“Yeah shit,” I actually couldn’t think of anything else to add to that.
Sam told me Charlie’s cause of death was a massive heart attack; the funeral was being delayed until the following week because of mine and Ava’s conditions, Jackie had spent a couple of days in the hospital and was parading about in a neck brace, despite being told to only wear it if she was in pain. We chatted about me being allowed home, I asked Sam if she would come and collect me in the morning and take me to Ava’s hospital, which she agreed to do. My Mum and sister returned and I made the introductions, we sat and chatted for a while before Sam left, my family leaving a couple of hours later. They were leaving in the morning to go back to their own lives; I thanked them for coming, disappointed that they hadn’t got to meet Gabe.
I still hadn’t heard a word from him, so I sent a message telling him I was good to come home in the morning, he’s reply came straight back:
That’s nice, I’m glad there was nothing else wrong x
That was it, nothing else; it hurts more than being ignored yesterday. I curled up on my side and wrap my arms around myself, if I squeeze really tight, it doesn’t hurt quite so bad, the drugs are wearing off and I have a bit of a belly ache, a horrible dragging sensation like I am going to get a period, I never had gone to the doctors to get myself checked out, I will put an alarm on my phone to remind me to make yet another appointment and will try to keep it this time.
I climb out of bed to go to the bathroom just as Megan the nurse from last night walks in, she gives me a big smile, “Well look at you, you are looking much…Oh Lauren, sorry, have you got your period? I think you’ve leaked, do you have something? I can go and find you some pads?”
Shit, just what I needed and all over my nice new pyjamas. “God, thanks, I have nothing with me, I’ll just jump in the shower and change my clothes, how embarrassing.”
“Lauren, really, we see much worse, I’ll go see what I can find for you, if not I will pop down to the shop.”
I jump into the shower and rinse the blood out of my pyjama bottoms, pulling on my yoga pants when I get out, the cramps were cranking up now so I ask Megan for some pain relief when she comes back with a box of tampons for me.
I take my drugs and send a text message off to Gabe:
Plz talk to me Gabe, I feel so alone, I miss you, I hope Ava is doing okay and that you are too. I luv u xxx
I try to stay awake to see if I get a reply but I must last a whole three minutes before I can no longer fight my eyelids.
I feel something gently brush my lips and I take a deep breath in, I can smell him, I can feel him and I want to taste him, my hands reach up to his hair so I can I pull him further into me but he’s gone, he was never there, I was dreaming, I check my phone, it’s three in the morning and he hasn’t replied to my text or called me. I curl into a ball and cry until I must fall back to sleep.
I wake the next morning feeling like shit, my head aches and my belly aches, although luckily, the bleeding has stopped, I have a one armed shower and dress myself so that I am ready and waiting to leave as soon as the nurse talks through my discharge notes and what to do if I feel unwell – blah, blah, blah.
Sam arrives at exactly the moment I am told I can leave and we head to her car, “Has Gabe been in touch?”
I shake my head, if I talk, I will cry; we get into her car in silence and start the drive to see Ava, I have no idea if Gabe will be there but I want to see her regardless. Sam’s phone rings and the console lights up with ‘Jen’.
“Hey Sam.”
“Morning Sam, look are you going to the hospital today to see Lauren?”
“No, they’ve let her home, Laurens here in the car with me now.”
“Hi Jen, I’ve escaped.”
“Lauren, so good to hear your voice, I’m so glad they’ve let you home, sorry I didn’t come visit, but, well what with everything.”
“Jen, honestly, I had so many visitors, its fine, really and you know, with everything else, I’m really not top priority right now, I’m fine, other people aren’t doing so well.”
Shit, did I make that sound like a ‘Oh don’t any one worry about me’ type of speech? It goes quiet for a second too long, “Jen, you ok?”
“Lauren, Ava took a bit of a turn for the worse this morning, she’s having all sorts of adverse reactions to some of the drugs she’s being given, Gabe is in a terrible state, could you go to the hospital rather than going home?”
“I’m on my way there Jen; I wasn’t going home, what have they said? Is there someone there with Gabe now? This can’t be happening.”