—Emily Walker, Motherhood Better
How did Mommy & Me Yoga go? Thanks for asking. It started off a little rocky. We were running late and I didn’t have time to change, so I just Febreezed my yoga pants in case we had to sit with our legs open.
I must be doing something wrong because all of the other babies seemed much calmer than Aubrey. She spent the entire time crying and trying to squirm out of my arms. She wasn’t at all interested in Baby Crane or Downward Facing Puppy. A mom in white linen pants to my left kept eyeing me like I was failing some kind of Zen-ness test.
Near the end, we were supposed to meditate “third eye to third eye,” with our faces pressed against our baby’s faces. I leaned into Aubrey, who was sitting on her green mat, and she head butted me. Right in the nose. Stars exploded behind my eyes and I almost blacked out. Before I could think, six or seven curse words flew out of my mouth. Loudly. Aubrey and the babies on either side of us burst into tears. White Linen Pants picked up her son and held him to her chest like I was holding a machete.
The yoga teacher tried to salvage the tattered calm vibe in the room, “Okay, accidents happen. Draw in the good air, breathe out the bad.”
I’m pretty sure I was the bad.
We left shortly after that.
We weren’t banned for life but I’m not going back. Aubrey can head-butt me in our living room for free.
I canceled my gym membership. I decided that I don’t want to be part of an organization that discriminates based on how people choose to interpret “working out” or uses a K to spell Korner. But I am going to miss those wraps.
Fun news: I checked into the Motherhood Better Bootcamp online portal today.
Bad news: There’s a thread for updating everyone with your progress, and seven of the moms have already lost weight, toned up or done things with their bodies other than stuff them with frozen yogurt and get knocked out by their infant.
I can’t mess this up. Today I did ten pushups (over a three-hour period) and three sets of four sit-ups. For dinner I’m making cheese tortellini, but I’m only eating a baby bowl-sized portion with just once tiny piece of buttered French bread.
Progress.
Sunday, February 3, 9 A.M.
Not every meal you eat needs to be solid food. I replace at least two a day with juice made of vegetables from my garden. For enhanced vitality, add a teaspoon of heart-healthy colostrum.
—Emily Walker, Motherhood Better
Today is my last day to make some progress before the bootcamp video chat tomorrow.
I started a new diet. It’s called Ship Shape Shake, and according to the infomercial, I should start seeing dramatic results in just seven days. I bought the box after the failed yoga class yesterday, and I haven’t read through the literature yet but I’m excited.
Full disclosure: I may have messed up just a teeny bit. I didn’t realize that each silver packet of strawberry flavored powder was supposed to be a meal REPLACEMENT. I thought it was a kind of fat-melting solution that would enter my body, bear hug the cellulite and then carry it out.
Apparently, I’m actually supposed to mix the powder with cold water to make some kind of sad watery shake and drink that instead of eating actual food.
I downed the first shake with a bowl of cereal, one hard-boiled egg and a vanilla latte with whipped cream.
I’m totally on board for lunch, though.
For dinner you’re allowed to have a shake and a “reasonable dinner.” The picture of the dinner in the brochure was a romaine salad, chopped tomatoes and grilled chicken but David is working tonight so I’m going to finish the last slice of pepperoni pizza in the fridge for dinner before it goes bad. People are starving all over the world and it feels wrong to waste food at a time like this.
10 A.M.
Today started out rough. I was so hungry I started eating almonds to curb the pangs. Forty-five minutes passed and I was still starving.
10:45 A.M.
I’m not sure, but I believe the diet is starting to affect my cognitive functions. As hard as I tried I couldn’t remember what bagels taste like. I would’ve killed for a bagel and cream cheese. Okay, maybe not kill, but I would have definitely slapped someone for one.
10:50 A.M.
I ate six of Aubrey’s baby cheese puff things. Not on purpose. I gave her one and then before I realized what was happening, six were in my mouth half chewed. Yes, I could have spit them out but that’s insane. Who spits out food?
10:54 A.M.
I broke down and had an apple with peanut butter. It’s not on the meal plan, but apples are fruit and peanut butter is just nuts which have omega 3s, I think.
11 A.M.
Took Aubrey on a walk for some cardio. Bought a low-fat mocha with no whip at the café. I would have opted for nonfat milk, but that’s against everything I believe in. Have you seen nonfat milk? It’s blue.
I bought a croissant but gave most of it to Aubrey to gnaw on. May have had a few bites for energy for the walk.
11:30 A.M.
I drank my second shake in less than ten seconds. I was supposed to wait for lunch, but I couldn’t. My stomach felt empty and acidic. I ate twenty more almonds. If I have to see another almond in my life I will immediately barf. Unless it’s a chocolate-covered almond, I love those. I wonder who discovered chocolate-covered almonds? That person should have a national holiday named in their honor.
11:45 A.M.
I kept walking in and out of the kitchen like a lost child. I ate a cherry tomato in desperation.
11:47 A.M.
Just ate a plate of sliced red onion dipped in fat-free dressing with six shakes of pepper. I pretended it was a steak. Did not work.
SUNDAY, NOON
Aubrey was having a jar of pureed butternut squash, apple and beef for lunch. Normally the dark orange mush wouldn’t appeal to me, but after warming it in the microwave for twenty seconds, I tested it on my tongue. It was like heaven. I took one more mini bite. Then one more. I ate half of the jar before coming to my senses. This was a new low.
2 P.M.
CraigsPage.com
New Listing
For Sale:
Almost complete starter kit of Ship Shape Shake Meal Replacement Diet Kit.
Strawberry Flavored.
Only two pouches missing.
Note: You can’t eat actual food. The shakes are the food. Just thought you should know.
11 P.M.
Aubrey just went back to sleep for the second time, so I decided, since I was up, I’d update my Motherhood Better Bootcamp online journal before tomorrow’s call.
Motherhood Better Bootcamp Message Board Entry
Hello ladies and Emily! So far I’ve joined a gym and taken up yoga with my daughter. She’s such a strong little girl. Very headstrong. She inspires me to see stars in the mundane every single day. I love her. I’m eating more consciously and really savoring my meals. Thank you for the Ship Shape Shake recommendation. They’re delicious and really changed the way I look at food. Xo Ashley