I barely make it out the front door before I throw up, emptying the contents of my stomach all over the cobblestone path. Tears stream down my face as I retch.
“He’s not worth it,” Ash says, crouching down beside me a few minutes later. She rubs her hand up and down my back. “He was a total prick in there to you, and I told him that. I want to kick his arse all over town. I have never been more disappointed in my brother than I am right now.”
“It doesn’t matter.” I straighten up, wiping my mouth with the back of my sleeve. “I said what I came to say, and I’m ready to go home now.”
For the first time, I really feel those words. I want to return to L.A. and put as much distance between me and Dillon as possible. I want my mom. I need her to hold me in her arms and tell me everything will be all right.
“I’m proud of you, Viv. That took huge guts. You’re a true princess and my hero.” Ash hands me a bottle of water, and I rinse my mouth out. “We can say goodbye here,” I tell her. “I know you want to see the band.”
She thumps me gently on the arm. “Don’t be stupid. I’m coming with you. We’ll say goodbye at the apartment, like we planned.” Ash wanted to come to the airport, but I asked her not to. Saying goodbye to Audrey at LAX only added to my pain back in January, and I’m keen to avoid that this time. Plus, my flight is at an ungodly hour. No sense in Ash hanging around Dublin Airport until four a.m.
We grab a taxi, and I let my friend comfort me on the silent ride back to our apartment. When we get home, Ash gives me some space to call Audrey while she sets about making us something to eat. She’s worried now I puked up my dinner. I don’t have the heart to tell her I doubt I could eat and they’ll be plying me with food and drink in first class. I know she needs to do this, so I let her.
Audrey picks up on the fourth ring. “You’re not coming back, are you? You’re staying with him,” she blurts before I’ve gotten a word out.
I crank out a harsh laugh in between sobs. “You’ve got that all wrong. I can’t get home quick enough.”
“Oh no, Viv. What’s happened?”
I tell her everything, sobbing and choking over the words as tears roll down my face, ruining my makeup.
“Fuck, Viv. I’m so sorry. You sound as bad as you did when Reeve and you broke up.”
“I can’t do this again,” I cry. “I can’t take this heartache again.”
Silence descends on her end, and the only sound is the permanent tearing of my heart as I cry my eyes out to my bestie.
“You really love him,” she says when I compose myself.
“I do,” I whisper hoarsely.
“More than Reeve?”
I don’t answer for a few minutes. I won’t deny I’ve had similar thoughts these past couple of weeks as I’ve contemplated returning home and what that means. “I love them both in different ways. Both of them speak to my soul.”
“I feel guilty. I had written Dillon off, believing it wasn’t really that serious, but I was wrong. I see that it is. I still think you need to hear Reeve out, and the selfish part of me wants you two to fix things so it can be like old times with the four of us all together.”
“It can never be like old times. That ship has sailed.” We’re in different places now. Logistically and metaphorically speaking. And we are different people.
“If you love Dillon, Vivien. If you really love him and he’s the one, then fight for him.”
“He doesn’t want me to.”
“Bullshit. He told you his truths last night. He’s hurt and lashing out. You should still give him shit for that Aoife stunt, but fight for your man if he’s the one you want.”
“I did that before, and look where it got me.”
“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Dillon isn’t Reeve. If he meant what he said last night, he’s prepared to put you first in a way Reeve didn’t when he got his big opportunity.” There’s a pregnant pause while we both stop to process her words. “If he’s not the one, if Reeve is, get on that plane and don’t look back. But if Dillon is the one, you can’t leave without making that clear to him. Otherwise, it will haunt you for the rest of your life.”
After we hang up, I write a long letter to Dillon, telling him everything I should have said weeks ago. I’m going to drop the letter off at his place on the way to the airport. Pubs close early in Ireland on Monday, so I know the guys will be back at their place by midnight, giving Dillon enough time to come and get me. I’ve told him the ball is in his court now. I’m not chasing him. I told him I loved him in front of everyone, so he knows where my head is at. If he wants me to stay, he needs to come to the airport and stop me from getting on that plane.
I don’t tell Ash my plans, because I know she won’t be able to help interfering. If Dillon wants me, I need to know he’s acting of his own free will and not because his sister is putting pressure on him.
I manage to swallow a few mouthfuls of the gorgeous chicken pasta Ash made before pushing it aside. “I have something for you, and I need a favor,” I say, sipping my water.
“What is it?” Ash looks as glum as I feel, and I hope my gift will cheer her up.
I drop the keys to the rental in her palm. “The car is yours. I bought it and put it in your name.”
“Get the fuck out!” Her mouth opens and closes like a fish out of water. “Why would you do that?”
“Because you’re my bestie. I love you, and I’m going to miss you. Plus, I know how much you hate the smelly bus. This way, you’ll be able to pop back home and see your folks whenever you want.”
She bursts out crying, flinging herself at me. “You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, Viv, and it’s not because you bought me a car, you crazy bitch.” Sniffling, she eases back, swiping her tears away. “You have helped me more than you realize. I see your strength and your humility and your amazing heart, and it inspires me to be a better person.”
“You are a good person, Ash. One of the best I know.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever had a true friend before you. I don’t have this bond with Cat. I can tell you anything, and I know you’ll never judge. I will miss you more than words.”
“This isn’t goodbye, Ash. Only goodbye for now.” Reeve’s face appears in my mind’s eye, and I hear him telling me that back in January. A pang of longing sweeps over me, and what I wouldn’t give for one of Reeve’s hugs now.
“I am seriously in shock.” Ash tosses the keys in her palm. “I can’t believe you bought me a car.”
“You’re welcome. I feel happier knowing you’re not risking life and limb taking the bus,” I joke, trying to bolster my mood. “I need one last favor.”
“Anything. You know that.”
Walking to my room, I retrieve the special edition Fender from my closet.
She gasps when I arrive back in the kitchen with it. “I got this for Dillon. I had hoped our last night would go differently, and I had planned on giving it to him myself. Will you see he gets it?”
“He doesn’t fucking deserve it,” she snaps, still mad at her brother.
Taking it out of the case, I run my fingers over his name etched into the wood.
“Jesus, Viv. It’s beautiful. He’s going to feel like such an ass when I give this to him.” She folds her arms across her chest. “If it didn’t have his name on it, I’d probably have given this to Jamie.”
I burst out laughing. “At least you’re honest.”
“Then I’d take it back off him when he did something to piss me off and give it to my brother when he redeemed himself.” She traces her fingers over the guitar strap where Toxic Gods is embedded in the leather.
“Look after him for me,” I say in case he doesn’t come through as I hope.
“I will if you promise to look after yourself.”
“Always.” If there’s one thing I’ve learned on this journey of self-discovery, it’s that I can’t care for anyone if I don’t care for myself first.
“This isn’t goodbye, Viv.” Ash hugs me close. “It is only goodbye for now. I feel that deep in my bones as if it’s been ordained by God himself.”
I don’t know if she’s right. I guess time will tell.
61