‘There’s something you could try,’ I say, pushing my thoughts aside. ‘I think it might help you.’
One evening, after Zach died, I put Freya to bed and went out in the back garden. Just as the sun set and it grew dark, I lit a Chinese lantern and watched it float away, saying goodbye to Zach as it ascended. It took ages for the light to get so small I could no longer see it, and in the time it was drifting upwards, away from me and off to some new place, I remembered Zach, told him all the things I would miss about him, and ignored anything else that had happened surrounding his death.
I suggest to Carlo that he tries this and his face actually brightens. ‘You’re saying it actually works? I guess it sounds like a good idea. I’ll do it.’
I nod. ‘It’s a nice way to say goodbye when someone dies, or even when you lose something, or life changes in some way. It might help you in your grieving process.’
Still leaning forward, he clamps his hands together. ‘Thank you, I would never have thought of that. D’you know what I think of sometimes? And it makes me even sadder. Jenny would have loved you. I know she would. She was strong and kind like you, with a huge heart. But then if she hadn’t died, I wouldn’t be here to have met you, so… well, life’s just a bit weird, isn’t it?’
‘Yes, it is, Carlo. And Jenny sounds like an amazing woman. To be diagnosed with terminal cancer and still keep positive for the people around you takes tremendous courage.’
He nods, a proud smile on his face. ‘So does what you’ve been through,’ he says, but then looks away.
I knew when I told him I’d lost my husband that there was a chance he’d Google it and find out about Zach’s suicide. And about Josie Carpenter. And now I’m convinced he has. Carlo is too polite to say anything, but he knows, I’m sure of it. I wonder when he found out. Maybe it was even before his first session. It’s only natural that he would check out the counsellor he’s planning to open his heart to. Although I had the option of reverting to my maiden name, and there were times I was desperate to escape the stigma of Zach’s name, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I didn’t want to have to change Freya’s, or to have a different surname from her.
For a second I feel the flood of shame I used to get whenever I encountered anyone who knew. But there is no judgement emanating from Carlo, and clearly nothing he’s found out has stopped him from coming to me.
I need to change the direction of this conversation, turn it away from me and back to him. ‘How are you finding your local support group, Carlo?’
He shrugs. ‘Yeah, it’s good. But, the thing is… most of the people there are much older than me, so I kind of find it hard to relate to them. I’m the only one in my thirties. That’s why I prefer coming here. I feel like you really get me.’
‘That’s nice of you to say, and I’m glad you feel supported, but surrounding yourself with people who understand at all is the most important thing. You don’t have to be the same age or share the same interests. There’s something much more important that will bond you together. Maybe you don’t want to see them all the time but I wouldn’t recommend leaving the group. Not at this early stage. In time you might find you don’t need the meetings as much, but it’s all still so fresh for you, Carlo, and I don’t want you to be so alone in this.’ Alone like I was, because who could I talk to when everyone hated Zach?
I remember what Carlo has told me about his family. ‘Your parents and siblings are in Italy, aren’t they?’
He nods. ‘And America. But at least when I’m feeling up to it, I’ll get to travel. Can’t imagine doing it now but eventually I will.’
‘That’s true. Just don’t cut yourself off from people. Being isolated makes everything so much harder.’ I know this only too well. My mum passed away soon after Zach and I were married and Dad moved to Canada to live near his sister, so he wasn’t around much after Zach died. I understood this; he just couldn’t deal with any more death. I was lucky enough to have friends who stood by me, even after what Zach was accused of, but I didn’t, and still don’t, like to burden people with my problems.
‘I hear you,’ Carlo says.
By the end of the session, he seems in better spirits, but I know this hour will only be a temporary fix. As soon as he walks out of the door it will hit him all over again, and my words and support will fade into the background until I see him next week.
The house is too quiet without Freya around, and although I wanted time and space to think, now I’ve got it I desperately want the hustle and bustle of normal life.
I sit at my desk, long after Carlo has gone, and stare at my notes. I’m pleased with his progress but my mind is clouded and I can’t focus on writing up the details of our session. What am I supposed to do with the information Alison gave me? What kind of sick game is she playing? I could try to talk to Dominic, but if Alison was telling the truth about him being abusive then I can’t risk him doing anything to her. Regardless of whether she ever comes back, she’s my client and I owe her confidentiality, but, more than that, I would never risk causing her harm. Despite what she’s said and why she may have said it.
But there is one person I can speak to and that’s Dominic’s ex-wife, Elaine. I expect she won’t be forthcoming if it’s got anything to do with her ex-husband, but it’s the only thing I have left to try.
I Google Elaine Bradford; even though they’re divorced there’s a slim chance she’s kept her married name. Just like when I was searching for Alison, several hits come up, but it only makes me realise how futile this is. I don’t know what this woman looks like, or her age, or anything that could help me identify her. All I know is she got divorced around five years ago.
Frustrated, I scroll through the list of links, hoping something will jump out at me, but nothing does.
My mobile phone rings and I snatch it up when I see it’s Will.
‘Hey,’ he says. ‘How’s everything? Did you drop Freya off okay?’ His voice is filled with warmth, as it always is, and just for a second I can almost pretend everything is normal. That it’s just the three of us.
I should let this Alison thing go; I have a life now and nothing can bring Zach back. He’s gone, and so is the person I was, so I need to put it behind me. Alison doesn’t seem to want to pursue it either so there can’t be anything in what she said. But still. There was a reason for her visit. A reason for what she said.
‘Yeah, all fine. They want to meet you soon. For dinner.’ I hesitate. ‘How do you feel about that?’
A few seconds of silence follow before Will answers. ‘Actually, that would be nice. It’s a big step for them so I appreciate the offer. I know how important they are to you, they’re practically your family.’
‘It’s a big step for you too, though, Will. Are you ready?’
‘The main thing is are you ready, Mia?’
The truth is I don’t know. But I need to prove to Will that he’s important to me and that I believe we have a future together. ‘Let’s do it,’ I say. ‘I’ll let them know.’
‘If you change your mind, though—’
‘I won’t.’ And now I’ve made that promise, I need to make sure I can keep it.
Feeling more optimistic, and certain I can get past this, I spend the rest of the day catching up on paperwork. I even write up Alison’s notes, though it’s unlikely she will return.
As I’m putting away my folders, I spot the corner of my wedding photograph. It shouldn’t be in this drawer after so long, but I can’t bring myself to put it away with all the others. It makes me feel as though Zach is with me, somehow, when I’m helping other people.
I can rarely bring myself to look at it, but I slip it out from beneath the papers it’s hiding under, and stare at my husband’s face. He smiles back at me, his hazel eyes shining with all the promise that lay ahead of us. The promise that came to nothing.