I need to make a stand on this, otherwise he will think that he can do this type of thing again and I will always forgive him. Which I probably would. I've tried to stay away, only for a couple of days admittedly. But I can't, I don't want to, I love him beyond reason and that's the long and the short of it, I feel like I carry him with me now, permanently, forever; small pieces of him are in me, in my bloodstream and every now and then they reach my heart and it makes it do this thing, that nobody else in all of my years has, I know exactly the moment the little pieces of him reach my heart because it beats harder and faster, it’s almost painful but I love it, it makes me feel alive, happy and sad, broken and complete and whether we are together or not, he will always be there, bubbling through my system. I am head over heels for this man, boy, hot sex god. And I don't ever want to be apart from him, ever. I need a God or some other divine being that represents horny, middle aged women, to help me out here, I really do not stand a chance on my own!
Jo arrives home from work and we just have time to pour a wine when Jem and Lulu arrive. It's been a while since we have all been together and the noise we create whilst catching up is loud to say the least. We drink copious amounts of wine, eat our dinner and chat. It feels good to see them all, I feel – happy. Then the subject turns to Gabe and all eyes are on me.
“So” says Lu “What's happening then, on the Gabe front? Give me the deets. I know all about the other night. But what's gone on in between you moving in with him and moving out again. What's he like. Is he as good as they say?”
A hush falls over the table. I don't want to but the wine has relaxed me so I can't help but grin. Stupidly. Jemma nudges me.
“Think that smile says it all don't you?” I smile more and look from Jem to Lu.
“The sex is mind-blowingly fucking hot. He is soooo, uninhibited and encouraging. He makes me want to do things that I would never have considered before, but it's not just the sex, it's, I don't know, we fit, we work, I love him, I love him beyond reason, I thought Jason was my one great passion but this, this is like nothing I’ve ever felt before, I can’t actually think of the right words to describe what I feel for him and it’s actually fucking killing me not being with him.”
“So why are you here, why are you not with him?” Lu asks. Her big blue eyes are full of tears as she looks at me and reaches for my hand.
I swallow and take in a deep breath so that I can talk without crying. “Because, I feel like he holds all the power, I had to make a stand and make him realise that I won't put up with what he did the other night. Let’s face it, I'm batting way out of my league with him.”
There are Mumblings from around the table and I look at each of them shaking their heads.
“Oh come on... He's 35, hot as fuck, a sexual master in the sack, he has quite a few dollars to his name; he's single and could have any woman he wanted. Why is he with me? Why? Look at me, I'm almost 46. Basically middle aged, with massive issues, a loony tune ex who really should, quite possibly be sectioned. I own nothing; I have no money, no car. Nothing. We are hardly equal.”
Jo shakes her head at me. “I love you Loz, but I really could smack you between the eyes sometimes. You just don't see it do you?”
“See what, I don't follow?”
Jemma pipes up, “Loz, I saw him this arvo. His face when I told him I had come for some clothes for you. Lauren. I had to hold him he sobbed so hard. He loves you so much, he is hurting so badly, believe me, whatever your issues are, and they are your issues. He doesn't give a shit about your age or what money you have, he loves you. End of. All of your problems stem from listening to Jays bullshit. Well Gabe’s not Jay. He's nothing like Jay so you need to get your head around that, otherwise your past is going to cost you your future.”
I swallow back my tears and feel that horrible lump stuck in my throat again, one day I will find out what that is, I will go to a doctor and demand an x-ray so that I can see what it’s made from! I almost choke as I try to gulp down my wine. Jemma reaches across and puts her hand on mine.
“We all love you chick and we want to see you happy. You are a beautiful, hot, sexy, mamma. Any man of any age would want you. You are funny, talented, kind and intelligent. Although, sometimes, also very stupid. You obviously love him. Okay, so he fucked up, but he didn’t actually do anything wrong, it was the blonde slut doing all the running, while he sat and got drunk and swore his undying love for you by all accounts. So fuck everything and everyone else and just be with him.”
It's no good trying to blink away the tears now. They are pouring down my cheeks and down the cheeks of all of us around the table.
“He truly loves you Loz. I've never seen him like this and neither have his family. Just go back to him and do what Jem says. Just love each other and see where it goes?” Jo looks me right in the eye as she speaks.
Lulu not to miss an opportunity to voice her opinion adds. “Yeah and all that sex, that hot sex and that body. Fuck. There's nothing I wouldn't let that man do to me. I'd even let Shannon watch. He's just so...”
“Lu...really, do you mind? This is my man you’re talking about. I don't want visions of you fucking him while your husband watches in my head thank you. I have enough real life events running through my mind as it is.”
“Sorry, sorry Lauren, but you need to know. If you don't want him. There's plenty out there that do, I mean, how many women our age get the chance to be with a man like that? Seriously.”
“Yes Lorraine. I'm well fucking aware of how lucky I am and more than aware of how many other women want him. I don't need to be adding you to the list of who I have to assassinate do I? Do I?”