“Thanks babe, bring wine too, lots of wine.”
I feel better after I talk to Jem. And oddly I also feel jealous, Jemma is going to see his beautiful face sometime soon, she will look into the eyes that I am missing so much. I actually feel my jaw clench at that thought, she's my best friend and I love her dearly, but I could actually punch her right now! This is what he does to me. He fucks with my head so badly. I love him yes, but he did what he did and it's so early on into our relationship that I just don't know if I will be able to fully trust him. I don't think I ever have really, there are just too many women from his past still hanging around and then there are all of my own self esteem issues, my insecurities. We are doomed, doomed I say. I actually laugh at my melodramatic self. Oh fuck you Gabriel Fucking Wilde. What have you done to me???
I walk down to the shops in the village and buy what I need to make a seafood risotto and message Jemma and Lulu and tell them both to come over to Jo's for dinner tonight. I head back feeling a little better about things, but I have no idea why. Nothing has been resolved and I am as torn as I was last night before I found out nothing went on between Gabe and the blonde whorebag. Apparently.
I know exactly the moment Jem leaves Gabe’s because he calls me. Why is he bothering, he knows I won't answer. So then the text comes.
That fuckin hurt. Really? U couldn't come n pick up ur own stuff? U really don't want 2 c me do u??? Y do u need going out clothes? Where r u goin? I luv u Lauren, plz plz come home baby, my heart, my bones, everything I am hurts without u here.
There's another link. This time it's: ‘Lifehouse Whatever It Takes’ And it’s a video with the lyrics. I sit on the floor and watch it and listen to the words. I can barely swallow; the lump in my throat is now the size of the whole of Australia, what is that? What causes that lump I wonder?
I focus on making dinner and a few minutes later another text arrives from him.
Sry didnt mean 2 sound like a stalker. It's nothing 2 do wiv me where u go. I just wanna c u in those boots. The boots and nothing else. I luv u. And now I have a massive hard on thinking about u in those boots, plz come home Lauren I luv u and ur the only person who can cure my boner
There are two links attached to this one. The first is The Police ‘I'll be watching you’. The second link is ‘Horny’ by Mousse T.
I smile as my heart and other parts of me ache for him, for us but then my inner bitch takes over and I can't resist texting back.
Call the blonde slut I've heard she has the rite cure 4 u, I’m dun?
To this I attach Destiny’s Child ‘Survivor’ And I make sure it’s a video with the lyrics, just to prove my point!
Harsh I know but hey. Fight with what you have right? I laugh when I read his reply:
Owww harsh baby. I luv and miss that sharp tongue. I want it on me, in me and over me. Plz come home I luv u xxx PS: Wear the boots, nothing but the boots
Attached is Nickelback ‘Far Away’
I slide down the kitchen cupboard onto the floor again, this seems to be my newfound spot in life for emotional melt downs, I want to cry and be angry with him, instead I’m sitting grinning at my phone like an idiot and I know in that moment, I’ve lost, my resolve has gone. I need to end this. We are both so miserable without each other. Surely that must mean something. I will go home Saturday. I will have my night out with the girls and go back to him on Saturday. It's not that I want to make him suffer. Well yeah, actually I do a bit. It’s more that I feel so inferior in this relationship, so how can I say, out of my depth, out of my league, like he has all the power.