“So, what brings you over today?”
“Oh, nothing, I just wanted to see how my granddaughter was doing,” she answered while looking around the house, probably searching for evidence that I’m somehow unfit to parent her precious grandchild.
She bent over and placed Terry on the floor. He immediately started banging into walls and yapping. Five seconds later I heard Aubrey crying in her crib over the downstairs monitor.
“Oh, good, she’s awake.”
Good? I wanted to strangle Gloria but she’d probably fill Aubrey’s head with all kinds of lies about me when I was in jail. “Your mother didn’t know a sieve from a strainer!” Okay, that one is true.
I went upstairs to get Aubrey and the next thing I knew, Gloria was screaming.
I flew down with Aubrey in my arms to see Gloria sitting on the kitchen floor, tears running down her cheeks, with a suspiciously quiet Terry in her lap.
“What is it? What’s happening?!”I asked, shaking.
“Ch-ch-ch-chocolate,” she sputtered, and then I saw the remnants of one of my truffles and several chocolate chips beside Terry.
Oh, no. I must have dropped one.
Several hours and a visit to the emergency veterinarian later, I’m happy to report that Terry is fine. Gloria caught him before he had a chance to eat all my chocolate chips. David spoke to his mom before bed. She wants me to doggy-proof the house before she comes over. Well, that would require a phone call, wouldn’t it?
I pretended not to hear her yell, “I didn’t even know she baked!” through the receiver.
Wednesday, February 6, 3 P.M.
My all-time favorite craft was my lake house in upstate Washington. What started off as six acres of lush wildflowers is now a gorgeous cabin that my family escapes to whenever we can. My husband, a world-renowned architect, built the home from the ground up. I planned the décor of each room by myself.
—Emily Walker, Motherhood Better
Today was glass-etching day. What’s glass etching? It’s when someone who doesn’t know what a Target is uses acid to burn designs into glassware. I don’t know why I tried to do this. Okay, that’s a lie. I do know why. I had this vision of burning “Keller” in some swirly but respectable font onto all of my casserole dishes. Then, when I took dishes to family events and all of the potlucks I’d surely receive invitations to once I made friends, I could show them off.
“Who made your custom casserole dish, Ashley?”
“Oh, I did! I get invited to so many of these functions that I thought it would be a simple way to keep tabs on my dishes.”
“Genius! I never knew you were so crafty! I mean, I knew you were a fantastic homemaker and amazing mother, but creative and skilled, as well? Can we be best friends? I’d also like to formally apply to be your intern.”
It sounded simple. “Keller” going across the long side of the casserole dish with a few accent hearts. Except it wasn’t.
Supplies:
? Glass dish.
? Etching cream.
? Stencils.
? Brushes.
? Tape.
In my defense, I watched three YouTube videos and read no fewer than five blog posts by annoyingly bubbly moms before starting.
Can I share something? I have a theory that crafters have conspired together to make crafting complicated. There are secrets and tips that they’re not sharing because deep down, they want to see us normals fail. This shouldn’t have been as hard as it was. I’m a smart person.
Glass Etching Mistake #1: Not wearing gloves. Don’t be fooled by the word “cream” in etching cream. This isn’t Lady Loves Her Face lotion; it’s acid. I knew this going into the craft, but figured since it was sold at Michelle’s that it couldn’t be that toxic. Wrong! I’m pretty sure I burned two of my fingerprints off. So, if you’re an international spy and looking for a way to burgle the royal gems from the Queen of England or whatever, get yourself a glass-etching kit and take care of your fingerprints the old-fashioned way!
Glass Etching Mistake #2: Thinking that I was detail-oriented enough to pull this off. I ruined three, that’s right, THREE casserole dishes in the following ways:
- Getting distracted and leaving the etching-acid burn cream on for too long. Aubrey woke up from her morning nap earlier than she should have so I ran upstairs to settle her. Fast forward to me lying on her bedroom floor with one arm in her crib and, yes, I fell asleep. When I woke up forty minutes later, the dish broke in half when I tried to wash the cream off. I like to think it was symbolic of my broken craft dreams.
- Focus. Wait—what? Focus. Casserole dish two out of three was ruined when I spelled my own last name wrong using the stencils. I guess I could petition David to change our last name from Keller to Keler. Why not go through the court system to make our name reflect this casserole dish that I put an hour of my life and $200 in craft supplies into? Makes sense to me.
- Getting too excited. Casserole dish three out of three was broken due to sheer enthusiasm. I lined up the stencils just right. I left the etching cream on for just enough time. But you know what I didn’t do? I didn’t factor in my limited grip due to the burned-off pads of two of my fingers. During my celebration dance I dropped the dish on the kitchen floor.
The shattering casserole dish startled Aubrey, who instantly began crying. I picked her up.
“It’s okay, honey. That’s just the sound of Mommy being a hot mess.” It was time for her afternoon nap, anyway.
I changed her diaper and, after rocking her in the glider for almost half an hour, she finally settled down and fell asleep. As I lowered her into her crib, my arms burning from fatigue, I took in her beautiful little face. I fought a cascade of tears. She really was just so gorgeous.
Does every mom get lost in their child’s face like this? I wondered. I studied her eyelashes, the bow of her lips and her soft cheeks. She really did deserve the best of everything. I had to try to be the mom she needed.
I crept downstairs and cleaned up the broken glass, sweeping every corner of my destroyed kitchen. Afterward, I sat at the kitchen table with my computer and my third cup of coffee.
Scrolling through Pinterest, I stumbled across a photo of a little girl who couldn’t have been more than Aubrey’s age sitting in front of a window. She was wearing the most adorable little dress with ribbons on the shoulders. The sunshine poured through the window behind her, creating little flecks of light that caught in her curly hair, giving the impression of a crown. Underneath her, the text read: No-Sew Pillowcase Dress Tutorial: 30 Minutes and EASY!