Peggy and Max are going to be full of questions, and I decide that I’m not going to tell them what happened today. The crisis was averted and that’s what matters. I will never put Kai in harm’s way again. I drop the pen next to the pad and look for my phone.
Kai is playing on the floor with some plastic cups and containers, banging them together and laughing. I sit down next to him as I swipe through my phone, reading messages from Dax. We have a busy couple of weeks ahead of us as we plan for the beginning of our upcoming tour. The management company has been easy on us and instead of scheduling one long road trip, they planned the tour in manageable trips. We’ll spend less time on a bus and more time in the air as we’re flown in and out of various venues and then back home again. This is going to work for me, but my heart sinks knowing there will be several days a month when I’m not home with Kai.
I lock the phone on the home screen and see the wallpaper picture. It’s Kai and Sam. It’s the same picture that I had enlarged and hung on his bedroom wall. He’s about to kiss her, and her smile is huge. It’s my favorite picture of the two of them, and it sums up the happiness and joy that she brought into our home.
“Ma-ma,” Kai says next to me, and I’m startled. He’s pointing to my phone and sees the picture of him and Sam.
“What did you say, little dude?” I ask him.
“Ma-ma.” He tries to grab the phone and I give it to him.
“Ma-ma. Ma-ma. Ma-ma.” He continues to say this as his pudgy finger presses into the screen on Sam’s face.
Tears fill my eyes as I witness the joy and irony of the situation. I can’t imagine where he would have learned that word because I’ve never referred to Sam as ‘mama.’ Yes, she was like a mother to Kai for so many months, but that word has never left my mouth.
I realize a sobering truth.
Sam is the only mother Kai has ever known.
Sam
Present
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Age 24
“NO, CASSIE. DON’T BRING THIS TOPIC UP AGAIN,” I say and slide across the room on my rolling chair. I’m updating medical records and need to use two different computers at the same time. I’ve been gliding back and forth for the past twenty minutes, and I’m starting to get dizzy.
“I refuse to back down,” she says firmly. “Pick up the phone and call him for God’s sake. How much longer are you going to suffer alone? Garrett didn’t fill your home up with gas and flick the lighter. Why can’t you see that? He didn’t know, Sam.”
This conversation is tiresome. I thought that by escaping to the beach a few weekends ago, she would have started to let up on this incessant banter. It happens at least once a day, if not twice. How can she not understand that I can’t bring myself to be with the son of my family’s killer? It’s macabre. It’s wrong. Garrett may not have blown up my family, but the genes in his body carry the DNA from a deranged, drug-addicted gambler. Who’s to say Garrett won’t develop the same tendencies as his father?
“Do you think you have the right to see Kai without any formal arrangement with Garrett?” she asks and folds her arms across her chest.
“What?”
“Seriously. Think about it. He doesn’t have to let you see his son, ever. But he does. He knows what an important part of Kai’s life you’ve been, and he doesn’t deny his visits with you. You’re practically Kai’s mother, Sam. Why don’t you start acting like it and show some compassion for his father? Garrett’s in love with you. Jesus, Sam. You’re such an asshole!”
She paces through the NICU with her arms folded tightly against her chest.
“You may be trying to punish Garrett for what his father did, but you’re punishing Kai worse.” Her words cause my breath to whoosh from my lungs. They cut deep and it hurts.
I never thought of it that way.
“You would tell anyone listening that you moved beyond your parents’ cause of death and have accepted their gifts to you of acceptance, healing and love. C’mon, Sam, stop being a fucking hypocrite.”
Another punch to the gut.
Why do her words suddenly seem so true when for the past six months, I’ve been fighting them?