“Nobody’s perfect Lauren, we all make mistakes, I bet even your new bloke isn’t perfect.”
“No Jay, he’s far from perfect but he won’t be apologising on a monthly or weekly basis for making the same mistake for the next twenty five years, we weren’t even married the first time you grabbed me by the hair, do you remember? We were at a party and I didn’t want to go home so you grabbed my hair and dragged me out, you were so sorry, you begged me to forgive you the next day and swore to me it would never happen again and it didn’t, that’s why I was happy to marry you when your parents insisted after I got pregnant, I loved you beyond reason and was sure that you would love and protect me and our new baby, then just two months after the wedding you smacked my head against the wall after I got back late from a day out shopping and your dinner wasn’t ready, do you remember that? I was four months pregnant and you smashed my head into a wall, then you sent me flowers the next day, because you were so sorry.”
“So are we going to relive every time I put my hands on you? Fucking hell Lauren, nobody’s marriage is perfect, I don’t know why you’re so sensitive about it all, and couples fight every day.”
“But ours stopped being a fight Jay, I stopped fighting back because you would just hurt me more and I was never going to win, so I just stopped fighting back, that’s when it became abuse Jay.”
“Oh no way, I never abused you, it was, it just got out of hand sometimes, you always have to have the last word, and you’re even doing it now.”
I’m wasting my time, he will never understand, he will never get it, he say’s sorry because, despite everything, he does have good manners, so to him, saying sorry is the right thing to do, it has nothing to do with regret or remorse for his actions and I realise now, it never was, he has and will never understand what he has done to me, why it’s wrong and why I will never go back to him.
I sit up in the bed and hold his face in both my hands as I shake my head and let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding.
“I love you Jay, I will always love you but we will never be getting back together, I love Gabe and I will be spending the rest of my life with him, he wants to marry me and as soon as it’s legal, that’s what we’ll do; I’m sorry but that’s just the way that it is, you had me and you treated me badly and no amount of apologising will ever put that right, I don’t believe you mean it, you think you do, but I know that you don’t and I’m sorry for that, I’m sorry that I can’t forgive you but I think I deserve better than the way you treated me and I would never trust you not to go back to your old ways.”
I manage not to cry as I talk but he has tears rolling down his cheeks and I don’t even feel guilt, nothing. I brush his tears away with my right hand and as I lean towards him, he pulls me in and kisses me on the mouth, I don’t stop him, I let his mouth linger on mine, I want him to realise, I need him to feel, that there is nothing there, on my part there is nothing, his kiss means nothing.
“Lauren?”
I look up to see Gabe standing in the doorway.
“What the fuck are you doing? Why is he here?”
Jason pushes up from his chair.
“She’s still my wife; I have every right to be here.”
“You gave up your rights when you put her in the fucking hospital, get the fuck out of here before you end up in one of these beds as a patient.”
“Gabe, please, don’t, I don’t want.”
“Don’t want what Lauren, me? Him to leave? You want him to fucking stay? Fine, but I won’t be.”
He turns around and leaves, Jemma is standing behind him and he almost knocks her over as he goes past.
“Sorry Jem, tell your friend I wish her well.”
I look at Jason, “Please leave.”
He nods, “I’m sorry ‘Ren, I’m sorry for everything and just remember…”
“Just go Jason, just go.”
He walks out of the room and past Jemma, my eyes meet hers and all I can do is shake my head, I pull my knees up and cross my arms over them, resting my head on my cast, “What the fuck was that, what just happened, were you kissing Jason?”
“What? No, he kissed me; I was trying to prove a point. I just needed him to feel that there’s nothing there for me anymore, I need him to finally get it’s over and then Gabe walked in, I was just trying to calm it down and Gabe thought I was taking Jay’s side and wanting him to stay and stormed off…Fucking hell Jem, could my life get any worse?”
“Well yeah actually, your mother arrives tomorrow, that will send your blood pressure soaring.”
I drop my arms to my side and look up at the ceiling, fuck, shit, fucking shit bollocks, I am so pissed off, and I can’t even cry I’m so angry. I look across at Jemma.