He brings his eyes back up to meet mine and says on a sob, “I don't know, I was so drunk I can't remember.”
He sobs and tears roll down his cheeks, my hand goes to my mouth as I let out the sound that I'm now not even sure is coming from me. He drops down onto his knees and grabs hold of my hips, pushing his face against the bottom of my tummy.
“I'm so sorry Lauren. I don't want to lie to you, please, I'm so sorry.”
I have to twist away from him as I lean over the sink and throw up. He stands and rubs my back and again I want him. I want his arms around me, I want all of this to go away, but for now, I just need him to go away.
I splash my face with water and rinse my mouth, I'm shaking badly, “Please go Gabe, leave now.”
“Lauren, no, please listen to me, no lies, no secrets. I don’t want to ever lie to you, I don't know what happened, maybe nothing, I don't know. I want us to always be honest with each other, that's why I'm telling you. I don't know what happened. I don't remember anything, I am so sorry and ashamed, don't do this, please.”
“Go... Just go Gabe.”
“No Lauren, no, don't fucking do this, please.”
I'm gripping the edge of the sink. Afraid to move too far away from it in case I vomit again and because my legs feel like jelly and it's helping to hold me up, but mostly because if I keep hold of the sink, I can't reach out to him. And that's all that I really want to do, he looks so sad, so desperate, I just want to make it better for him, tell him it's okay, I forgive him, I still love him. I want to wrap my arms and legs around him and breathe him in. I want to feel that stubble on my cheek, up the inside of my thigh, all the way to the tops of my legs, but I can’t do that, why would I? I’ve left a twenty five year marriage behind because of my husband’s bad behaviour, why on earth would I walk straight into a relationship with someone else that didn’t treat me right? Leaving Jay was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life and I would be fucked if I had gone through all of that to end up with someone that cheated on me at the first sign of trouble, I deserve better. But I want him, ashamed as I am to admit it, I’m finding it harder to stay away from Gabe, after knowing him for just a few short weeks, than I have my husband, who I have known over half my life. I close my eyes and blank out these thoughts and feelings. As I open them, I'm aware of him pacing back and forth across the tiles.
“You said no Lauren, you rejected me, I didn't know how that felt. I've never.... No one, no woman has ever said no to me before, I panicked, and I thought I was going to lose you. I don't handle losing people well. I jumped into the car and drove up to Arthur's Seat and just looked out across the bay, I was trying to think of a way to show you, to prove to you, that you are my forever. I don't want you to ever doubt how much you mean to me, how much I love and need you. I can't get my head around all of this, it's so fucking weird to me and yet it feels absolutely right, so perfect, when we’re together, it all makes sense, I don’t know how to explain it. This isn't bullshit Lauren. I can't put into words how I feel about you, whatever I say, however many times I try to tell you, you never seem to believe me, I was trying to think of a way to get through to you, to make you realise. So that's when I thought of it, when I knew what I could do! I have a mate; he works out towards the city. So I went to see him and he told me to just draw how I felt. Put my feelings down on paper but as an Image. Not into words but as a picture – so I did.”