“I swore I’d never let anyone become number one over me again. I gave Rey so much power over my moods and my heart. Now I’m doing the same damn thing with Vi!” I shove my hands forcibly through my hair. All of this is too much too soon. How did I let Vi get so close so fast?
“Stop. Right now. Stop everything.” Leslie sticks out her hands like she’s trying to calm a wild beast. “You’re letting Rey get in your head. You don’t need her there. She’s a trigger for you. Don’t let her make you crumble. Don’t give her that power.”
I nod, seriously absorbing everything Leslie is saying, but feeling a pit of despair in the bottom of my stomach like I could be screwing everything up for myself again.
“Hayden. You deserve to be happy,” Leslie adds. “It’s been a year.”
“Right!” I whisper scream, my voice bordering on a manly shriek. “It’s been a year. You’ve seen me through it. I’m a completely different person than I was fresh out of rehab. Aren’t I?” I grip my leather cuffs and ache for the pressure thundering through every part of my body to dampen. I want this to be true. I need it to be.
“You are different, Hayden. Calm down,” she says soothingly.
“Fuck. I just wanted a normal night out.” I crouch over a chair and drop my head down to my chest. “I’m so tired of feeling broken.”
“You’re not broken. You’re changing. Change is hard. But from the looks of it, you’re making all the right changes! That’s what matters.”
I nod silently to myself. I am doing this properly. I can’t let Rey rattle my confidence. Vi and I are taking things slow. We’re not rushing into anything. We’re not saying “I love you.” We’re just together. Meeting friends. That sort of thing. Nothing major…
…even though there’s a heaviness in my heart that’s screaming at me to stop ignoring it.
A sensation that I’ve never felt before…even with Rey.
The car ride back to Theo and Leslie’s is quiet and charged with tension and unspoken words. Vi has hardly looked at me or touched me since Rey’s hasty departure. I know she’s probably angry about how I treated her all evening, but surely she can see why I acted as I did. She’s got to understand that all of this is still difficult for me.
She offers polite goodbyes and I begin walking her back to her flat.
“You don’t have to walk me home, Hayden,” she croaks under the dark streetlight.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” I snap with exasperation as we walk at a quickening pace down the sidewalk.
“I’m not being ridiculous. I’m perfectly capable of walking my own arse back to my own flat. I don’t need you.”
My hand shoots out and wraps around her elbow, bringing her to a halt so swiftly that she stumbles into my chest. “What are you doing?”
She refuses to look up at me even though we’re pressed tightly together. “I’m just reading the writing on the wall.”
“Stop,” I demand and force her chin up so she looks at me. The hurt and confusion and pain swimming in her glossy eyes crushes me. My anger melts to heartache. “Vi, stop,” I beg.
She shakes her head. “No. You hurt me tonight. I was on cloud nine with you until Rey showed up. You wouldn’t even hold my hand! Are you still in love with her?”
“No, don’t be daft,” I scoff, looking away to hide my irritation, but refusing to let Vi go.
“Well, who am I to be jealous of then? Am I jealous of Rey or am I jealous of Leslie? I can’t keep up! I’m sure Julie would be in line for a quick shag if the mood struck you!”
I swirl her around and press her up against the nearest flat surface, both hands braced on the stone wall on either side of her head, caging her in so she remains in front of me. “This is complete shit and you know it, Vi. You know me. You know me better than anyone!”
“I thought I did. But that was before you chose to run off and confide in Leslie instead of me! That shit hurt, Hayden. How on earth do you think that makes me feel? Are you in love with your brother’s fiancé?” she snaps meanly.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” I growl, clenching my fists in anger.
“Then why can’t you talk to me?” her voice rises to a pitch that jolts me.
“I can’t tell you these things,” I grind out through clenched teeth, slamming my eyes shut in utter fear.
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want to scare you away!” I bark and look at her finally. Her jaw actually closes and her defiance morphs into a simpler, moody scowl. “Everything is different with you, Vi. The stakes are higher.”