Dillon doesn’t show. I dropped the letter in his mailbox, and I know there were people inside because music and laughter vibrated through the door. Someone would have found it and given it to him. I frantically pace the floor in the boarding area, glancing every few seconds at the clock on the wall, peering down the hallway, hoping to see his white-blond head racing toward me, but it never does. I wait to board until the very last second, only doing so when the flight attendant states the flight will leave without me if I don’t go now. Momentarily, I consider skipping the flight and returning to Dillon’s apartment, but I can’t. I laid my heart on the line tonight. It was his turn to prove he meant what he said Sunday night, and he’s failed me.
I manage to hold the tears at bay until the plane lifts in the air, leaving Ireland and my love behind, and I can’t contain my heartache any longer. Clutching Dillon’s pillow to my chest, I sob to my heart’s content, uncaring I’m making a scene. Thumbing through the photo album he bought me only makes it worse. Dillon helped me choose every pic, and every photo holds a precious memory. Burying my face in the album, I cry louder, and it truly feels like my heart is broken beyond repair this time.
Hysterical laughter breaks through my snotty tears as a thought lands in my mind. How ironic I spent the plane ride to Ireland sobbing over Reeve, and now I'm just as heartbroken leaving the Emerald Isle, crying endless tears over another man.
Only I could do this to myself.
Is it possible to be both healed and wounded? To feel whole and broken at the same time? Because that’s how I feel. Like the part of me that was broken and lost on the way over has been mended—Dillon’s love played a big part in helping me to reach that point—but now other parts of me are damaged, and I’m feeling more lost than ever.
The flight attendant moves me to a private cabin, keeping a close eye on me the entire time. She told me she has a daughter, around my age, and I can tell she’s worried about me. She looks at me—crying hysterically as I listen to Toxic Gods songs on my phone, clutching the pillow Dillon bought me, scribbling manically in my journal, and rubbing my fingers repeatedly over my Claddagh necklace—like I might need to be committed. Perhaps I do, because this time, it feels like there is no coming back from this loss.
I knock back the Valium Ash snuck me before I left, and eventually I fall asleep.
When we finally land at LAX, I’m all cried out and numb. The relief I should feel at being back on Californian soil is hidden behind a wall of grief and pain. I move as if on autopilot, shoving my oversized shades over my eyes to disguise the state I’m in, shuffling through customs and out into the terminal, moving toward the man holding a placard with my name.
I know my parents would greet me if they could, but even at this early hour, they’d be spotted by fans or the paparazzi who hang out at the airport, and I don’t need that shit the second I arrive. It’s strange Max, our full-time driver, isn’t the one picking me up though. This man doesn’t say much as he pushes my luggage cart outside to a sleek black Mercedes, setting it against the trunk, before opening the back passenger door for me.
I slip inside, gasping when I see who’s waiting for me.
“Hey, beautiful.” Reeve angles his body so he’s facing me. “You are a sight for sore eyes.”
I can only stare at him in shock. His hair is back to normal, the brown strands threaded with natural blond highlights, and his jawline is smooth, showcasing his tan skin and the beauty mark over his lip I love so much. He’s wearing a blinding-white designer T-shirt over khaki shorts and his old Vans. The golf watch I bought him for his seventeenth birthday is strapped to his wrist. Familiar blue eyes stare at me with love and hope, and it’s like looking at the Reeve of my past. The boy who was my everything before he became the man who took an axe to my heart. But none of that matters right now, because he’s here, and I’m glad to see him.
I fling my arms around his neck, blinking back tears when his arms automatically lock around my back. “I’m happy to see you.” It’s the truth. His warmth and the familiar scent of his cologne reminds me of so many happy times. I ease out of his arms, my eyes skimming over his handsome face. “You look good.”
“So do you.” His smile is wide, his eyes happy and relieved as they drift briefly to my lips.
Butterflies flutter gently in my chest. “What are you doing here? Where are Mom and Dad?” I was expecting my parents to be waiting in the car for me, and I don’t know what he has said or done to get them to agree to this.
“I’ve spoken with your parents a lot this summer, and we’re building bridges. I asked them if I could pick you up, explaining my reasons, and they agreed.” Reeve scoots closer, his knee brushing against mine through my jeans. “I missed you so fucking much.”
I missed him too, but I was also busy with my new boyfriend, so reiterating his sentiment doesn’t feel right. Especially when I spent a large early portion of my trip brokenhearted. I can’t forget what Reeve did or how his actions made me feel. Confusion swirls through my mind, clouding my brain. I hang my head, unable to do this now.
“Viv, look at me. I need to see your eyes, baby.” He tilts my chin up with one finger, and I don’t stop him when he removes my shades, revealing my red-rimmed bloodshot eyes and tearstained splotchy skin.
His Adam’s apple jumps in his throat. Fear and pain are etched upon his face as he stares at me. My chest heaves with powerful emotion as I look at him, hating he can see through me so easily but loving that he does too. Reeve knows me better than anyone, as I know him. You can’t spend virtually your whole life with someone and not know them inside and out.
The protective layer around my heart thaws a little as our connection crackles in the tiny gap between us. Loving Reeve has always been this all-consuming entity with no start and no end. All the same feelings are there, hidden behind a shit ton of complexity and confusion.
“Am I too late?” he whispers, tentatively reaching out and cupping one side of my face.
On instinct, I lean into the warmth of his soft palm, contemplating how to reply to that question.
“Viv?” His concerned gaze scrutinizes mine. “Have I lost you for good?”
I can’t answer that when I’m so lost within myself. “I don’t have the mental or emotional capacity for this conversation right now, Reeve.” Tears fill my eyes. “I feel lost all over again.” A tear leaks out of one eye, and he pulls me into his arms without hesitation. My head drops against his chest, and I let him comfort me even though I know I probably shouldn’t.
“It’s okay, baby.” He strokes my hair as his other arm bands tight around my body, keeping me flush to his chest. “I’m here now, and I’m going to make everything better.” He instructs the driver to leave, and the privacy screen goes up. “I know you’re not in the mood for talking, but can you just listen?” I nod against his chest. “I need you to know I still love you. I’ve never stopped loving you. I wanted to hop on a plane to Ireland at least once a week, but I promised I’d give you space to work through things, and I wanted to keep my word.”
A gnarly sort of sound escapes my mouth, and I jerk out of his hold. “This is all sounding far too familiar and not in a good way.”
“You are right, but things are different now. I’m me again, Viv.” Taking my hand, he threads our fingers together, and fiery tingles shoot up my arm. His touch still affects me, but I’m not surprised. It’s not like I ever fell out of love with him. It would’ve been so much easier if I had, but I know I will love Reeve Lancaster all my life.
Doesn’t mean we’ll be together though.