A waiter cleared his throat beside us, breaking the moment of connection we were sharing. We both deflated back into our chairs, turning our attention to him. He offered us tastings of a few wines, and I thoroughly enjoyed watching Blake swirl the different colored liquids and swish them around in his mouth like a true connoisseur before making his selection. We chose our meals and then were alone once again.
Knowing how important honesty was to Blake, I needed to clear the air about a few things and make my feelings known. Smoothing my hands over the table, I began, “I have a confession to make.”
“What is it?” Blake’s lips twisted and deep creases appeared in his forehead. It was the furthest expression I wanted him to wear tonight.
I winced. “I may or may not have been very close to my last bug out yesterday. I kind of freaked out over tonight and almost called the whole thing off. You put a great amount of effort into today, and I just wanted to say I’m sorry.”
Blake visibly relaxed. “You’re here, so there’s nothing to be sorry for. And for the record, I think I’m going to ban the use of that word from now on. I don’t like that you use it so often.” He scratched his chin. “Yes, that’s it. I’m administering a ‘sorry’ ban.”
I frowned. “Well, I am sorry. Look at all the trouble you went to, and I almost messed the whole thing up.”
“Almost doesn’t count. I know you need baby steps, Eva. It’s all good.” He put his hand over mine. “Now, this is your first date. No negative talk. How do you like the wine?”
“Please, I’m not finished. Let me get this out.” I fidgeted, pulling my hand from under his.
Blake’s gaze shifted to where his hand lay empty on the table. He leaned back in his seat. “Go on.”
“I’m going to mess up. Most likely a lot. Just don’t give up on me, okay? Even if I’m a bitch sometimes or a head case. What I’m feeling for you is serious, and it’s scaring the crap out of me. I’m nervous you’re going to wake up one day and wonder why you wasted your time with the crazy girl. It’ll break my heart, even if it would be the best decision you could make.” I lowered my head, twisting the napkin spread across my thighs.
Blake stood, walked around the table, and knelt at my side, scooping my restless hands into his sturdy ones. “Look at me, Angel.”
I glanced in his direction briefly, giving him a half-hearted smile, and then looked back at my lap.
Blake cupped my chin, forcing my gaze to meet his. “My eyes. Look at my eyes. I want you to know how serious I am.”
I slowly raised my line of sight until it locked with his penetrating stare. I’d never get used to those eyes and the way they pulled me into him.
“I need you to listen to everything I’m about to say and take me very seriously, okay?”
I nodded.
“A world without you could never be a decision in my best interest, so get that out of your head. It’d be the end of me. Your heart is safe with me. I’ll build a metal fucking cage around it if I have to.” He bore his stare deeper into mine. “You are safe with me. I told you I’ll never do anything to hurt you.” Blake swallowed hard and inhaled a deep fortifying breath. “I love you, Angel. I do. I didn’t want to tell you yet because I was scared you’d run, but I think you need to hear it.”
Tears filled my worried eyes, burning the back of my throat.
He loves me.
“But you can’t . . . you can’t . . .”
Blake hushed my lips with his finger. “But I do. Love isn’t about sex. It’s about a connection.” He swiped the tear that spilled over onto my cheek. “A commitment. A bond.” He straightened his spine and cupped my cheeks in his hands. “I’m bound to you, Evangelina Ricci. Fuck, if I could tie you to me and wear you as a fucking hat I would.”
I laughed, closing my eyes, and covered his hand with my own, rubbing my cheek into his palm.
“I mean it. Please don’t doubt what I feel for you. I’d do anything for you. Anything but walk away. I’m not strong enough for that. Now just relax. Enjoy this for once. Just . . . be with me.” He shrugged, quirking a smile.
I threw my arms around his neck and held him to me. “God, am I ever. I don’t think I could be anywhere else anymore.”
I wanted to say it so bad, but I didn’t know if I could. I thought I was incapable, but in my heart I felt it. I felt everything. Him, his words, his . . . everything. He was everything. My savior, my light, my hope. All I’d ever wanted.
But I still felt guilty doing this to him. It was the worst decision he could make for himself and by reciprocating his love, I felt like I was enabling him. Creating the illusion all would be okay when I still wasn’t convinced it ever could be. But I’d selfishly agreed to this, and I’d selfishly go as far as I could with it, just to be as close to him as possible for as long as he’d have me.
I looked up as my voice trailed off, unsure if I could say the words. “Blake, I—”