“Thanks” I say quietly. Fuck, what did I do? Or is it just me, am I not for him?
I don't know why I'm feeling shocked, this is what I thought would happen after all. He's had a good look, given me a test run and he's realised that doing the grateful older woman, isn't for him after all. Years of self-doubt and low self-esteem take over my thoughts. All of the tears haven't helped either, who would want to get themselves involved with a menopausal forty five year old woman, especially when you’re a hot, successful, single, sex god, who can have their choice of women, why would he want me?
I sit on the bed and towel dry my hair, gathering my thoughts and trying to control my bottom lip. That was the most amazing sexual experience of my life, the way his eyes didn't leave mine, the words, the things he says, it just makes everything more, just more. That's the word, he makes everything more. But, if it’s not to be, it’s not to be. I will treasure the memories and the sensations forever but I will go back to Jo's for the rest of the week and move into the rental at the weekend as I had planned before I lost grip on reality and stepped into a fantasy. We will be nothing more to each other than a tenant and a landlord, who had sex one night. Mind blowing, convulsion causing, spa and shower sex but that is all. End of!
Who the fuck am I kidding?
I pull the T shirt over my head, clean my teeth, run a comb through my damp hair and rub in some face cream. My face is flushed and my eyes look extra wide and very blue, I actually look quite good. My phone is out in the family room and I need to call Jo and ask her to come pick me up. I tip my head upside down; shake out my hair and throw my head back, going for the wild and sexy look, wanting to show him exactly what he's going to be missing out on, not sure if that's what I've achieved but I look okay. I swallow hard, take in a deep breath, and blink back the tears. I won’t let him see me cry, I won’t let him know how much his rejection is hurting me, I will leave with as much of my dignity intact as I can manage. I walk into the family room on the pretence of looking for my phone. Gabe’s sitting back on the sofa drinking a beer, his left ankle resting on his right knee, his left arm draped along the back of the sofa, he’s wearing trackies and a hoodie, his hair is still wet and I want to whimper at the deliciousness of him. He looks in my direction as I walk in but his eyes don't meet mine. I’m hurt, everything we just did, what he just made me feel and now this, now he can’t even look at me, am I that bad? I swallow back my tears as I walk past him over to where my phone is; as I leave the room he asks “So that's it, you’re going tonight, can't even wait till morning? Still, reckon Jason won’t care what the time is, as long as he gets his little punch bag back”
I stop in my tracks and turn to look at him... What the fuck?
“What. Are. You. Talking. About?” Exaggerating every word as I speak.
“I’m talking about you, running back to your husband, what was it Lauren, what changed your mind, what did I do, what didn't I do?”
“What the fuck are you talking about Gabe? I'm not going back to Jay, why would you think that, why on earth would I go back to him? I don't care if you don't want me, I am still not going back to him. I was going to call Jo and ask her to come and get me. I would rather leave now, than in the morning if you don't want me here”
I hold it together until the very last few words, which come out between sobs. He finally looks at me. “What makes you think I don't want you here?”
He has a frown on his face, I am so confused and so very tired.
“Because you left me, you fucked me in the spa, you fucked me in the shower and then you got up and you walked away from me”
“You said, you said that you cried because of what I had done to you and that you regretted it and that you were thinking of Jason”
“No. No I never. I cried because I loved what you were doing to me, I'm overwhelmed by my feelings for you, of the beautiful things we were doing to each other. I cried because you are such a kind, gentle, man. You've looked after me so well this week, you've put up with all my shit and asked for nothing in return, I cried because what we did tonight, was, was so amazing, I cried because when I looked down into your face, you looked exactly like your name as it is in my phone, I cried, because you have looked after me, when all my husband wants to do is hurt me, I was trying to tell you that I regret not leaving him sooner but you walked away before I could finish”