‘I know, but just humour me.’
He lets out a deep breath and drums his fingers on the steering wheel. ‘Okay, well, the minute I saw Mia I knew there was something different about her. She was so… in control of everything. Of herself. I just found her a refreshing change from the women I’d met before. She wasn’t needy at all, and I could just… be myself, I suppose.’ He looks at me and shrugs. ‘We weren’t much older than you are now, so I can’t say I knew I wanted to marry her immediately, but in time it felt like the natural thing to do. The only thing to do.’
‘I can’t imagine that happening to me,’ I say, almost forgetting who I’m talking to, because this is the thing about Zach: he makes me feel as if I’ve known him forever. I know, such a cliché, right? But it’s true.
‘And surely people change?’ I continue. ‘You can’t be the same person you were in your twenties.’ I sound jealous and bitter, but that’s not how I feel really. It’s more an intense sadness, and loneliness. But, hey, at least I can admit this.
‘No, but you just have to hope you grow together. And I couldn’t imagine it happening to me either, until it did. That’s the beauty of life. The unexpected. Embrace it, Josie. I think it’s exciting that you never know what might happen tomorrow.’ He stops and waits for a man walking his dog to pass the car. ‘What I’m trying to say is, be positive – like you’re being with your studies now. Let that spill over into all aspects of your life.’
‘That’s exactly what I’m doing.’
‘Good. Anyway, you shouldn’t be worrying about relationships or marriage or anything like that. You’ve got plenty of time for all that.’ He stares ahead, out of the windscreen, and I wonder what he’s thinking.
‘Anyway,’ he says, turning back to me. ‘I’d better get back. Mia will be wondering where I am.’
‘Thanks again. For everything.’
I stand back and fumble in my pocket for my keys, watching Zach’s car pull away and disappear round the corner.
Mia. It’s such a pretty name and I bet his wife is beautiful to match it. She sounds perfect. But surely perfection can’t exist? And Zach was only just saying that we’re only human and should be allowed to make mistakes. That perfection is exhausting. Something like that anyway.
So just how happy is his marriage?
I close the front door behind me and lean against it, not bothering to turn on the hall light, my heart pounding in my chest. Was Zach trying to tell me something other than what he appeared to be saying when he described his wife? Or am I just blinded by his kindness, desperate for someone important to be in my life? Because other than Kieren, there really is no one. Yeah, I have plenty of people I could go drinking with, but what does that really mean? None of them would give me the time of day if I needed help with anything, other than offering to buy the next round of drinks.
Suck it up, Josie, there are people far worse off than you. And nobody ever died of loneliness, did they?
I look up and Alison is standing in the darkness by her bedroom door, watching me. I gasp. ‘What the hell?’
‘Who was that in that car? New boyfriend? Glad things are working out for you. Hope it lasts longer than it did for me and Aaron.’ Her smile is a snide grin.
I’m shocked she’s actually speaking to me, and having a dig at me, but I quickly recover; ready as always to defend myself. ‘You have no clue what you’re talking about, Alison. If you stopped to let me explain, then you’d know Aaron was a sleaze and you’re well rid of him. Even you can do better than that.’ I hadn’t meant it to come out that way but it’s too late to take it back now.
‘But that wasn’t for you to decide, Josie, was it? It’s my choice to decide who I will and won’t be with.’ Her voice is so soft now I can barely hear her. I take a step closer.
‘He just wasn’t interested in you, Alison. I’m sorry, that sucks, I know, but you can’t blame me for it. Maybe you’ll choose better next time.’
Her mouth turns into an ugly grimace. I wait for a further onslaught but all she does is glare at me with her wide green eyes.
I look towards my door, which is slightly ajar. ‘Have you been in my room, Alison?’ I don’t know why I’m bothering to give her a chance to deny it.
Her nose crinkles, but the mad stare stays on her face. ‘Why would I go in your room?’
What do I do now? I can’t just accuse her of deleting my assignment; she’ll only deny it and I’ll sound like a nutjob. ‘No, I guess you wouldn’t, would you? You wouldn’t go in there when I’m out. Because that would just be, I don’t know, crazy. And you’re not some sort of crazy stalker or freak, are you?’
Without another word she turns and disappears inside her room, closing the door silently behind her.
And I am left with a bitter taste in my mouth.
Chapter Nine
Mia
* * *
Carlo, like me, is too young to have lost a spouse. It’s hard enough when you’ve shared your whole life with someone, but when those years are cut short, stolen from you, the impact is devastating.
This young man is the only client I’ve spoken with about what I’ve been through, and I think it’s partly why he keeps coming to me, though he initially admitted he would have preferred a male counsellor. ‘Please don’t take it personally,’ he’d said during our first session. ‘But I don’t find it easy talking to women, apart from Jenny. I tried to find a man but there weren’t any suitable round here.’
But it’s been five months now, and he continues to make appointments, and open up to me, so I like to think I’m helping in some way. I told him about losing my husband after a few sessions, when he seemed to be putting up resistance, not believing in me or himself. It is the only time I’ve ever done it, and actually I don’t regret it. It’s what he needed to hear.
‘I constantly feel like I take one step forward and then two back,’ he says, sitting across from me. As always he is leaning forward in his chair, his elbows resting on his knees.
Even though it’s the weekend, I’m glad I let Carlo book this appointment; it’s what I need to take my mind off the mess of my own life at the moment. Alison made it clear she won’t talk to me, so I just need to work out what to do, and in the meantime, helping this poor man is what I will throw myself into.
‘That’s normal, Carlo, I promise you. And it can be like that even after five years.’
‘Five years.’ He lets out a sigh that turns into a whistle. He knows this is how long it’s been for me. ‘Do you know what scares me the most? That I’ll forget Jenny. That in a year, maybe two, I’ll wake up and she won’t be the first person I think of. That freaks me out, Mia. I don’t want to forget the things she said to me, or her funny little ways.’ He smiles. ‘She had this funny laugh that would always turn into a snort, like a pig. But it was so cute. Just so… Jenny.’
I don’t tell him that eventually he might forget exactly how it sounded. ‘But do you know what that will be, Carlo? Progress. It won’t mean you’re forgetting her, just that you’ve come to terms with it.’
He takes a moment to consider this and then nods, confident that I know what I’m talking about, that my guidance doesn’t just come from studying textbooks. But there is a huge difference between his situation and mine. The death of his wife isn’t tainted by horrific acts of betrayal – and worse. Carlo can grieve normally, remember the moments they shared without the memories being overshadowed. But for me, Zach’s death is synonymous with Josie Carpenter. The two of them are forever entwined.