trust him so easily, and maybe part of that’s because I find him attractive, but I like to think I can trust my instincts.
‘Thanks, Zach. Maybe some other time. Turn right here. I live on this road, about halfway down.’
He pulls up just outside my flat but keeps the engine running. ‘You’ll get through it, Josie, whatever it is.’
Yes, I will. I’ve come this far, I’m not about to let myself down now.
‘Thanks for the lift, Zach,’ I say, reaching for the door handle.
‘See you tomorrow, Josie.’
I stop and turn to face him. I’ve never been one to hold back, and I have to ask this. ‘Why are you doing this? Being so kind to me, I mean. I’m not your only student. There can’t be enough time in your day to help us all.’
He doesn’t seem fazed by my question. ‘No, you’re right,’ he says, looking me in the eye. ‘But I’d be there for any of my students if they needed help with anything. I don’t think my job stops the second you all leave the lecture hall.’ He turns away and stares through the window. ‘Plus, I’d like to think we’ve kind of become, well, friends, in a funny way. Connected through our writing or something.’
‘Friends.’ I try the word out and find that I like it. I don’t tell him that I long ago gave up on the idea of having friends. That when you’re at rock bottom you turn around and find they’ve all disappeared, that there’s nobody there to hold out their hand and lift you up.
I open the car door and jump out.
‘Can I be honest with you, Josie?’ Zach calls.
I walk around to the driver’s side. ‘Course. About anything.’
He smiles. ‘I feel like I can, at least, but I just need to say this. I’m married, with a young toddler, and I love my home life, so please don’t think I have any kind of weird thoughts or anything. I just have to get that out of the way. I shouldn’t have to. I mean, if you were male, we probably wouldn’t even need to address it, but I just want you to know that when I say friendship, that’s exactly what I mean.’
‘That’s great to know!’ I say, keeping my voice upbeat even though something inside me feels like it’s just torn. ‘But just for the record, I never thought you had any… dishonourable intentions.’ I laugh to reinforce what I’m saying.
‘People are too uptight these days,’ he says, almost to himself. ‘I like to just go with the flow, be friends with who you want to, without having to feel judged by society. We can feel a connection to all kinds of people, and just because I’m your lecturer – for three hours a week, I have to add – why shouldn’t we chat and talk about our writing together? We’re both adults. And you’ve really helped me with my writing, Josie, without even doing anything but hand in your assignments.’ He laughs. ‘God, what do I sound like?’
‘Like you’re being honest,’ I say. ‘And I agree with it all. Plus, it’s nice to know I’m helping you get your novel finished.’
He smiles and I sense he is relieved that I understand what he’s saying. I do understand it, but I don’t have to like it.
I lean closer into his window. ‘Can I ask you something? Seeing as we’re such good friends now?’
He laughs. ‘Of course.’
‘Sorry to ask such a personal question, but, before you got married, how did you know she was the one? I’m not prying, I just wonder how you can ever know that when none of us know what the future holds.’
‘That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?’
You would understand why I’m like this if you knew where I came from.