It was all I sent. I couldn’t say any more. In a daze, I stared at my phone for an undeterminable amount of time, squeezing it as I waited for a response, but nothing came. With a thickness in my throat, I tossed it aside and stepped out to the balcony, clutching my journal to the stabbing ache in my chest.
This was a whole new kind of pain. It made my guts hurt. My soul ached. I’d survived a lot in my short life, but I wasn’t sure I would make it through this one. This one really drove home all that I’d sacrificed and had to live without. All that was taken from me. What girl doesn’t dream of a prince? Her knight in shining armor.
First love.
Real love.
I think he could have been a real love. Something in me was sure of it.
I peeled my journal from my dismembered rib cage and rested it on my lap, caressing the top of it before I creaked it open. This book was me. Bound up and battered, with its pieces falling apart and eaten away, holding all of my emotion and secrets in its heart.
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and let the visions that scudded across the inside of my eyelids move my pen.
Nails on a chalkboard
Needles pricking flesh
My heart an open wound
The sores oozing and fresh
The pain is unbearable
But it is mine and I am its
I’ve been living this so long
I’ve been smashed and torn to bits
I’m dying a slow death
Body parts frayed and chewed away
Demons come and find me
And claim me as their prey
You’re my hope when I have none
A gleam of light inside my grave
Oxygen when I feel I’m drowning
Rescuing me on a gentle wave
I want to curl up within your being
Breathe your air and feel you move
Be the liquid in your veins
So I could fit into your every groove
I’ll keep this secret guarded
The pain’s too bad, I will not share
You push and pull at my emotions
But your life I have to spare
So I’ll sit inside my dungeon
My shell, my walking corpse
Locked away, a living nightmare
As it twists and turns and morphs
In time you’ll understand
This is a horror made for one
I won’t drag you into darkness
Your sun cannot out run.
A teardrop hit the page, smudging my heartbreak, and I watched the words splay out in the tiny pool, the letters blending and smearing into one another. I allowed the tears to take over and mourned the death of what might have been. What would never be.
This was for the best.
He’d move on, find the right girl for him, and realize one day that I’d done him a favor. I’d eventually forget all about him, and my secrets would remain just that.
My. Secrets.
“Yes.” I straightened in my chair, sniveling and wiping away the evidence with the back of my hand. “You did the right thing.”
So why do I feel like I’m breaking?
The night was not kind.
It seldom was, but this was one of the worst in a long time. Night terrors raked through me, claiming me as their bitch. My body wailed and trembled until I was able to pull myself out of it. Usually, my own screams were what woke me. A low cry at first, almost distant. Then it would get louder and louder, closer and closer, until the shrill pitch was so loud in my ears, it would rattle my brain.
My eyes burst open and my arms were wrapped around my core, my nails rooted deep in my flesh. Still partially lost in an abyss, I pounded my fists against my thighs in an effort to break the trance and fully wake myself up. A mixture of sweat and tears soaked me from head to toe. Pink droplets surrounded me on the sheets where blood from the wounds I’d inflicted seeped into the moisture.
When I’d straightened and realized it had happened again, I allowed the real sobbing to begin. The pitiful weeping as I’d rocked back and forth, holding onto my knees for support, becoming aware of just how fucked up I really was and realizing I’d never be normal again. I’d been stripped of that, too.
How could anyone ever love me? Get close to this?
They couldn’t. I just had to accept the fact I’d spend the rest of my life screaming alone in a dark room. Logically, I knew I wasn’t solely to blame, but the guilt of betraying one of the people I loved most in the world sat on my shoulders like a boulder.
My sights fell on the stuffed lamb that had been keeping vigil by my bedside since childhood. It didn’t seem to be doing its job anymore and I wondered why I continued to keep it there.
“Eva, come out and dry off.”
I squint through the bright sun and take in the warm lines around Nonna’s eyes. My face splits in a huge grin. It was the week I always looked forward to in the summer when I got to stay with her. I’d swim all day and do crafts and watch old movies with her at night. She always let me stay up later than my mom, cuddling with me and eating sugary snacks.
I run toward the towel outstretched between her waiting arms. She wraps it around me, rubbing vigorously. “You’ll be warm in a minute. I made you girls some lunch.”