He pulls his T-shirt over his head and turns his back to me, revealing the most beautiful tattoo I have possibly ever seen. I'm lost for words as I study the image. It's still red and raised in parts, there is dried blood in some areas. Which would explain the blood on his T shirt yesterday. All of this reels through my mind as I study the image. It’s of the back of a naked woman; with long curly red hair hanging down past her shoulders she is being held in the arms of a man, you can only see his arms around her, the tops of his shoulders and his hair. His face is buried in her shoulder. His long untidy hair falling forwards. I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be me and him, but the part I can't take my arms from are the wings. Coming from behind the man’s shoulders are the most beautifully drawn inked realistic looking wings I have ever seen. Each feather is so finely detailed. It's breath taking. Across the top of his shoulders, above the image is some Arabic looking writing. I want to ask what it means, but I don't want to speak to him. The tattoo is truly magnificent, but does it make any difference? Does it change anything? I love him, he loves me, but I will never be treated badly by a man, or anyone else for that matter, again, so no, and nothing’s changed. Until I know for sure what went on with him and Alyssa, nothing has changed at all, I can’t allow it too, I didn’t leave one bad relationship to jump straight into another, I’m no longer prepared to put up and shut up and I still want him to leave.
“Wow. That. Is. Beautiful!!!”
Jo is standing in the doorway looking at Gabe’s back. He turns and looks at me. Naked from the waist up and my eyes wander over his beautiful body. I just can’t stop myself, I’m a perv, and he’s gorgeous, so shoot me! He raises his eyebrows slightly and I swear I see his mouth twitch slightly at the corner. Did I just let out a little moan? Bastard, he knows the affect he has on me.
I feel his eyes burning into me as he says, “It's for Lauren. It's all for Lauren, to let her know exactly what she means to me.”
“Shit. Couldn't you have just sent her a card, a trip to a Hallmark store would have been less painful darl? What does the writing say? What language is it?”
“It's ancient Sanskrit. It says: Your Protector. My Saviour.”
I close my eyes. I think I might actually pass out. And I don't even know why.
“That's quite beautiful Gabe but think about just sending a card next time. I'm going out. I have a date.”
Without thinking twice about it, I say to Jo, “Show Gabe out as you go.”
There is absolute silence as they both stare at me. Gabe starts to shake his head.
“Please Lauren, don't do this, I love you, we need to talk.”
“I have nothing to say Gabe, please go, please just go and leave me alone. Jo, can you show him out.”
I jump as he roars at me, “Fuuuuuuck! What do I have to do? What can I say to prove to you what you mean to me? Fuck, fuck, fuck Lauren. You are doing my fucking head in! I tell you all the time how I feel, I tell you the best I can and I try and show you all the time. I fucking love, want, need you, like nothing I ever thought possible. Without you... There is... I am nothing, I can’t go back to that, not now that I know how it can be. We have to be together, you don’t want this, not really, I know you don’t, I fucked up I know that but we are bigger than all of this bullshit. But we need to be together to survive, we can’t be apart, we don’t work apart. Please listen to me, please tell me what I need to do to make this better, to make it right?”
It's my turn to roar now, “What can you do? What can you say Gabe? Well let me fucking see. What you can do is NOT go out and get fucking blind and come home with some blonde troll in tow. What you CAN say is: NO Lauren, I most definitely didn't fuck her… or anyone else! That's what you CAN do or say Gabe. That and only that. Now please get the fuck out and stay away from me please. Please. My heart just can't take anymore. Please just go.”
My voice falters on the very last plea, I don’t cry tears but my voice ends on a sob, I look across at Jo – pleadingly, but she's already worked out that I need him gone.
“Go Gabe, now please.”
“Jo.... No, please, we need to talk about this... Go out on your date, leave us here we'll be right.” I shake my head at Jo, I can’t be alone with him, I don’t trust myself. I will cave, I know I will.
“Please Gabe; I don't want any trouble. Just go.” Jo orders him calmly.
He looks at me; his eyes are glistening with tears. Both his hands are pulling at his own hair. He has no shirt on, just jeans and bare feet. I can see the muscles in his arms, chest and abs all clench and tighten as he pulls at his hair. And I fight with myself not to reach out to him.
“I love you Lauren. I would leave my daughter fatherless and die for you. Never forget that.” That kills me, if it were possible for my heart to break any more today than that just did it. He has tears on his cheeks and I know he is as broken as I am, he walks towards the door without saying another word. Jo follows him as I slowly sink to my knees.
Before I hit the floor I hear a smash and Jo shouting, and then calling my name. As I get outside, Gabe is punching the passenger window of his Ute. He punches again and again, until it finally smashes. He runs at the car door and kicks it with the flat of his bare feet. It caves in on impact. He can't reach the windscreen so he moves around to the driver’s door and punches that. It takes three attempts before it breaks and there is blood running down his arm from his knuckles.
“Gabe – what the fuck? Stop!” I scream at him.
He kicks the door and the tyres before turning and raising his arms and faces up to the sky, shouting:, “Fuuuuuuuuck!!!” At the top if his lungs.
He drops down to his knees and pulls at his own hair with both of his hands. I drop to the floor where I'm standing next to Jo in her doorway.
There's total silence except for the sound of all three of us sobbing. Eventually Jo puts her hand on my shoulder and says, “Go to him.”
I stand and look at her, shaking my head, “I can’t, I have nothing left to give him right now.”
“Jesus Lauren, you two are unbelievable.”
I walk back into the house and head for the shower in Jo's guest room. I need to wash the past few days events away and I need to sleep.
CHAPTER 4