I look over at Sam, she’s trying to concentrate on the early morning traffic and listen to the phone conversation, “Nina has been with Gabe all night but she has had to go home to sort the kids out, she will be back there shortly, Gabe hasn’t left her side for almost two days, he really needs you there Lauren.”
My first thoughts are jealous ones, Nina got to spend all night with Gabe, then I hate myself, they are at the bedside of their sick child and here’s me feeling sorry for myself. Nice Lauren, nice.
“Right we’re just pulling into the hospital car park now, we will call as soon as we have news.”
We make our way up to the ICU where Ava is being cared for, I feel weak, dizzy and nauseous, my legs feel like lead as I focus on moving one in front of the other, I will crawl if I have to, I just need to get there, to see her, to see them both.
We are buzzed onto the ward and I follow Sam; Ava’s bed is closest to the nurses’ station, which I know isn’t good; Gabe is sitting in a chair next to her bed, holding her hand.
“You go, there’s only two to a bed allowed” Sam whispers to me.
My heart is pounding in my ears and I stop for a split second as I think I might pass out, I have this strange pins and needles sensation pass through my body and I feel myself sway. Deep breaths Lauren, he needs you, you can do this. I reach his side and put one hand on his shoulder, the other over his and his little girls and squeeze them both, his eyes fly up to mine, he looks, broken and my legs give way.
Gabe catches me under my arms and pulls me to him on the chair, I don’t feel faint, I just can’t get my legs to hold me up and I can feel him shake as he cries into my neck and all I can say is, “I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry, I should have been here, I wanted to be here. I wanted to come today and be here for you and be brave and tell you it’s all going to be okay and I am so fucking useless.”
“Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh.” He repeats over and over as he strokes my hair.
I wrap my arms around his neck and look up at him, his eyes are still on his daughter, I kiss his face, his eyes, his tears and it calms me, calms me enough to be able to stand, I go over to Ava and give her a kiss on her forehead and hold her hand and stroke her hair.
“Belated happy birthday darling, I’m so sorry I missed it; did Daddy give you your present? I hope you liked it, sorry we lied, we just wanted it to be a surprise, I bet you knew we were lying really didn’t you? Your Dad would have done anything to get you those tickets, anything.”
I swallow back a sob, “You are going to have the best night, we will stay in the city and you and your mates can have a room to yourselves and have room service and order what you like, anything, just get better for us Ava, please just get better.”
I can’t talk anymore without crying, so I shut up and look back to Gabe, he’s looking at me, “Are you okay? Shouldn’t you be at home resting?”
I walk back around the bed to where he’s sitting in the chair looking up at me; I brush the hair back off his face, “I don’t want to go home, I don’t want to sit in an empty house and not know what’s going on, I want to be here with you and Ava, I’ve hated being in that hospital on my own, I just wanted to be here, with my family.”
He looks at me blankly, I’m not sure he’s listened to or taken in anything I have just said, “You need to eat and you need to sleep, then you need to shower and change your clothes, Sam will take you to the hotel and I will stay with Ava, or if you want, Sam will stay with Ava and I will come back to the hotel with you.”
He’s shaking his head before I have even finished speaking, “I’m not leaving her.”
“Gabe, please, you are going to make yourself sick, and then who will look after Ava once she’s awake?”
He shakes his head the whole time I’m talking…
“I will look after her when she wakes up, me, because she’s my daughter, I’m her Dad, it’s my job to look after her”
“Okay, well just go and have a shower and change your clothes, you’ll be back within the hour, I will call you if there’s any change, or what if.”
“Why are you even here?”
“What?”
“Why are you even here? She’s my daughter Lauren, not yours, mine, we don’t need you so just fuck off back to your ex, the one you like to kiss, fuck off and leave us alone.”
I’m stunned into silence; I don’t have any idea what to say to that. I can only put his words down to shock, grief and a lack of sleep. There are a million and one different things I think I should say but I am standing at the bedside of a very sick little girl, his little girl, not mine and I really don’t want to cause a scene. My heart hurts, I love him so much and just want to be there for him and he’s just rejected me, excluded me, like Ava means nothing, is nothing to me and it hurts, it fucking hurts. I swallow back my tears and keep my eyes closed for a few seconds while I try to regain my composure.