Confessions of a Domestic Failure

I love the gym. Aubrey and I got there at 8:30 a.m. today and she was the first baby in the Kid’s Korner (don’t ask me about the double K. I’m trying to ignore it). After dropping her off I headed to the locker room and changed into my new, very cute ensemble. I felt fitter already!

Then I saw it: the hot tub. I didn’t spend the entire hour soaking. Just forty-five minutes to warm up my muscles before a very brisk ten-minute speed walk on the treadmill. The machine said I burned thirty calories, which is probably half of a granola bar, but it’s not just about calories burned, it’s about the changes to your metabolism and muscle building. That’s what I overheard a personal trainer saying. I’m learning so much.

Aubrey slept the entire time. Can’t wait to go back. I’m such a gym rat already. I’m going to be such a MILF: Mom I’d Love to Feel good about. #SoFit.





Thursday, January 31, 9:30 A.M.

Salad makes a wonderful breakfast! My breakfast salad bowls include baby arugula, six organic grapes, red onions, cucumber slices, fair trade walnuts, ? cup of quinoa, and a generous serving of aloe and mango juice vinaigrette.

—Emily Walker, Motherhood Better

Not only does this gym have a hot tub, it has a steam room and free WiFi. I walked once around the track today. I did two sets of three pushups, as well. I’ve gained a pound but muscle is heavier than fat so I’m not worried.

After my pushups, whew! I fired up my laptop and watched two episodes of Hillside Heights in my nook. What’s my nook, you ask? It’s a private changing room where I sit with my feet up on a bench in the corner and just focus on being present, like in yoga. Naturally I use my headphones so as to not disturb anyone. It is extremely similar to yoga.

Amazing Fact: This gym has a snack bar with the most delicious creations. The Chicken Tucson wrap is to die for. It has only 300 calories without the Southwest sauce. I added the sauce, of course, but just for a bit of flavor.

I also jogged for almost six minutes. #FitnessFreak.

I took a gym selfie and sent it to David. He replied with a heart-eyes emoji. He’s so incredibly proud of me, but not as proud as I am of myself.

You’ll be happy to learn that I’ve changed my eating habits entirely. No more ice cream, only frozen yogurt. There’s a new place two doors down the street and it has all kinds of mix-ins: breakfast cereals, chocolate chips, almonds (healthy), and coconut caramel flakes (also healthy). When you buy four cups you get the fifth one free. Guess who’s getting a freebie tomorrow?





Friday, February 1, 11 A.M.

Don’t feel pressure to lose the baby weight too quickly. After the miracle of childbirth, for me, it takes between 10–15 days.

—Emily Walker, Motherhood Better

Quick update: I felt bad monopolizing the changing rooms, so after I dropped Aubrey off in the gym childcare today, I watched Hillside Heights in my car. If I pull up right beside the back entrance the WiFi is still incredible. I didn’t have time to work out, but I really do need the downtime. Aubrey is doing great in the Kid’s Korner.

I think I’ll come back this afternoon for another workout.


2 P.M.

We have a snitch. When I returned to the locker room today after watching two episodes of Celebrity Style Scoop in my car, there was an envelope tucked into my locker. Inside was an official letter.

Dear gym member,

Please be advised that the use of the Kid’s Korner is for active gym members only. We require all guardians to stay inside of the fitness center while their children are being minded.

Warmly,

The Management

How dare they? My car is only a hop and a skip away from the treadmills. It’s barely on the other side of the glass. They’re acting like I went on a shopping spree in the next city. Relaxing one’s mind is just as important as working on your body. Emily always says that. How do they know I’m not meditating in my car or doing laps around the building? How do they know I don’t have a medical condition and need to give myself injections in the privacy of my vehicle? If that were true, I could probably sue for discrimination.

I am furious.

I am determined to find the source of the information leak. My top suspects right now are:

#1: The super-skinny blonde who runs the gym café. Sometimes I order a chocolate protein smoothie to go before popping off to my car.

#2: Yolanda. Yolanda is another Kid’s Korner mom. She drops off her two-year-old, Jasper, at the same time I drop off Aubrey. We’re usually in the changing room together. She’s asked me if I’d like to weight train with her once—be spotting buddies—and I turned her down not just because I don’t want to lift weights but because “spotting buddies” sounds like some kind of mutual agreement to discharge blood between periods together and that’s gross.

I’ve seen Yolanda give me side-eye more than once as I saunter back from my car, relaxed and happy to pick up Aubrey. It’s not my fault that I’ve figured out a way to enjoy my life while she gets sweaty and punishes herself.

Update: It’s definitely Yolanda. As I tucked the letter into my bag she walked past me and gave me a half I-told-on-you smile. Wench.

Tomorrow I’m going to try some yoga if the class isn’t full.





Saturday, February 2, 11 A.M.

Sven is a licensed massage therapist. I highly recommend that mothers treat themselves to a massage once a week to work out some of that stress.

—Emily Walker, Motherhood Better

Yolanda is watching me. After I dropped Aubrey off at the Kid’s Korner, I headed over to the elliptical machines and saw her peeking at me, not once but TWICE, from the free weights area. How childish of her to tattle on me just because I wouldn’t be her period partner.

The upside is that I burned a hundred calories, which means I can stop by the froyo place and treat myself on the way home.

Aubrey cried a little when I dropped her off today. She could probably sense my stress from the situation. Thanks, Yolanda.

In more uplifting news, I signed up for a Mommy & Me yoga class. A Bikram (that’s yoga-speak for “unnecessary torture”) studio a few minutes from my house has a few openings and I thought, why not?

Someone on Facebook said it helped them bond with their one-year-old and connect their souls or something. I don’t know what that means, but I’d love for my soul to be connected to Aubrey’s.

I know it sounds crazy, but I’m already worried about what her teen years will be like. If she’s anything like me, she’ll be absolutely insane and risk her life twelve times before breakfast. I’m hoping that if I keep an open dialogue and attach chains to her ankles, it won’t be so bad. The yoga can’t hurt, either. Maybe by the time she’s thirteen we’ll have bonded so well that she’ll confide in me, come to me when she needs advice... A mom can dream, right?

Our first class is this afternoon. Wish me luck and flexibility.


10 P.M.

The decision to move Sven into our pool house was a natural one. He’s like a member of our family now. Our kids call him Uncle Sven! It’s my solemn prayer that every mom finds a trainer and friend like him.

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