“I didn’t know that you had a problem.”
“I didn’t either, until the night I raised my hands to you.” He looked away trying to mask the emotion that clouded his eyes, struggling with his truth. “I’m so sorry.” He said with a slight shake of the head, not for one moment did Jim believe saying he was sorry would ever be enough. “The following day was a wake-up call for me. I had been up the whole night trashing the house. I broke everything, everything that reminded me of my beautiful Corinne, I was about to pass out from exhaustion when the front door stormed open. I didn’t even know you had left that night, not until the Lanza’s were picking me up from the living room floor.”
“Deb and Joe went to see you?” Cara said as a tear cascaded down her cheek.
“Yes, they came to tell me that they were taking you away from me. They told me I was… I forget the words they used, but they told me something along the lines that I wasn’t good enough to be your father. They were right. Mr. Lanza offered me money to get into a rehab. He told me that I had a gem of a daughter and I should straighten up my act, so that I could be a part of something spectacular. Those words I remembered.” He smiled faintly. “They loved you.”
“They’ve been wonderful to me.” Cara said through a sniffle.
“That’s good. They were good people as far as I can remember.”
“Did you get help after that?” Cara asked quietly.
“Not immediately, I didn’t see the point. They were going to take care of you. They were going to be everything you needed, leaving me free to be with my Corinne. I never tried to kill myself. I never had the balls, but there were nights when I would drink myself silly until she appeared to me. I lived with your mother’s ghost. I thought she was real at one point. Out of nowhere she stopped showing up, it was as if I lost her all over again.”
“Can I ask you a question?” Cara threaded carefully.
“Go ahead.” He urged.
“Why did you never put a tombstone where she rested?” It was a question she wanted to know answer to for a good part of her life.
“It was too final for me. I felt if I put a headstone there, I was admitting she was gone. You have to understand Cara, I was so messed up that a legit part of me really believed she wasn’t gone.” He sighed and ran his hand over his slicked back hair. “By the time I straightened my life out I went to her grave and saw the beautiful stone. It was real, she was gone. I said my goodbyes once and for all and then got the help I needed. That’s when I met Nancy.”
“One of the steps in my own recovery was making amends. Why didn’t you try to make amends with me?”
“I never thought I’d be able to redeem myself in your eyes. I didn’t want to be selfish anymore and use you in my recovery. I thought it would be best for you if I just left you alone. I couldn’t taint you anymore, I didn’t deserve you. I checked in on you from time to time after I left Riverdale, mostly when my job took me through the town. From what I could tell from afar you looked fine. You looked happy. I just…”He shrugged. “Why rattle that cage?”
Cara didn’t know what to say. On one hand, she was happy that he hadn’t completely forgot about her, but on the other she still wished he would’ve reached out. Maybe they could’ve had some sort of relationship, maybe if she understood the man he was and the battles he faced after her mom’s death, she would’ve been able to handle Jake’s death differently.
“Excuse me one minute. I’m just going to use the bathroom.” Jim said, breaking the heavy silence that fell over the room. Cara nodded slightly watching him walk out of the living room. Once he was out of sight she ran her fingers through her hair and let out a breath she hadn’t realized she had been holding. She glanced around the room, taking in the pictures that lined the mantel, she was just about to stand and get a better look when Nancy joined her carrying a tray with a carafe of coffee and three mugs. Cara smiled at her as she set the tray down on top of the coffee table.
“Help yourself, Cara. Are you hungry? I can whip something up real quick.” Nancy said nervously as she sat down to hand Cara an empty mug.
“I’m fine. But I’m a sucker for a good cup of coffee.” Cara said taking the mug. She felt Nancy’s eyes on her as she poured and fixed her coffee. She took a sip of the piping hot coffee and lifted her head. “It’s perfect.” She said politely. She wasn’t sure what to say to Nancy so when Nancy broke the silence she was grateful.
“He always talked about you. Even after that horrible accident. He still always thought of you.”
Cara’s brows drew together. “What horrible accident?”
“Well, I’m not sure one would really consider it an accident about seven or eight years ago your boyfriend followed your father to a truck stop.”