Where it would eternally live alongside the hatred I already had for myself for everything I had cost her.
I wasn’t the least bit shocked at the words falling from her quivering lips. Quite frankly, I was expecting it. I was more shocked it took her that long to say it. I figured it would’ve been one of the first things out of her mouth.
“I can’t go with you,” I simply stated, softly caressing her cheek with my thumb. Needing to feel her skin against my callused fingers, even if it was only for a second. I needed her, and that was the only way I could have her. She leaned into my embrace. “I can’t protect you anymore, not as long as you are under my care. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. But my life is here. Without you.”
“Well, my life is with you, Damien. We could start over. Where no one knows who we are. We could be whoever we want to be. No pasts, no secrets. A real life… together.”
Every single word she said went in one ear and out the other. As tempting as it may have sounded, there wasn’t a chance in hell I could give her what she wanted. Needed. Not in this life, even though it was the world I always wanted.
“It’s time for you to go.”
She frowned, bowing her head in defeat. Feeling as though I was doing nothing but rejecting her. Which couldn’t have been further from the truth. My hand trembled from her shuddering so fucking hard, at least that’s what I told myself.
“Where? Where am I going to go?”
“The speedboat is going to transport you to the straits of Key West, Florida. There will be a black van waiting only for you, ready to take you to Miami. It’s going to safely get you to a church where there’s a loving family waiting to take you in. They have a nice house, two kids, a fucking dog. All your expenses will be taken care of. I have set up a plan to send money to the family, Amira. You will never want for anything, I promise you. This will be the life you deserve.” I grabbed her chin, making her look at me. “One that I will never be able to offer you.”
“Oh my god, you don’t know me at all, do you? I couldn’t care less about any of that shit.” She shoved me away.
I grabbed her wrists, tugging her to my body. Pulling her into my arms and holding her tiny frame so fucking tight. Needing to feel something, anything other than what I was fucking feeling. She buried her head into my chest, wrapping her arms around me as tight as she could. Yearning for the same exact thing.
I kissed the top of her head, breathing out, “I’m sorry, Amira, but I do.”
She began to hyperventilate, weakly attempting to pound her fists into me. All while breaking down, sobbing uncontrollably. Losing herself to misery. I let her. I deserved it.
Her pain.
Her tears.
Her feeling of betrayal.
“Why? Why, are you doing this? I know you want me, Damien.” She shoved her hands into my chest as hard as she could. “Why are you pushing me away? This isn’t fair! Not to me, not you, not anyone!” Another two blows, ramming me back. “Why are you just standing here? Say something, goddamn it! I deserve an explanation! I deserve a choice!” She raised her hand to slap me across the face, but I intercepted. Holding her securely in place in front of me. “You’re a coward! That’s all you are! Admit it! You’re scared. You’re scared to show any weakness! So I’m getting the brunt of the punishment! Why?” She started to sink to the ground, her leg’s giving up on her, much like I was. “Mama Rosa doesn’t want me to go, I know she doesn’t want me to go…”
“No, Amira, she doesn’t know,” I told her the truth, she didn’t. Rosarío would’ve never let me go through with this, but in the long run she would understand.
I held her up, welcoming every blow she continued to deliver both physically and mentally. It took everything inside me not to give in, knowing that once she was gone, my world would turn to pitch fucking black. I always thought she was the only light in my life and she was, it was only then that I recognized she was also the darkness.
Amira held the power of both.
Which was probably why our connection had always been so fucking strong. It was brought on by darkness. I gravely wanted to tell her I loved her, knowing exactly how much she needed to hear it.
I couldn’t.
I wasn't contrived like that. It only would’ve made things worse for the both of us.
So I held on to her until I couldn’t hold her any longer. The second I tried to pull away, she held me tighter never wanting to let me go.
“Mu?eca, please…” I urged in a voice I didn’t recognize.
She peered up at me with tears streaming down her beautiful, sunken face. “I can’t do this. I can’t say goodbye to you. My heart is filled with so much pain,” she choked out, trying to suck in air that couldn’t be found. “I can’t breathe, Damien. I feel like I can’t breathe.”
I held her face between my hands, and it was like looking into her nine-year-old eyes all over again. Her lips trembled with each second that passed between us. Not once did her gaze leave mine.
Hoping.
Praying.
Waiting.
For me to change my mind.
“Shhh… I’m here… it’s okay, Mu?eca, I’m here,” I coaxed the only thing that came to mind. Trusting it would work like it always did for her nightmares. Knowing this was just another one she was experiencing while she was awake.
“I love you,” she wept, looking deep into my eyes. Searching for the man who would save her, not realizing he had been there this whole time.
That was another first for me, hearing her say those three words were as destructive as hearing her say she fucking hated me.
Her emotions got the best of me. I cleared my throat, whispering, “I know,” before tucking her body against the nook of my arm and kissing her forehead one last time. I walked her toward the speedboat, about to watch her embark on her new life.
One that didn’t include me.
I grabbed my sunglasses out of the front pocket of my jacket as we walked, not giving a fuck it was dark as shit out. Just needing the false security they provided. I pulled Amira in closer, squeezing her shoulder in reassurance. She was physically falling apart in my arms, and I was the one solely responsible for it. I couldn't do anything to take away her pain, and it was killing me more and more with each step that drew us closer to goodbye.
“No, man! I have no more room for her!” álvaro hollered as soon as we were a few feet away.
Amira instantly lifted her head, darting her eyes to me. Unbelievably hopeful.