Confessions of a Domestic Failure

Tanya Gregory, mom of three

In the past 24 hours, I’ve knitted six sets of baby booties for newborns born in my hospital’s maternity ward. The mommies were so grateful when I dropped them off this afternoon. I used organic, fair-trade yarn.

I quickly shut off my phone. Who were these women? How could I ever stand out when they were all mini Marthas? Tomorrow, I’d need to bring my A game to the crafting table.





Tuesday, February 5, 11:30 A.M.

I don’t use any mainstream chemical cleaners in my home. From my tabletops to my bathroom floors, every surface in my domain is gently cleansed with essential oils and natural products that ensure that babies’ bodies can grow healthily. Even the rags I use to clean come from old organic-cotton T-shirts. One can never be too careful.

—Emily Walker, Motherhood Better

Aubrey had just gone down for her nap and I was ready to take a crack at making my first DIY natural cleaner. I took the recipe right from Emily’s blog. Apparently, she uses this stuff to clean every nook and cranny of her giant home and it serves double duty as a laundry stain remover. I figured this would be a pretty simple way to show her that I’m a huge fan and therefore deserve to win the $100,000.

Supplies:

          ? Vinegar

     ? Baking soda

     ? Water

     ? Lemon essential oil

     ? Eucalyptus oil

     ? Blue dishwashing soap



The only things I didn’t have were the essential oils. I feel like their title was a little presumptuous, anyway. Essential oils. Shouldn’t they let us be the judge of that? It’s like if I called myself Best Ashley. Hello, everyone, my name is Best Ashley. Nice to meet you. What’s so essential about these oils? And if they are essential, why is it in their title? It screamed of insecurity. We don’t say “essential sunlight” or “essential water.” We don’t even say “essential oxygen.”

Truth be told, the whole essential oils industry bothered me. They had mobsters in Lululemon peddling the stuff with a hard sell in every city. I had one mom at the park try to convince me lavender oil would get Aubrey to sleep through the night. Of course I immediately bought six bottles. Aubrey smelled like a Bath & Body Works but she didn’t sleep through the night no matter how much I put in her bottle. (Joke.) But seriously, it didn’t work. The same mom sold me a Himalayan sea salt lamp, three amethyst crystals to help with my non-existent milk production (something about past life trauma affecting my confidence) and eight bamboo-cloth diapers for the low, low price of $39.99 each.

Did I mention I did a brief cloth-diapering stint? It was all fun and games until I realized that they needed to be washed. Who has time for that? I guess I got sucked into visions of beautiful multicolored diapers line-drying in the sun. And when she told me that disposable diapers took a hundred years to biodegrade it was a no-brainer. I only lasted three days before I got behind on laundry and our house started to smell like a porta-potty. I decided to use disposable diapers and offset my carbon footprint by recycling all of my wine bottles.

I still feel bad about all of the cloth diapers I ended up buying, but it just wasn’t for me. I could barely stay on top of the essential laundry (note the proper use of “essential”) much less deal with a wet bag overflowing with sewage-soaked nappies. I was a little jealous of those moms who have it down. Those photos of chubby babies in cloth diapers running through flower fields, their amber teething necklaces blowing in the wind, are adorable.

It took me only three minutes to put together the DIY cleaner. After mixing the ingredients (minus the essential oils) I poured them into an empty spray bottle and affixed a cute little label I’d printed off of Emily’s blog to the front. There. I was officially a natural earth mother!

When I was done, I plopped down on the couch with a bag of the remaining Fritos from Gloria’s casserole and logged on to the Motherhood Better Bootcamp portal. The previous night I’d posted photos of my Emo Watercolor Mugs but hadn’t had a chance to read the comments. I headed straight for my notifications.

Aubrey did such a great job! These will make wonderful keepsakes for grandma and grandpa!

Wow, your little one has talent! Great job!

Beautiful work! I’m a preschool teacher and might have my kids make these for the holidays! Hats off to your budding artist!

Um... I made those. But I played along. No need to let people know that I have the creative skills of a toddler.

I polished off the bag of Fritos but was still hungry. For something sweet. Something about naptime made me want to eat the whole house. I flipped through Motherhood Better for an easy but impressive recipe to pass the time.

Coconut-Flour Cherry Spelt Cookies... No. I didn’t even know coconuts could make flour. Does it taste like pi?a coladas?

Banana Quinoa Loaf with Gingerroot Lemon Glaze... No. That sounds less like dessert and more like some weird foot cream.

Date, Macadamia Nut and Dandelion Energy Bites... Never. Energy bites? Desserts are supposed to make you comfortably sleepy, not ready for a run. I’m pretty sure running and dessert are sworn enemies.

I opened up my computer and pulled up Pinterest. There it was: No Bake Chocolate Cake Batter Truffles. And I had all of the ingredients. My stomach rumbled in anticipation.

I almost ran into the kitchen and started pulling out the ingredients I’d need.

I was all set. I scanned the recipe and felt my mouth watering. This recipe was easy. Even for me. All I had to do was mix a frightening amount of butter, chocolate chips, powdered sugar and vanilla together until it formed what I think my thighs are made out of. Then I formed half of it into balls to set in the fridge and ate the other half while watching daytime talk shows.

The next step was supposed to be to melt a brick of white chocolate and dip the truffles into it with toothpicks, but I opted out of that step. “No bake” meant “no cook” in my mind, and I wanted to stay true to the heart of the recipe.

The recipe made twelve truffles, not including the handful of dough I ate while watching 30-Minute Dinners with Robin Ray.

They were cooling in the fridge when the doorbell rang. Guess who? Gloria and her little poodle mix, Terry. It’d been a while since she brought him over so I didn’t mind, although I wished she had called first. I’d have to ask David to say something. I love all animals, but you’ll excuse me if I can’t overlook the fact that Terry looks like a rodent. A drooling rodent who constantly yaps and barks.

I’d just gotten Aubrey to sleep, so the idea of that little rat dog making a racket was less than ideal.

“Do you mind leaving Terry outside, Gloria?”

“Would you leave Aubrey outside?”

I held myself back from saying, “If she were an animal, yes.”

As soon as we were inside, I tried to get to the bottom of today’s visit.

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