Where the Memories Lie
By: Sibel Hodge
he was covering up Katie’s death? Did Ethan kill her? Was Chris involved or did Tom really do this all by himself ? Were all three of them in it together? How could I expose myself and Anna to Ethan if he had been involved? How could I live with someone if he’d murdered my friend? Or so-called friend. How could I ever be sure he was really being honest with me again? There would always be that permanent doubt and mistrust, just like with infidelity.
I almost found myself wishing I’d discovered Ethan was having an affair, instead of this. But then I nearly laughed. He had probably been having an affair all along. With Katie.
At first I felt numb. So frozen with shock and uncertainty that I couldn’t even cry anymore. As if my blood had stopped flowing.
I felt disconnected from reality, separate from my body as though I were looking down at myself from a great height. Then a gripping fear that I’d never experienced before crushed at my chest with such force it was hard to breathe.
But if Ethan wasn’t guilty, had I ruined my marriage in my quest for the truth? A truth I was still no closer to finding out.
A truth I wasn’t even sure I wanted to know anymore. So far, it was buried deep beneath layers of lies and deceit.
My head buzzed with pressure, as if it was about to cave in, my brain riddled with dark thoughts. One minute I decided I should go to the police and let them handle it. I wasn’t equipped to deal with another murder investigation. It wasn’t my responsibility to shoulder this. If Ethan or Chris were involved, they had to pay the price. That was the law. It was what I would’ve believed before any of this happened. When Anna was asking me before about her death row project, I was adamant that people should be punished for their actions. If you can’t do the time, then don’t do the crime, and all that. But the next minute, I thought about Anna and what this would do to her. The long-term effects of having a father in prison. She wouldn’t just be labelled as the granddaughter of a killer 264
Where the Memories Lie anymore: she’d jump up a branch on the murdering family tree stakes. Didn’t I have a duty to shield her from harm? Could I take the risk of possibly ripping Ethan away from her and destroying her world? How could I be the one to break up the family? It would mean the end of everything we had left. Our lives would slide down a slippery slope into a black chasm. I’d always believed in the truth.
Believed in being honest and not telling lies. But was that always best for everyone? It was my fault that our family was being eaten up from the inside out. I’d wrecked everything. If I’d kept quiet, none of this would’ve happened. How could I be the one responsible for causing further damage and hurting Anna so badly?
Anna let out a wavering sigh and her eyelids fluttered as if she was dreaming. I hoped it was a nice dream, rather than the nightmare reality closing in on me in the darkness.
I slipped out of bed and went downstairs. Sitting at the kitchen table, I sipped whisky, trying to think and trying not to think simul-taneously. As the darkness crept slowly into dawn and the start of another summer’s day, I still didn’t have a clue what to do next.
When Anna woke a few hours later, she found me in the same position, feet perched on the edge of the chair, arms wrapped around myself, resting my chin on my knees and staring out into the woods beyond the barn.
‘Hey, sweetheart.’ I put my legs down and stretched, stiff from being in the same position for so long. ‘Sleep all right?’
‘Yeah.’ She shrugged, looking sad.
‘What do you want to do today?’
‘I don’t know. I don’t really want to go out anywhere in the village where people are going to see us. But I’m sick of being stuck indoors all the time.’
265
Sibel Hodge
‘Why don’t we drive out to Swanage? Let’s take a picnic and sit on the beach, just the two of us. And Poppy.’
Poppy’s ears pricked up from the corner of the room where she was curled in her doggy bed. Her tail swished from side to side on the floor.
‘OK. When does Charlotte get the results of her bone marrow biopsy?’
‘Hopefully soon.’
‘That’s horrible, isn’t it, all the waiting?’
‘Well, maybe she’ll be up to seeing us in the meantime and we can try to take her mind off it.’