‘Anyway, there’s nothing that will bring him back, Mia,’ she adds. ‘And what’s the good in talking to Dominic Bradford? They weren’t that close and he’s moved on with his life, I’m sure.’
I take a deep breath, wondering how much further I can push her. I don’t need her to tell me where he lives, of course, but if there’s a chance she knows anything more about him then I need to know it. ‘You’re probably right, Pam. I’m sure he doesn’t want me turning up after all this time, reminding him of what happened.’ I pause. ‘He had a nice wife, didn’t he? She was with him at the funeral, I think.’ I hate having to play this game with Pam, of all people, but I need ammunition against what is to come.
She shakes her head, just as I knew she would. ‘No, he was there alone. He got divorced not long after Zach died, so maybe there was trouble between them at that time… Anyway, I don’t really know what happened. He kept in touch for a while, afterwards, but we haven’t heard from him for years. I don’t even know where he lives now.’
‘Can you remember her name?’ I’m pushing my luck now, but I need to try.
Pam frowns. ‘I think it was Elaine. Why? Why are you asking me this, Mia? What’s going on? Why do you want to know about Dominic’s wife now?’
I turn back to the garden. Freya has finally located Socks and is walking round the garden, holding him in her arms. ‘It’s nothing. I just… I miss Zach, and I suppose I want to feel close to him, and be around people who knew him.’ I can tell Pam’s not convinced by my words, and I wouldn’t be either; they make little sense even to me. I need to distract her. ‘One of my clients has just lost his wife and it’s bringing it all back to me.’
This seems to work and she walks over to me and gives me a hug. ‘It will always be hard, dear. We just keep living with it, that’s all we can do.’ We stay holding each other for a moment until she pulls back and straightens herself up. ‘How are things with Will? Are you going to let him move in yet?’
This is the amazing thing about Pam – she is able to put her pain aside and still want the best for me, even though she probably feels her only son is being replaced.
‘I can’t, Pam. Not yet. I’m not ready.’
She nods but I know she’s preparing to question me about this. ‘It’s been five years, Mia. How long is long enough? From everything you’ve told us he sounds like a lovely man, and Freya loves him, doesn’t she?’
There is no arguing with Pam’s logic, but I cannot easily explain what’s in my heart. ‘Yes, Freya adores him. We both do.’
Her forehead creases. ‘You do trust him, don’t you? Because if this is about not wanting to get hurt, I’ll say it again: I don’t believe for one second Zach did anything wrong. Anything at all. You were a good wife to him, Mia, he would never have done anything to hurt you.’ She pauses. ‘Oh, I know that sounds wrong when he took his life, and he must have known how that would hurt you both – hurt us all – but you know what I mean.’
A familiar numbness takes hold of my body and I can’t feel a thing. I clench my fist to shake some feeling into me but it’s like watching someone else from afar. This can only be a protective mechanism I’ve developed over these years. To stop myself from falling.
‘I try my best to believe that every day,’ I say. No, I don’t. No, I don’t. Zach ripped out my heart with his betrayal. But I know he loved Freya, and me too, in his own way, so I will focus on that, for Pam’s sake. ‘Some days it’s easier to be positive than others,’ I say. ‘Anyway, yes, Will is a good man.’ The words stick in my throat; this is what people always said about Zach.
Pam nods. ‘Graham and I were talking about it the other day and, well, we both think it’s time we met Will. It’s been long enough, hasn’t it?’
This is the last thing I’ve been expecting and I’m momentarily stunned. ‘I… um… yeah, that sounds good.’ I know how hard meeting them will be for Will. He will do it for us, I have no doubt, but I don’t want to put him through that. Still, I promise Pam I’ll talk to him about it.
She smiles. It brings her pleasure to still be involved in my life. ‘It doesn’t have to be anything formal,’ she says. ‘There’s no pressure. It’s not like meeting the parents, is it?’ She stops herself. ‘Actually, it is, because that’s what we feel we are, Mia. You’re our daughter, as far as we’re concerned.’
There are tears ready to burst from my eyes and all I can manage is to whisper a thank you.
‘It’s funny,’ Pam says, ‘when Zach first met you in… Tenerife, was it?’
‘Fuerteventura.’
‘Oh, yes, that’s it. Well, I didn’t think it would last five minutes – these holiday romances rarely do, and you were both so young. Zach was only twenty-five, wasn’t he? And you must have been, what? Twenty-two?’
I nod. Pam has always been good at remembering dates and ages.
‘But then he brought you home to us and I knew you were perfect for him. I just knew you were a good woman.’
I’m so choked up by her words I can’t manage to speak. But it’s funny to recall how Zach and I met. A lifetime ago now. I had assumed it was just a few nights of mostly drunken fun, and I certainly wasn’t expecting him to call me once we both got home. But he did. And even when we got married three years later, and nobody thought it would last, we did. How did we only have ten years together, Zach? Ten short years. Until death do us part.
I’m glad I didn’t eat breakfast this morning, because I would have definitely lost the contents of my stomach right about now. Luckily, Freya chooses this moment to bustle into the kitchen, still cradling a purring Socks in her arms. She is a welcome distraction. ‘Can you stay for lunch, Mummy?’ she asks.
As much as she loves her grandparents, she always hates it when I leave – at least until they distract her with some game or other.
‘I can’t, sweetheart, I have a client this afternoon. But I’ll see you on Monday, okay?’ I bend down to give her a kiss on the cheek. ‘Be good.’
‘I always am,’ she protests, but I ruffle her hair to let her know that I know this.
And when I leave the house and step outside it’s like breathing again after being close to suffocation.
Chapter Eight
Josie
* * *
I’ve always tried to be strong, to keep my emotions in check and never reveal any vulnerability, despite the circumstances I find myself in. Even after what Johnny did to me, I refused to shed a tear in front of him. I focused on my anger instead, and it protected me like a wall so he couldn’t get in.
Now though, sitting in front of my lecturer, I feel like I am breaking down, crumbling from the inside. This is not me, but I can’t seem to shake it.
‘Come on,’ Zach says, ‘we need to get out of here.’ He doesn’t wait for a response but gently grabs my arm and takes me outside. Like a damsel in distress. I’ll hate myself tomorrow. And I will never be able to face him again; I already know that.
‘Is this about university?’ he asks. ‘Is there anything I can do? You know, if you’re struggling with your work then there isn’t a single tutor who wouldn’t help you if you needed it. You just have to ask.’
I shrug. ‘It’s not that, really. Well, partly, but it’s not the whole of it.’ I reach into my pocket for a tissue but the only one I find is old and I know it has chewing gum stuck in it somewhere. I use it anyway, to get rid of these annoying tears. ‘I’m not making sense, am I?’ I say to Zach. ‘Look, I’ll just go.’ I start to walk off but he reaches for my arm.
‘I can’t let you go like this, Josie. You’re clearly upset about something.’
This is weird. He shouldn’t be so concerned. He should be more than happy to say, okay, great, see you around. ‘Don’t worry about it, I’ll be fine.’
But he’s not buying it. ‘No, you won’t. Your hands are shaking.’