Eventually, he pulls out of me, and we lie side by side, skin to skin, fingers laced together. He’s wearing the saddest, most heartbreaking expression, and I feel something vital rupture inside me. Something inherent is imploding inside me in a way I’ve never felt.
“I love you,” he blurts, and I simultaneously want to jump for joy and die.
No, Dillon. No. Please don’t say it to my face. Don’t make me say it back. It will destroy me to tell you I love you and then leave.
“Don’t leave,” he adds when I say nothing because I can’t force my vocal cords to work. I’m in too much pain to speak. Tears cascade down my face. “Stay,” he whispers. I cry again, my chest heaving as pain ravages my body, forcing every muscle to shudder and shake uncontrollably. His lips brush my ear. “Say I’m the one.”
My heart cracks wide-open, and I want to scream yes! I want to tell him he is the one. That I long to stay with him. But I can’t. It isn’t possible. There are too many obstacles in the way. Lifting my tearstained face to his, I plead with him to understand. “I can’t. I’m sorry.”
I watch him shutting down. Bit by bit, the wall goes up, and he retreats behind it. Nodding tersely, he swings his legs out of bed. “Then I guess that’s it.”
I sit up, panicked and confused. “Please don’t go. I thought you were going to stay tonight?”
He cracks out a bitter laugh as he pulls his clothes on. “Why delay the inevitable? We might as well do this now.” Shoving his feet in his sneakers, he turns around with his pants on and his shirt unbuttoned. I cower at the aggression and rage painted across his face, pulling the covers up over me to shield my body, feeling suddenly vulnerable. “It’s not like you really care. If you did, you’d want to stay.”
“I do!” I stand, wrapping the sheet around myself. “I wish I could stay here with you. I swear I do. But it’s not possible, Dillon.”
“Anything is possible if you want it badly enough.”
“That’s not fair!”
“What’s not fair is you making me love you and then leaving to go back to that prick!” he roars in my face, spittle flying in the air, and I take an automatic step back, plastering my back to the wall.
“That’s not what I’m doing,” I protest.
“Bull-fucking-shit.” An ugly sneer slides across his mouth. It’s one I haven’t seen since the early days. “You’re pathetic. Crawling back to him after he’s probably spent months fucking his costar.”
“Reeve has nothing to do with this. He won’t even be in L.A.” I actually have no clue what his schedule is like, but I’m pretty sure that’s the truth. He’s in hot demand, and his schedule is usually jam-packed.
He jabs his finger in my face. “You can’t even admit it to yourself.”
“Dillon, my entire life is back in L.A. My classes are starting in ten days. I’ve signed up for an evening costume design course. I have taken out a lease with Audrey on an apartment near UCLA. My parents are there.”
“You could transfer to Trinity permanently, but you never even tried, did you?”
“The thought did cross my mind.”
He harrumphs. “Yet you did nothing about it.”
Anger simmers under my skin. “Hang on here a second. You never gave me any indication until right now that you wanted me to stay! Do you think I’m a mind reader?”
“Cop the fuck on, Hollywood. We both know what we’re feeling. Or maybe I was the only one who fell.” He purses his lips in disgust as he buttons his shirt.
“You know that’s not true, and what difference would it make anyway, Dillon? You’re not going to be in Dublin for much longer. The band will take off, and you’ll go with them. You’ll be gone for years, and there’ll be groupies and women coming out of the woodwork, and I’ll be pushed aside. We’d try to make it work, but it wouldn’t. I know. I’ve already been there.”
His fists clench at his side, and a muscle pops in his jaw. I have never seen him so angry, and I’m a little bit scared. “Know one thing, Vivien. I am not Reeve Lancaster!” he yells, and I wrap my arms around myself. “I would never cheat on you. Never.”
He walks toward the door, and I stand rooted to the spot in so much pain I can barely breathe.
How did a perfect night become such a nightmare?
His shoulders slump as he turns around in the doorway. All the fight has left his face. “I would have stayed for you, Vivien. I would have fought for you. No matter what happens, know it was real.” He shakes his head sadly. “Goodbye, Hollywood. I hope everything works out for you.”
59
My tear ducts are broken. Worse than they were when Reeve splintered my heart. I can’t stop crying. I haven’t been able to since Dillon walked out of my bedroom last night. Pain is an ever-present pressure on my chest and lump blocking my throat. Spindly fingers have a vise-grip on my heart, and they refuse to let go, squeezing and squeezing until I can barely breathe. Anxiety and heartache kept me awake most of last night. At least it might mean I can sleep on the plane. My flight leaves at four in the morning, but I have to be at the airport by one, so tonight is officially my last night on Irish soil.
Packing the last of my things in my suitcase, I glance at my cell, but Dillon still hasn’t returned any of my calls or messages. Although he was cruel last night and he said a lot of hurtful things, I know he lashed out because I hurt him first. I froze when he told me he loved me, and I was wrong not to say it back. I was wrong to keep that truth locked up inside me for so long instead of letting it out. Maybe if I had opened that conversation earlier, he would have asked me to stay, and we might have found a way of making it work. I’m not really sure how, but we never gave us a chance to find out.
It’s too late to do anything about that now, but I can rectify at least one thing.
Ash props her hip against the door. “Are you sure about this?” she asks, her eyes skimming over my empty room. She’s moving in with Jamie at the end of the week when the rental agreement officially ends here. They have found their own one-bedroom place, and it’s a big deal for them. I’m happy for my friend, and I hope Jay doesn’t fuck things up. She’s going to need him in the coming weeks because I know she will miss me as much as I’ll miss her.
“Yes. I can’t leave things how they were last night.”
“I’m worried.” She pushes off the door, entering my room. “He was so drunk and so angry last night. I’ve seen my brother press the self-destruct button before. It’s not pretty, and he’s liable to do or say anything.”
“I appreciate the heads-up, but I’ve still got to do this.”
“I don’t want to see you hurt.” She pulls me into a hug, and we cling to one another. “I am going to miss you so much. You better phone me every day.”
“I will, and I sent my US number to your cell as I won’t be using my Irish cell anymore.”
“Are you sure you can’t stay?” she asks, shucking out of our embrace.
“I don’t see how it’s possible.” I push air out of my mouth. “I mean, I could probably arrange a permanent transfer to Trinity and come back, but what good is me being here if Dillon is off traveling with the band?”
“You know he’s got concerns about going to the US, and that’s even if this meeting with the A&R guy pans out. It might turn into nothing.”
“I doubt that. The guys are way too fucking talented to be passed over forever. If it doesn’t happen now, it will happen at some point.”
“He’d drop out for you.”
My eyes widen. “He said that?”
She shakes her head. “He doesn’t have to say it for me to know it’s the truth. I know he would choose you over the band in a heartbeat.”
“I wouldn’t want him to do that. I wouldn’t want him to pass up such an amazing opportunity for me. It would come back to haunt us, and I couldn’t live with that kind of guilt.”
“You could go with them. Switch to online classes and travel the world with the band. That’s what I’m going to do if it takes off for them.”
“You have it all worked out.” I smile sadly.