“Yea? Well I like the smell of you smelling of me” I can hear the smile in his voice as he pulls me tighter. I feel… How do I feel? I have that Christmas morning feeling, the one you only get for a few years, those years when you truly believe. I used to squeeze my eyes so tightly shut Christmas eve night, I would end up with a headache, so determined was I, NOT to see Father Christmas. My parents always told me if I were to see him, he would know and wouldn’t leave any presents. Just to add to the tension, as we approached the living room door, my dad would always say “Hmmmm, not sure if he’s been, are you sure you have all been good?”
I used to feel sick with excitement and anticipation, of course there were always presents, way too many usually. And that pretty much sums up how I am feeling now. My stomach is permanently in my throat, continuously threatening to escape, my mind only seems to have brief moments of clarity, so bombarded with questions as it is, I think it’s just gone into sleep mode, it’s there, if I really need it, otherwise, it’s resting, saving it’s energy for whatever might be next, and that’s my other reason for feeling the way I do, anticipation. I have no idea what will happen to me, I have left my cheating, wife beating husband and moved in with a man I met four days ago, or is it five or six? I have no money, no car, fuck, I don’t even have any clothes but despite all of this, I am in seventh heaven. He has done that, Gabriel, Gabriel fucking Wilde, he makes me feel like anything is possible, there are never any put downs or snide remarks, just words of encouragement. I know it’s very early days, Christ, we only had sex for the first time yesterday, but even before then, there was something, something more and if I can find a way through all my hang ups and issues Jay has left me with, we might stand a chance. I’m great in the throes of passion, up for almost anything but in the cold light of day, too many of Jays little comments pop back into my head. He always used to say he was joking if he mentioned my belly was wobbly or my boobs were saggy, but that little seed of doubt was sewn and is now too embedded in my psyche to ever get rid of. But I have come to a decision, this has got to change, I am not going to let him rule the rest of my life! I unwittingly let out a very long sigh and immediately feel him still beside me.
“What’s wrong, you okay?”
I take a breath in. “Yeah, it’s nothing, just all my old insecurities, I’ve never realised what a mess I am. I need to stop overthinking every thought that goes through my head. I know I come across as confident but I'm so not and I really need to work on that. He really has fucked with my mind Gabe and I am only just realising to what degree. Why didn’t I see it, why didn’t I get out sooner?”
He kisses my hair and my head some more.
“Because you were waiting for me”
What a beautiful thing to say, he has truly just made my day, my life even. He says it like it’s so blatantly obvious, like it’s a fact. My whole life has brought me to him; has led me across the world and through a marriage, all so that I could find him. Once again I’m overwhelmed by him and the matter of fact way of him, his directness and that’s all it takes and I’m off again. Bloody hell, not tears, not again, this really does need to stop. Gabe must be so over this. He turns me around to face him. The tears are rolling down my face freely, no point in trying to hide them from him, I've told him more than I've ever admitted to anyone about my issues and cried so often over these past days, I am sure he must be ready to run for the hills at any moment. He brushes the tears from my face as best he can and kisses my forehead
“Lauren, just always try and remember, I’m not him, I know this is hard for you but what you've come to accept as normal, really isn’t, I know it’s going to take time but please have a little faith in me. I don't know what else to say. I have no idea how you must be feeling. I've been a bastard to women over the years but only in that they've always wanted more from me than I've ever been prepared to give but I don't think I've ever belittled a woman, intentionally or otherwise”
Something he said earlier in the week comes back to me and I decide to go for gold and ask him about it.