I had group therapy today and I survived. Yay! Go me! I know I’m a dork, don’t laugh at me. Anyway, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It was heartbreaking, but it was different than what I expected. No one judged anyone. There was just a silent understanding amongst everyone. Everyone has a story, a path that led them to the circle, and when they have the nerve to share, everyone just listens.
I learned so much in one session. These people are my peers. They are just as broken as me. They aren’t evil people they are just victims of circumstance. They are weak and lack self-control. Just like me.
Can I tell you something? I’m not sure, but I don’t think your death broke me. I think you dying was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. I was damaged when you met me. You were just the one person who had the ability to hold me together. You were my glue.
There is something else I have to tell you. Drugs are evil. Evil, I tell you. Since I left my therapy sessions I’ve been hallucinating. I feel like I’m back in the seventh layer of hell, detoxing. I guess it’s a side effect. They aren’t giving me any more medication to help the withdrawals so maybe that’s it.
I’m going to try to sleep, hopefully they will go away.
Love always and forever,
Cara
Dear Jake,
Oh my god. I am so sorry.
I hate myself.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
Cara’s Journal: September 30
Dear Jake,
I can picture the hurt in your eyes, the disappointment in your face, and I can hear your heart breaking, because well that’s exactly how I feel. Saying I’m sorry won’t be nearly enough. I am ashamed of my actions.
I am a horrible person. The only way I can rationalize what I did is by telling myself that I was just trying to erase the pain of losing you. It doesn’t excuse using Luke to do it. Please don’t be mad at him. If anyone is to blame, it’s me. I took advantage of him, knowing he was hurting as much as I. Maybe I wanted him to know I was using him, I’m not even sure. Maybe I wanted him to feel like I used him, maybe I thought I’d get rid of his constant presence.
I don’t deserve him looking out for me, just like I never deserved you. You were the only person who made things better in my life and I completely took advantage of that, just like I took advantage of Luke’s concern for my well-being.
I don’t even know if what I’m saying makes any sense. I’m trying to figure out the person I am, and the more I discover the more I don’t like. I just want you to know what happened between Luke and I didn’t mean anything.
Part of my recovery is making amends with the people I’ve hurt while being an addict. I can’t make amends with you because you are not here physically. But I know you are with me in spirit and I want you to know I promise to make things right. I promise to change the ugliness in my life. I want to be a better person Jake.
I Love you. Only You.
Love always and forever,
Cara
Chapter Six
New York was beautiful all year round, but there were certain times when New York was magical. Most New Yorkers would say it was Christmas time, but there were some who would say Post Season Baseball in the Bronx was magic. Joe Lanza was one of those people. He was a die-hard Yankee fan and when his future son-in-law picked him up for the game, he was decked out in pinstripes from head to toe. He even traded in his usual black dress slacks for a pair of navy pinstripe ones. He had on his Derek Jeter jersey and wore the number two on his back proudly.
Nick ushered Joe through the stadium, listening while he hummed ‘Take Me Out To The Ball Game’, making a mental note to buy the man a box of Cracker Jack’s. They had great seats right above the dugout. Joe wouldn’t even need to use the binoculars that hung around his neck. He slapped Nick on the back.
“You did good, boy! These seats are perfect!” Joe said as he smiled broadly taking in the view of the ball field. The stadium was alive and the fans boisterous. The crowd chanted “Let’s Go Yankees” as the starting line-up was announced. The two men sat back in their seats and took it all in. Nick glanced over at Joe and smiled, happy to see the man enjoying himself and then he looked over at the empty seat beside him. He wondered if Luke would even show. The last week he had been unbearable. He didn’t know what it was that was eating away at his friend, but he hated seeing him this way. He was cold and disconnected from everyone. The only time he seemed to be himself was when he was around Ava, never allowing her to see whatever it was that was tormenting him.
“I remember the first time I took Luke and Jake to a baseball game.” Joe said, sounding a bit nostalgic, causing Nick to turn his attention from the empty seat beside him. “Luke was amazed by the stadium and all the players. I remember he brought his catcher’s mitt with him, hoping to catch a foul ball.” Joe smiled and then his smile turned into a slight chuckle. “My boy, Jake, well, he was amazed by the concession stands.”