I’m getting used to this sensation now and know not to panic as I come round from the sedative they gave me before the scan. I have no idea how long I’ve been out but Gabe is back, he has hold of my left hand and is running his thumb over my fingers where the cast ends, I keep my eyes closed, enjoying the sensation for a few more seconds; As I slowly open them and focus, my stomach flips, it’s not Gabe, its Jason, he’s staring fixedly at where my wedding ring used to sit and rubbing the pad of his thumb over the now bare flesh of that finger. There are still indentations there, after wearing a ring in that spot for twenty five years they will take a long time to disappear, if ever and oddly, I don’t mind that, I don’t mind the reminder.
I watch him intently as he hasn’t realised I’m awake. There’s a bit more grey around his ear and the sides of his dark hair than I remember, he has stubble on his square jaw but then he always does, it’s one of the things I loved about him, his nose is long and straight, he’s looking down so I can’t see his brown eyes, just the long lashes that fan out across his cheeks, he turned fifty earlier this year but could still pass for forty no problem, he’s always kept himself in shape and I watch as the muscle in his forearm moves as he strokes across my finger. He has on a short sleeved white t shirt and my eyes roam up to the muscles at the top of his arm, then across to the chest hair sticking out of the top of the v neck. He looks like he’s lost some weight. In that moment I realise, that as happy as I am with Gabe and despite the fact that I am totally and utterly in love with him and never, ever want to be without him, given the choice, I would still have preferred my marriage to have worked out, I would have preferred that the man sitting in front of me now didn’t have such a bad temper and had not taken his issues out on me, I used to believe in marriage, when I took my vows, I meant every word of them and had stuck to them for twenty five years, I feel like a failure at not lasting forever but I am pretty sure the guilt for that lies more with the man sitting in front of me right now. Does all of this make me a bad person, wishing that my marriage had worked out, when I am now so totally and utterly in love with Gabe? The way I see it, if things had been good between Jay and me, then Gabe and I would never have met, so neither of us would be any the wiser about the others existence. What I do know though, what I can say with 100% clarity is that now I have Gabe, now that we have found each other, I never want to be without him and in that moment it suddenly dawns on me, that perhaps yes, I do want to give marriage another try, with him, with Gabriel.
My lips and mouth are dry and my voice sounds raspy as I whisper “Jason.”
His brown eyes come up to meet mine, reminding me instantly of how much I miss Sonny, he is the absolute image of his Dad; I swallow down a sob.
“Little ‘Ren, I’m so glad you’re okay.”
I let out a deep sigh, no one other than Jason has ever called me that; most people shorten my name to Loz or Loza and Jay did that too but occasionally and always when writing in cards, he would always call me ‘Little ‘Ren’or just Ren.
“What are you doing here Jay?”
“I had to come Lauren, I had to come and make sure you were okay, I couldn’t stay away.”
He kisses across my knuckles.
“You took your wedding ring off.”
“Yes I did, I no longer consider myself married.”
I look then and notice he’s still wearing his and I feel nothing, absolutely nothing, I don’t feel sad, or happy, or triumphant. He nods, slowly and looks at me a small smile pulls at the corner of his mouth.
“I still love you Lauren, I still love you and I still care, I am so sorry for everything, If I could change it all, I would in a heartbeat, I still fucking love you so much and I just can’t believe I behaved so badly, I just didn’t realise how much my behaviour affected you and I just want you to know how sorry I am and if there’s any chance of us sorting this mess out, then I will do anything, anything you want so that you will come back to me”
“Don’t Jay, don’t come here and say these things to me now, after everything that you have done, everything that you have put me through.”