I wake to the sound of laughter. I reach across the bed for Gabe. He must be up already, it's the only time I don't wake up with him wrapped around me. I smile just a little and squeeze my legs together as I get that usual ache down there, just from thinking about him, it takes me a few seconds before cold, harsh reality hits me and my heart breaks once again. I make a dash for the en suite toilet and hurl the very few contents of my stomach. How could he? I lean my back against the wall and pull my knees up. I'm back at Jo's, in her guest room, once again homeless, because Gabe let me down. It's still dark so it must only be a few hours since I last saw him. And I'm missing him so much I let out a sob just thinking about it. I sit on the toilet floor and cry and as I do I realise. It doesn't do anything to make me feel better at all, I’ve shed so many tears and none of them have made me feel any better, so I take some loo roll to wipe my nose and head back to bed. I check my phone. It's 11.20. It is only hours since I've seen him but it feels so much longer. I have a dozen missed calls from Zac, Cooper and Sam And a dozen more from Gabe, as well as text messages from all of them and Jemma. Jem’s is just a general 'How you doing? Don't forget we are going out Friday' message. Jo's is just to check up on me too, but also to let me know she has bought her date back and to ignore any strange sounds.
Sam's is to tell me she is at Gabe’s with Zac and the kids and Gabe is in bits. Zac’s is to tell me that he has spoken to Alyssa and she has told him that nothing happened between her and Gabe. The text was about a blow job she gave him last time they were together and Gabe had then refused to take her home and fuck her. She had apparently begged him for sex last night but he had refused and kept telling her that now there was only Lauren.
I have to read this through twice. Would she lie, to protect Gabe? Would she lie for him?
Even if he didn't do anything with her, does it change anything? He was so drunk he could have done anything and not given me a second thought. Although I am beyond happy that nothing happened. I think. Am I? I don’t know what to think any more, I miss him, badly, I’m a mess, I wonder how he’s doing, I wonder if he got his hand fixed up, I hope he didn’t need stitches. This is getting me nowhere.
Cooper leaves a voicemail and a text saying pretty much the same as Zac does but adds, “Please Lauren give him a chance. He is a good person and he truly loves you. I'm really worried about what he'll do if you two can't work this shit out.”
This starts my tears again. I wasn’t going to cry any more tears over this, I decided that just five minutes ago and here I am again, I am seriously getting on my own nerves now and get to wondering, if mother nature is so good at her job, why the fuck did she give us feelings and emotions, couldn’t she have just made us without them? It’s the one flaw in human beings, we feel, we feel far too much. I go back to the messages on my phone.
There is only one text from Gabe. It says:
Lauren, I am so sorry baby, this is killin me, the thought of what I have put you thru is just fuckin killin me. Plz can we talk, plz. I luv u beyond words. Never forget that, u r my saviour xxx
Underneath the message is a link. When I click on it, it takes me to a YouTube video of Three Doors Down singing ‘Here Without You’.
My heart aches so badly, it’s like a constant throbbing an ache in my chest and throat; I curl up in a ball and cry myself back to sleep.
By the time I wake on Thursday Jo has already gone to work. I shower and wash my hair. When I look ready to face the world I call Jemma and fill her in on all the details of the past day’s events. Just like everyone else, she tells me I need to give him a chance. Why do I feel like the bad person here? I did nothing wrong. Okay, technically, neither did he, but he could have. This is all doing my head in. I ask Jemma to go over to Gabe’s to pick up my boots and a blouse or top of some sort so that I have something to wear tomorrow night.
“Loz really, can't you go yourself? It's a bit childish sending me.”
“But I don't have a car and I'm just not ready to see him yet Jem. If I see him, I will cave, I'm missing him so much I can barely breathe, I just can't face him, please Jem.”
I don't mean to sound whiney but I know that I do.
“Alright, alright, I'll go, I'll bring them round later when Max gets home.”