I shut the computer and sat in the dark of my bedroom next to David, who was sleeping soundly.
I was just settling into bed when I heard Aubrey wail again. She sounded wide awake. “No, no, no,” I wailed internally.
Moments like this I wish I had sister wives. Surely my sister wife would hear my baby’s pitiful wails from the next room and help me. She’d float in, wearing a long, modest ivory Victorian nightgown and smile sympathetically at me before picking up my baby and whisking her away. Before she left I’d pretend to protest her help, and she’d put a finger to her lips and mouth, “No. Sleep. You deserve it.”
I threw my feet over the side of the bed and quickly made my way down the hall. I opened Aubrey’s door to see her sitting up, sleepily. She could barely stay upright as she rubbed her eyes with a chubby hand. My heart melted.
I carefully laid her on her back and rubbed her stomach. Without warning she let out an enormous burp. She sighed, closed her eyes and within moments was breathing deeply again.
That’s all it was? Gas? I stroked her fine hair.
Suddenly, a sister wife didn’t seem like a brilliant idea anymore. As utterly exhausted as I was, seeing Aubrey’s still face in the moonlight, I knew I wanted this moment to myself.
Monday, February 4, 11 A.M.
It’s important for every mom to have a passion. Your calling is motherhood, but you must have something yours alone that lights a fire under you every day. My hobby is crafting. Whether I’m monogramming organic T-shirts for orphans in Russia or simply making sustainable and aromatic sachets for friends, creating beautiful things with my hands is what makes me excited to wake up in the morning.
—Emily Walker, Motherhood Better
The Motherhood Better Bootcamp video chat had started promptly at 10 a.m. Despite being jetlagged in Australia as part of her book tour, Emily looked fantastic. Her shiny black hair was pulled into a side French braid and she wore a long-sleeved cashmere shirtdress. Her eye shadow and lipstick were both a luxurious deep plum and her skin was flawless.
“Hello, mommies!” she said excitedly, her sparkling pearl-like teeth shining in her camera’s light. “I’ve been reading all of your online journal entries and am so proud of the progress you made during the Fitness Challenge! Brava to each and every one of you! Now, who’s ready to get crafty?”
I sat at the kitchen table staring at my computer and bouncing Aubrey in my lap, trying to look enthusiastic. I don’t exactly have the best history with crafts. Joy tried to get me on the DIY bandwagon but quickly gave up when she realized I didn’t know my macramé from my marzipan.
Emily leaned into the camera. “Having a hobby is so important when you’re a busy mama. It gives you something to do that’s just for you, nobody else. Right now I’m working on a needlepoint of my entire family.” Emily held up a thick three by three white sheet showing a half-completed—but clearly expert—embroidery of her family of seven.
“Oh, my freaking—” I stopped myself before I cursed aloud.
The other moms oohed and aahed.
“This week, the challenge is to flex your crafting muscles. I want you to dig deep and get those creative juices flowing. Does anyone have a project they’re currently working on?”
Josie from Iowa raised her hand. She was a stocky woman who wore lots of flannel. I recognized her from her journal entry photos. As down to earth as she seemed, I’d hate to cross her, as I was sure she could break a grown man in half.
Josie cleared her throat. “I’m building my kids a playhouse out of reclaimed wood from the lumberyard. I’m laying the concrete foundation later today.”
Emily’s face froze. “Wow, well, that’s certainly a...craft, I suppose. Anyone else?”
Kim from LA raised a finger before speaking. “I’m having my nanny make a quilt out of Connor’s old onesies. She’s really good at those things.”
Emily blinked. “That’s wonderful, Kim, but the challenge is to make something by yourself.”
Kim’s mouth hung open. “I made Connor.”
Emily paused before continuing. “If you’re stuck and need craft ideas, check the message board. I put a few links up to some of my more popular crafts including the papier-maché mold of your child’s hand that everybody loved a few months ago.”
The ladies oohed and aahed.
I didn’t manage to get in any face time with Emily during the call so I knew I’d have to knock it out of the park this week. If I couldn’t get her attention, I had no chance of winning the competition.
After the call was over, I put Aubrey in her stroller for a walk to give myself time to think.
As we sauntered down the sidewalk, I made a resolution.
I decided to not only learn to craft but to learn to LOVE to craft. I always pictured myself as the kind of mom who made every sweater, spent the afternoons dipping candles and was always up to some adorable project.
So what if I almost burned the house down two years ago trying melt crayons onto canvas with a blow-dryer (RIP blow-dryer)?
Fact: Blow-dryers cannot be propped up for several minutes using a stack of paper plates while on full blast.
I’ve learned that crafting is a great bonding activity with children. I can’t open Facebook without seeing what my high school friend turned perfect mom Penny McConnel is crafting. Today her status was, “Found a vintage olive oil bottle at the recycling center. Turned it into a fun lotion dispenser.” The photo looked like something out of the Anthropologie catalog. I bet her four daughters (yes, four daughters) all wore matching aprons and made their own mini homemade coconut-oil lotion and lotion infused with freshly picked lavender. I want that for me and Aubrey.
I noticed that Aubrey had fallen asleep so I parked the stroller at one of the patio seats outside the café. I pulled out my phone and spent a few minutes scrolling through Pinterest, and even though I hated the website from the bottom of my soul, Ashley the Perfect-ish Mom was going to learn to tolerate it. I’d feel differently once I had a few successfully pulled-off crafts under my belt.
To really impress Emily Walker, I was going to choose three crafts to master over the next few days.
Potential crafts:
DIY watercolor coffee mugs (Yes, they sell beautiful mugs at the store, but why would you want to buy one for $3 when you can spend $20 in supplies to make one that will stain your cuticles?)
DIY stain remover (All you need is a little borax, vinegar and salt, and you no longer need to be dependent on drugstore laundry products. As a bonus, you get free chemical burns.)
No-bake cake batter truffles (These would be wonderful for holiday gifts or eating in the kitchen in the dark.)
DIY mason jar etching (These are gorgeous! I could already see them filled with wildflowers and decorating my home.)
DIY ruffled baby romper out of a pillowcase (For Aubrey. I should really just sew all of her clothes.)