Cara’s Journal: September 28
Dear Jake,
I think I may have really lived through hell. I mean the kind of hell where the devil's bargains for your soul and then even when he gets a taste of you he chews you up, decides he’s done with you and spits you back into the flames. He lets you sit there as the flames burn through your flesh and when the fire hits your insides you scream in agony but no one hears you. No one wants hell’s leftovers. So right now, though the flames have gone out, all I am now is a pile of dust and ashes, at least that’s what it feels like.
I never thought I’d say that I had to go through detox. I never thought I’d become an addict. I bet you didn’t think I had it in me either. Luke said I was in there five days, but I would’ve sworn it was five weeks. I really thought I was going to die. They gave me medication to help with the side effects of detox and I guess they are working because I don’t feel violently ill or like I’m going to throw my organs up.
Tomorrow is my first day of counseling and I’m not sure how I feel about that either. I’ve never shared my problems with anyone other than you. I know we were a couple at the end, but more than I miss my boyfriend, I miss my friend, the friend who knew all my problems, all my concerns. I miss my best friend that would listen to me vent and never judge me, no matter how crazy my thoughts were or how out of control my feelings were. Our friendship meant everything to me and I mourn that every day. I think even before you died I started to mourn our friendship.
I should go to bed that way when I stand in a room full of strangers and tell them what a fuck up I am at least I look presentable. Who the fuck am I kidding? I look like road kill lately.
I love you.
I miss you.
Love always and forever,
Cara
Chapter Five
Cara bit down on her lip nervously as she walked into the large room. There were floor to ceiling windows throughout the room, with breathtaking views of the lake that surrounded Lakeview. It was quite serene and there was a certain peace to be found there. In the center of the room there was a large circle of chairs. Off to one side there was a buffet of fresh pastries and bagels, and an urn filled with coffee. She wasn’t alone, there were people scattered throughout the room. Some of them stood huddled together others finding their seats. Cara slowly made her way to the buffet to grab a cup of coffee. She avoided making eye contact with anyone, in fear that they would see right through her. See through the exterior and discover the broken shards of the person she used to be. Once her cup was full of steaming hot coffee she took a seat and hoped nobody noticed her.
A man entered the room; she assumed he was the counselor by how everyone in the room made their way to greet him. The seats around her began to fill and the man found his way to the center of the circle. Cara focused on the floor and the pattern in which the tile was laid. She didn’t lift her head when she heard the man introduce himself, but she listened to him intently.
“Welcome everyone. Those of you who have been meeting with me regularly have no need for introductions, but for the few new faces I see I am Rick Sutter, a counselor here at Lakeview. Before we begin I’m going to go over how these group sessions work, quickly. This is a place to release your thoughts. You can share your story or choose just to listen to others, but know each and every one of us struggles and we pass no judgments.” Rick said reassuringly. “Do we have any volunteers?”
Cara cautiously lifted her head to see if all eyes were on her. She was relieved when a woman around her age stood up across from her. She knew it was her own head playing tricks on her, but she couldn’t help feeling like a fish in a fishbowl. When the woman stood up, all eyes were on her and not Cara.
“My name is Victoria and I am an addict.” She said and looked around the circle, making eye contact with each and every one of her peers.