Abby looks up from her spot on the lounger. “Thanks, Nonna,” we sing in tandem.
A few hours later, I lie beneath the covers, staring wide-eyed at the shadows on the wall. They always crept up them, different from the ones at home. Abby decided to come this year, so I thought that’d make it easier to sleep, but it didn’t. I roll to the other side, trying to ignore the way the one that looks like a creepy clown is staring at me.
“Go to sleep,” Abby’s groggy voice mutters beneath the duvet.
“I can’t. I’m spooked again and I miss Mommy.”
She exhales and sits up. “Here.” She pushes her favorite stuffed lamb into my arms.
My eyes glass over. “You’re giving me Mary? But she’s your best friend.”
“I don’t need her anymore.” She shrugs. “She always helped me sleep and you can use her now. She keeps the bad dreams away.” She smiles softly.
“Thanks, Abs.” I squeeze Mary. “I’ll keep her forever.” I snuggle deep into the warmness and bury my face in Mary’s soft tufts, humming the childhood rhyme until I was able to peacefully fall asleep.
Its fleece was white as snow . . .
I focused on Mary a while longer, waiting for the hiccupping and body jolts to subside. When the worst had passed, I clambered off the bed and dragged myself to the bathroom to assess the damage. Amongst the mangled golden knots, sweat pasted the baby hairs framing my face to my skin, and my eyes were practically swollen shut. Barefoot on the cold tiles, I trembled as a chill coursed over my dampened body. Craving warmth, I turned on the shower as hot as it would go and stepped under the scorching stream. I bit my lip and cried out as the water scalded me, blood invading my mouth from the newest wound I’d inflicted. But I needed to cleanse my body of the filth crawling through my veins like angry little centipedes.
It was as though his hands and tongue were still all over me. Wincing, I washed away the dried blood my nails had left behind until the water ran cold. No amount of makeup or cold compresses would conceal the night I’d had. Thankfully, it was Saturday and everyone thought I’d be away visiting my boyfriend.
I put on a pair of old sweats and a long sleeve shirt to hide as much skin as possible—just in case. Popping a hazelnut coffee into the Keurig, I closed my eyes and enjoyed the aroma. There was no way I could eat. Night terrors always left me feeling nauseous. Caffeine, on the other hand, was a necessity, and I’d need lots of it to keep away those haunting visions.
I thumbed through my phone to see if Blake had replied to the text I’d sent.
He hadn’t.
Though it hurt and a wave of disappointment washed over me, it was for the best. The quicker he forgot about me and got on with his life, the quicker I could do the same.
I hope.
Truth was, I doubted I’d ever truly forget about him. In the short time I’d known him, he had burrowed his way into my heart and shattered all my make-shift walls. I didn’t know how he managed to do it. I’d never allowed anyone into that place inside of me before. It was the only thing I was able to control in my life. I didn’t know the first thing to do to expel him from there. All I knew was I had to. For his sake, I had to.
I shook my head clear and took a big gulp of my coffee. Today called for a day of regrouping and studying. It’d been such a whirlwind since I got to New York that I was beginning to lose sight of my goals. I had to forget about Blake and bury my nose in my studies. Exams were coming up this week, and I needed to focus on my life, my future, and my career.
For the next four hours, I sat in my living room, books sprawled everywhere as I tried to block everything out and retain as much information as possible. Every now and then, my body jolted in a half-spasm as my head fell forward and I started to doze off. Needing some air, I pulled my hair back into a ponytail and changed into a sports bra, T-shirt, and leggings, then covered up with a small hoodie. A good run should help even me out.
I stopped at the front doors and used the steps to stretch, then started a slow jog. I needed to get off the busy Manhattan streets and clear my head. Once I reached the park, I was able to pick up the pace a bit. It wasn’t raining, but the sky was overcast, so the place was relatively empty. I ran the path more than ten times and made sure I waved at Bertha during my laps. I didn’t want to upset her.