Self-preservation prevailed and no matter how badly it stung, the possibility of anyone finding out was worse. I instantly regretted singing that song. For giving him hope I would act on my obvious feelings and then ripping the rug out from under him.
Jace rushed to my side with a huge smile on his face, talking through his teeth so no one would know what he was saying. “I don’t know what the fuck that was all about, but not now, okay? Look at my face.”
I looked up, being held together by old, brittle threads that were ready to snap at any moment. I felt myself crawling backward into my hidey hole and he knew it.
“Look in my eyes, Eva. My eyes.”
I did as I was told, but my focus was still far away.
What have I done?
“Not now, baby girl. This is your first night, and you have a new boss to impress. Time and place, sugar. You’ll be fine. We’ll deal with this after hours. Okay, love?”
He was met by my blank expression.
“The words, Eva. Come on.” Jace pinched my side hard, and it worked.
“Ouch!”
“There you are.” He stepped behind me and pushed me toward the bar, while whispering in my ear, “Pull yourself together, you hear me? Excuse yourself to the bathroom, do a few shots or whatever you have to do, but do not let anyone see you like this.”
His words finally sank in. What was I doing? I brushed him off and turned my neck side-to-side. Giving my hands a little shake, I took a deep breath and regained my composure. I could do this. I would do this.
My body did as it was told the rest of the night. My face smiled and flirted, and my limbs rushed around making countless drinks. Rick was none-the-wiser, and I ended the shift with a wad of cash and a pocket full of phone numbers from people claiming to be in love with me.
Jessie stayed to close up with Rick, and Sandra left with a new love interest. Jace, of course, waited to escort me home.
When I walked out the door, I instinctively looked around, hoping Blake would be waiting.
He wasn’t.
My heart sank to my feet, and I trampled over it.
“Why are you doing this to yourself?” Jace’s voice snapped me back to reality.
I looked at him through wet, blurred vision. “You know why.”
“But you want this—bad. What’re you doing? You obviously can’t be his friend, so you either have to go through with it or walk away from him. He seems crazy about you. It’s not right to lead him on.”
I wiped the tears away with the back of my hand. “I’m not trying to lead him on,” I said a little too forcefully. “I’m confused, all right? He rattles my brain, and it’s not too stable to begin with.”
“Look, I know this is hard on you. I told you it wasn’t going to be easy. Maybe you should just go for it, love. Take the plunge.”
“Come on, Jace. You know better than anyone that I can’t.” I sniffled, searching my bag unsuccessfully for a tissue.
“Just put the both of you out of your misery already. And me too while you’re at it. It’s fucking painful to watch. Can’t you tell how much he likes you? He’s the real deal, Eva. I know you can see it.” He grabbed my face so I couldn’t avoid his eyes. “Come on, mama. Let yourself have this. Free yourself. You deserve to be happy.”
I shook my head free and gritted my teeth. “No. He deserves to be happy and I have nothing to give him, Jace.”
He didn’t fight me. “Go grab your things and meet me in my apartment.”
“No, I just want to be alone.”
Jace flinched as if I’d just slapped him. I’d never said that to him before. “So now you’re going to push me away, too? What’s happening to you, Eva?”
I seemed to be hurting everyone tonight. I placed my hand over his, trying to reassure him. “Please, Jace. Don’t push. Just go and I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
He hesitated a moment, evaluating me. “Fine. If you need me, you know where to find me. Love.”
“Love.” I turned and trudged into my chamber.
In my bathroom, I scrubbed my face vigorously as if the soap could wash away the emotion from it as well. Bracing myself on the edge of the sink, I looked into the mirror appraisingly. Freckles dusted a red, runny nose, and my eyes were leaky and bloodshot. My mouth was set in a scowl and I wondered if it would wind up there permanently. I looked broken down. Correction, I was broken down. This was the bare bones of me.
Reluctantly, I dragged myself into the living room and picked up my cell phone. I owed Blake an apology. My eyes glassed over when I scrolled, looking for his name and noticed how he’d programmed himself into the phone.
BFF.
I choked past a sob and sent the quick text.
Me: I’m sorry.